17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

1. Very large group - around 20 of them, according to daughter. This is best compromise date apparently.

“Best compromise date” because no doubt the other dates clashed with other people’s family holiday plans and those parents have put their foot down and said no to cancelling the family holiday!

My Dd is also planning a couple of post-exams trips, but she has to work around our holiday plans. Her friends have been told the same. It is a logistical nightmare for them but it is what it is and I don’t feel bad for them considering they are planning a summer filled with holidays and festivals.

This is really hard. I’d be torn too about saying she had committed to the family trip, but also know the importance of the friend trip. Will all her friends be going on this trip or are any others not around? Some kids may have similar issues with parents having already booked a holiday.
I think at the end of the day I’d probably try to get her to honour your holiday / she may be pissed off at first, but it sounds amazing and she’ll prob enjoy herself once she’s there. def wouldn’t be stumping up cash for the friend trip for sure!

@JaneBirkenstocks

they might go no contact with you though if you don’t give them what they want when they want…can’t risk that

🤣 but they won’t be reading the very regular, very easy. do it without looking back, advice on here to go ‘NC’!
😉

I can sort of see both sides. I’d be equally as gutted if I were you, but I remember being dragged on a holiday i’d said I didn’t want to go on at the same age (and for similar reasons - there were things I wanted to do more) and I made my parents life a misery with my negativity the whole week. Not proud - it was awful, selfish teenage behavior which I very much regretted as an adult. Other than reiterating how much it means to you to have a last holiday together whilst she’s still at home I wouldn’t force her. You are in the right but you might be better off swallowing the losses and having a wonderful time with your younger child.

Its not. She should have said with her mates that she is already on holiday that week so it needs to be another week

Why do you think the dates changed in the first place? Because the other kids said 'no my mum says we're away then/Im working then'

I am wondering about you changing dates, you are going to lose money by cancelling her flights and accommodation anyway - would it be a similar amount to make changes.

I wouldn't think about making any changes until the teenagers' trip is booked and paid for. If op cancels dd's flights then dd's trip doesn't go ahead, dd is stuffed. I'm all in favour of actions having consequences, but I think that's a bit too harsh.

20 teenagers all trying to agree on date, destination, cost etc, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it didn't happen. They'll all have to book independently, because I doubt whether any of them, or more likely any parent, will want to take the financial risk of booking for a group that size.

Why book your family trip before other commitments are settled if those commitments are a priority for those other people? The DD doesn’t sound flakey, she’s prioritised the friends holiday but that isn’t a change, the friends holiday was always her priority.

DD hadn’t given the dates. She’d told her mum when she thought it would be. But the dates weren’t set. She’s 17 and will have had little experience of big groups trying to plan a holiday. But I would have thought her mum would have a bit more sense than to rely on a vague time frame for something like that. Booking an expensive holiday that can’t be changed before those dates were set was always a risk.

I’ve plenty of sense thanks. I booked when I did to take advantage of certain rates/prices, on dates when I have the children and can take leave. The family trip started to be planned/agreed together before I even knew there was another trip!

And when I did find out about the leavers’ trip (just before locking in the dates) DD was adamant at the time that our dates would be fine and she would adapt her trip to suit. It’s only after the fact that the other trip morphed into something else, with more people in the mix, and new dates.

I work full time, share childcare, and don’t have unlimited leave during which to block off a variety of theoretical holiday dates just in case somebody changes their mind. I also have to plan leave in advance and negotiate any changes with their father. So I really didn’t have a huge set of date options open to me.

Big thanks to everyone for all the perspectives though. It’s been useful - I’ve read all the comments and appreciate the input. Probably don’t have much more to add to the thread now, other than thank you!

Enough of calling her selfish. You’re being selfish, not her. You have booked this trip before her other trip was confirmed, this was always a possibility. She’d rather go on the other trip. It’s a shame, but not once have you thought about the position your daughter is in, having to choose between two amazing trips, what a tough decision! Yet you’re only thinking about yourself in this situation and not her. You knew both trips were important for her. You could have waited to arrange your dates around the other trip but you didn’t cause saving money was more important. You’re thinking of only your own disappointment and yet you call HER selfish?
She’d rather be with her friends, deal with it. She’s not stopping you going is she?

Have you even read the thread? Or OP's post about how she's told the DD she can go on the leavers trip, and done so with a good humour that I doubt that I could have managed?

Yes I’ve read the thread. This woman has called her own daughter “extremely selfish” because she’s had to make a tough decision between who to go on holiday with and unfortunately for OP she lost this one to the friends. It’s not selfish to make a decision she was forced to make. Either way someone was going to be disappointed, mum or friends. It’s a shit situation for all, granted, but that’s life.

What was the daughter meant to do, either way someone misses out.

Its ok for OP to be disappointed she chose the friends holiday instead of the mum holiday (what 17yo wouldn’t?).

Whats not ok is to guilt trip her for making an impossible decision and call her selfish on a public forum for doing so.

The daughter had to choose one or the other, it was always going to be shit for the one who she doesn’t pick.

Sorry, OP. I shouldn't have made the comment so personal.

The way you wrote about it initially and, I suppose, my own experience of summer at the end of school, made me think this was a trip that had been on your DD's radar for years. So I had made the assumption it was known about and the priority well before you planned and booked this trip.

That is wasn't and that dd agreed to make it work changes things for me.

If you are expats then this trip with friends will be a defining moment before the students scatter across the globe, with many not returning. It’s important she goes with her friends.

Exactly this. Unfortunately OP, this trip you’ve booked is the most important thing to you, but your daughter has priorities that come before the family right now. It’s a total shame and gutting for you, but that’s teenagers unfortunately.

I’m wondering how much say in the friend trip dates the daughter had. Sounds like she was put in an impossible position and had to choose one or the other.

Shit situation all round and I feel for both OP and her daughter here.

I dont think the OP has called her selfish has she? Unless I missed it

Your tirade seems completely off kilter for a thread where OP isnt asking if she is being unreasonable and has been very sympathetic to her daughter. More than I would be thats for sure.

I was just thinking the same. Unnecessarily harsh to the OP.

I wouldn't guilt trip , I'd present it very calmly- your part of the trip cost £x,
I understand friends are important but I can't let the cost of this go- you find someone to take your place and pay your share, or you pay your share , and your trip with friends will obviously not be funded.
I don't think peer pressure is a reasonable excuse, she needs to learn that you can only push people so far- and she should not let herself be put in a position where she is costing so much heartbreak, and money-there have to be consequences.

Is it possible you could change the date?
I would feel upset, but I understand why she would want to go with friends x

If your eldest daughter doesn't go with you I wouldn't take a friend of your other daughter. It would completely change the dynamic - you might not feel that you are able to tell her off (if necessary) in the same way that you can your own daughter, and it's all extra expense on food, travel and hotels that you haven't already paid for. Let it be just you and your youngest.

Give your daughter the best gift in the world - your full support to spread her wings, make great memories and live her life without guilt. It will be tough but letting her go