AIBU to think my son should forgive my youth.

[AmberBear22]

Firstly I am not here to say I’m the world best mum, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but feel that I’ve lost everything.

I have 4 children aged 15, 7, 4 and 2. I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him, me and his dad stayed together till he was 1 but couldn’t work out. Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up, working full time and always out of the house whilst I was a SAHM.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

Doesn't paint a great picture but I’ve changed. I’m now 31 and an adult.

I still vape and occasionally smoke weed but not like when he was young.

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years. He recently posted a video on TikTok which I was shown from his 15th birthday. It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

Lots to unpack here but simply why are you expecting your 15 year old son to show maturity that it took you 31 years to attain (although questionable whether you have or not)? You expect him, a literal child, to show empathy and maturity, the same qualities that by your own admission you didn’t have for years throughout his formative childhood because you were too busy smoking weed, dating unsuitable and abusive men and birthing more children into total chaos? Christ.

If this post is not a joke you really need to do some introspection because you sound like a whining ME ME ME narcissist ("why is he not talking to me when I've messed his life so badly?). Your son sounds like he's in a healthy place without you and good for him.In the meanwhile get some therapy and work on yourself, maybe one day when he's old he might reach to you.

It doesn’t matter what age you were - he is a child that spent all of his formative years being abused and that’s going to have a life long impact on him and his trust in others. You were also well into adulthood when you had your second child and decided to stop abusing him.

Insisting he comes home and gets over it and referring to him as pathetic is exactly what not to do to repair the relationship. You need to take accountability and reflect on the damage you have done to him and make a sincere apology without any expectation of him to forgive you.

And also my grandma had three kids by the time she was 19 and never did this either. It’s not an excuse I think you’re just trolling anyway though

Telling him you were young etc is making excuses.

What he needs is a complete acknowledgement that whatever the whys and wherefores, he was brutally abused and you allowed it to happen. He was a helpless child.

And that you are genuinely, unconditionally sorry, and that you are sorry whether or not he chooses to re-unite with you.

Look at it this way: You say he needs to forgive you for treating him so badly...but you have not forgiven him for going to his Dad's and saying how much he appreciates their love.

Have you considered therapy? To help you, to help you understand, understand how you came to have relationships with violent abusive men, reconcile yourself to your past and present and possibly enable you to open up a more successful communication with your son?

I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

She stepped in because you are pathetic. You should thank her.

Just out of interest, did you smoke any weed before you started this thread?

This cannot be real. Why should he forgive you?

Got to be a reverse.

If this is true you abused him you also brought a string of men into his life 3 of which abused him. Most young single mums don’t behave like that. Thank goodness his dad and step mum stepped up and he didn’t end up in care. I’m surprised you’ve managed to keep your other 3 children in your care. You don’t seem to be very capable of parenting children at all.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured.

Let's see ...

I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him,
Yes, you were a child, and yes you clearly couldn't cope.

Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up. I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank.
Well no, not everyone does these things. Particularly those who have a child to look after. So, you're 17, so still a child, but no sign of maturing yet.

Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him
So you were 21, no longer a child.

and my next 2 BFs did the same.
So you were how old here? 22? 23? 24? Not really a child or even close enough to being one to use that as an excuse.

I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.
So this is up to age 24. Not a child.

I’m now 31 and an adult. I still vape and occasionally smoke weed.
Most people are adults before 31 ... Most people don't vape and smoke weed especially when they have children to look after

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years.
So 5 years ago. When you were 26 - and very definitely not a child, things were so bad that he moved out.

You said I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured.

For most of that you were not a child and I'm not sure you have matured.

Yep they've overegged this click bait thread.

In a nutshell.

I did think this has to be fake or a reverse, but then there are some people out there like this that have zero self awareness.

Respectfully OP, When you have a child, their needs should come first because they depend on you for safety, stability, and love. From reading your post it feels like you’ve fallen short in this situation and may still be doing so. Your child is now an adolescent going through a lot of changes, and it sounds like he has found a sense of safety and care with his father and step mother. It might be best to give them space, and perhaps in time they may choose to reconnect. On another note, how are things going with your other children and your parenting overall?

I don’t think you should get him back, if he is happy living where he is living and safe then that’s great.

You should really take full responsibility and send him a proper apology without expecting anything back. But you could invite him to a one on one thing (eg take him out to buy some trainers and have macdonalds) or to something at home eg pizza night with you and little siblings.

when you see him don’t expect or ask anything of him, he owes you nothing.

@AmberBear22 If you have really changed your life around and are a better parent to your other 3 children then credit where it is due. Continue to improve yourself, stop smoking weed completely and vaping, they are both disgusting and set a bad example, but focus on your 3 children and be the best parent you can to them.

Unfortunately you have probably destroyed your relationship with your eldest. In time you maybe able to build contact again but he has been badly hurt by you and your decisions. This is entirely your fault and you are not going to be able to move on or build any kind of relationship until your completely own this without excuses. He sounds like he is happy, thriving and living a good life. Be happy for him, but leave him alone to make contact with you when he is ready, but dont be suprised if this is not for a very long time.

Does your son see his siblings at all?

Leave him alone would be the best thing you can do. Being young is not an excuse for this and you havent grown up or you wouldn't be calling your son names. He has a better life without you and if you love him leave him be. Keep the door open if he ever comes looking for you take full responsibility for your behaviour and apologise. Tell him his step mum and dad have done a good job raising him and you are grateful to them because you failed.

Ps it’s interesting you expect your son to understand you were an child /young adult when he was little and forgive you for all the terrible things you did the because you were a child

yet your son is now even younger that you were when he was born, and you’re not understanding that he is a child who needs grace and care and can’t be expected to be ‘mature’ or ‘the bigger person’

interesting that what you’re expecting from him, you’re not willing to show to him, even though you are An adult now.

I think you still have much growing up to do.

You may have been "not ready" to have a baby, but you made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Yes, lots of us experimented with drugs and partied a lot in our teens but most of us didn't have a young child. You had responsibilities and chose not to fulfil them.

You were 20 when you allowed him to be abused and then continued to pick abusive men, whilst also abusing him yourself. You are very lucky that all your children haven't been removed by social services after such disastrous parenting.

He doesn't have to forgive anything and you don't deserve him back.

Must be a troll. Although scumbags like this OP do exist, sadly.

From the bottom of my heart: you're a piece of shit.

Lots of us had children young. Lots of us are no Saints and made mistakes, that's human nature.

I had my daughter older than you, but still young. Divorced her father shortly after. Was I a perfect mother? No, I wasn't, I'm sure. I also vape, and like a few drinks from time to time, on the weekends.

What I didn't do, was to bring a string of abusive losers one after the other like a bitch in heat. I never ever hit my child or otherwise physically punished her. I tried my best, I provided her with everything (and obv still do), I worked, bought a house, didn't do drugs. I love my daughter and always did, we get along, we talk and spend time together.

You're disgusting. And if it's a troll, then 'parents' like this are disgusting.

I’d never forgive you for any of that. He’s done the right thing and you should leave him alone

Good for him. Best decision he could have made.

I'm going to report this post because I feel, like many others of recent days, that is is rage bait. But it's not even remotely amusing to use the abuse of children for a bit of attention seeking.