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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU to think my son should forgive my youth.

275 replies

AmberBear22 · 28/04/2026 07:27

Firstly I am not here to say I’m the world best mum, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but feel that I’ve lost everything.

I have 4 children aged 15, 7, 4 and 2. I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him, me and his dad stayed together till he was 1 but couldn’t work out. Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up, working full time and always out of the house whilst I was a SAHM.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

Doesn't paint a great picture but I’ve changed. I’m now 31 and an adult.

I still vape and occasionally smoke weed but not like when he was young.

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years. He recently posted a video on TikTok which I was shown from his 15th birthday. It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

OP posts:
Johnsmithallenjones · 28/04/2026 10:58

There is only ONE pathetic person in this scenario and it isn’t your 15 year old @AmberBear22

OneNewEagle · 28/04/2026 10:59

YeahHellYeah · 28/04/2026 10:40

You’re now 31 and an adult?? You’ve been an adult for the last 13 years.

This is so sad.

the OP has also been a mum for 15 years which in my head makes you an adult at whatever age as that baby needs you.

Absolutely awful post. I truly hope your son has a happier rest of his life away from you OP you are an abuser. I’m also not clear how your other children are safe living with you.

Tryagain26 · 28/04/2026 10:59

I'm sorry but he doesn't need to do anything and he is certainly not obliged to forgive you. He was physically abused as a young child by you and by the men in your life and you his mother didn't protect him. It's not surprising he feels as he does.
. I understand that you wer very young when it happened and that you have changed but those things happened to him and will have shaped him. Yiu can't expect him to just forget them.
If you want him back you have to earn his trust you as the adult have to prove to him that you are truly sorry about what happened and that you love him. Don't expect him to forgive you, Blaming him for not being able to is not the best start.

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/04/2026 11:00

You were 20 when you allowed multiple men to physically abuse him and physically abused him yourself. You were not a child.

You've got exactly what you deserve. He isn't pathetic at all, you are.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 28/04/2026 11:00

Andepeda · 28/04/2026 10:56

There's a plague of these ridiculous posts at the moment, and whoever's writing them hasn't got the brains to make them remotely believable.

I dunno. There's some very gullible people around.

Holesinmesocks · 28/04/2026 11:01

If I was your son having lived through physical abuse at the hands of your bfs not once which was bad enough but three times. I would cut you out of my life completely never to want to see or speak to you ever again.
Why the hell should he forgive you? YOU made the choice of scum bags at the time and knew it was happening, but appear to have just stood by.

redskyAtNigh · 28/04/2026 11:01

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

  1. Stop thinking is he is being pathetic
  2. Apologise sincerely for the way you have treated him so far during his life
  3. Make some attempt to understand him

If you've made no attempt to do (2) and (3) already, then you are probably already too late to "get my son back".

Lairymary · 28/04/2026 11:01

"He's being pathetic" ? Wow, you've put him through years of physical and emotional abuse. No wonder he escaped.

flatwhiteinabucket · 28/04/2026 11:02

You cannot control the consequences of your own bad behaviour.

Where were your own parents in all this?

tryandbepositive · 28/04/2026 11:03

You’re a monster. Truly. I hope he has happiness now and stays away from you. Get therapy and accountability.

ThatCyanCat · 28/04/2026 11:03

I feel I have to respect your honesty but I'm not sure you realise just how bad it is. He's the same age you were when you had him and you seem to realise how very young you were...and have you really matured, if after abusing him and subjecting him to abuse from your horrible boyfriends, you think he's "pathetic" for protecting himself from you? And sending him messages like that as if you've got any right over him, ordering him to forgive you? Do you understand how forgiveness works? How remorse works?

You owe him big time and he doesn't owe you anything at all. Start from that premise and maybe he'll forgive you in time, but that's really entirely up to him and nobody could blame him if he wants to leave it behind him and focus on the good family structure he's got.

loonyloo · 28/04/2026 11:03

"I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.
I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?"

Have you 1) actually apologised to your son for what you put him through, explicitly acknowledged that you completely failed him, and then asked him for forgiveness? Or 2) just said he needs to forgive and forget?

It sounds like you've just done 2) which is utterly ridiculous. Even if you have done 1), he's under no obligation to forgive you but at least it makes clear to him that you accept responsibility for his childhood and are leaving the door open to have some sort of relationship if he later feels open to it. But your OP sounds more self-pitying than an acknowledgement that your son has exceptionally good reason for going no-contact with you.

People make mistakes, and people can regret those mistakes and sincerely want to make amends. But actions have consequences and some mistakes are more damaging than others. Some are irreparable. You might think this is harsh and people on the internet hiding behind their keyboards shouting at you, but any attempts to rebuild your relationship with your son must be on his terms, and you'll have to accept he might never want to try.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/04/2026 11:04

User1839423790 · 28/04/2026 07:31

It doesn’t sound like you have grown up to be honest. Please leave the poor boy alone and get some counselling for yourself.

I agree with this OP. You have made terrible decision after terrible decision and that cannot just be forgiven after all you put him through.

Also don't blame your actions on being 'young'. Own them.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/04/2026 11:06

You’ve not changed enough, you’re literally sending him messages slagging him off and being jealous of a woman providing him with enough love and a home that he Tik Toks about it.

GROW THE FUCK UP MORE

Quamarina · 28/04/2026 11:06

I’m sure on some level you love your son.

but you have to recognise that he’s been away from you for almost as long as he was with you. You badly let him down. Young or not, to allow one adult to abuse your child is heinous, but three adults is an unforgivable pattern.

the fact you didn’t see or react to this video until someone showed you does demonstrate how far removed you are from his life. I can imagine it’s embarrassing, but imagine how it is for your son, having not seen you for over 2 years, not getting ‘happy birthday’ but ‘grow up and get over it’. Why haven’t you seen him for 2 years? Do you know how he is, how he gets on at school? Do you pay maintenance? Do you pay for therapy? If the answers are no then you need to have the good grace to accept that you don’t deserve a place in his life at this time, and not until you really work on yourself and understand why he doesn’t want to live with you. Not ‘xyz happened but not my fault’ because you WERE responsible for him. I can’t imagine what you went through yourself as a child to be so dismissive of his experiences, but if your primal instinct wasn’t to protect him from all harm, then please be grateful that he’s safe and loved with his dad & stepmum.

VioletandMauve · 28/04/2026 11:06

“What can I do to get my son back?”

Nothing. You reap what you sow.

Farkinhell · 28/04/2026 11:08

What can you do?
I think that ship has sailed. You've given him a pretty rough childhood and right now he doesn't want to have you in his life and that's his decision... show you love him by respecting it.

Likeabirdjoyfully · 28/04/2026 11:09

Your only chance is to sincerely apologise for the terrible childhood you gave him and the trauma it has left him with. Tell him that though you let him down you still love him and would love to hear from him sometimes especially if you can help in any way. Then leave him be.

Wallawo · 28/04/2026 11:09

I got pregnant with my first at 15 too and I never did any of that

loonyloo · 28/04/2026 11:10

loonyloo · 28/04/2026 11:03

"I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.
I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?"

Have you 1) actually apologised to your son for what you put him through, explicitly acknowledged that you completely failed him, and then asked him for forgiveness? Or 2) just said he needs to forgive and forget?

It sounds like you've just done 2) which is utterly ridiculous. Even if you have done 1), he's under no obligation to forgive you but at least it makes clear to him that you accept responsibility for his childhood and are leaving the door open to have some sort of relationship if he later feels open to it. But your OP sounds more self-pitying than an acknowledgement that your son has exceptionally good reason for going no-contact with you.

People make mistakes, and people can regret those mistakes and sincerely want to make amends. But actions have consequences and some mistakes are more damaging than others. Some are irreparable. You might think this is harsh and people on the internet hiding behind their keyboards shouting at you, but any attempts to rebuild your relationship with your son must be on his terms, and you'll have to accept he might never want to try.

Re-reading your OP I feel like my reply was too nice, tbh. I hate a mumsnet pile-on but fucking hell. I hope your post isn't real, it shows a stunning lack of responsibility and self-awareness. Your poor son

ThatCyanCat · 28/04/2026 11:10

I’m sure on some level you love your son.

Do you think? It all sounds like possessiveness to me. "I feel like she's trying to replace me", "I'm his mum not her", "He needs to forgive me and come home". I don't get any sense of remorse or actual love. It's just narcissism, all about her and the position she feels entitled to hold with him, no sense of the damage she's done or any sense of care. Did she even care about him coming home before she started to feel usurped by his stepmother? She doesn't say anything about his being away for five years and not seeing him for the last half of that; she's just angry that he's declared love for his stepmother as his mum.

Can this even be real? Is it a reverse? Surely nobody is this cloth-eared?

Twooclockrock · 28/04/2026 11:11

That poor boy, it's absolutely heartbreaking what he went through.
Leave him be. Maybe a letter apologising might be something you can do for him. Whats the best thing for him now, I doubt its to rebuild a relationship with you when he is carrying so much hurt.

AuntChippy · 28/04/2026 11:11

Is this even real?

Your poor son, if it is. He should have nothing more to do with you.

wishingonastar101 · 28/04/2026 11:12

why are you not in prison for child abuse?

Anywherebuthere · 28/04/2026 11:12

Your post quite clearly shows you havn't matured much at all.

The poor kid was abused until the age of 7 or 8 at least by 4 different people including yourself. You allowed that to happen.

He is obviously in a better place now. But you still want undermine everything he suffered and you call him pathetic. He is lucky to have found a mum figure in his step-mum.

Leave the poor child alone where he is happy, loved and cared for.

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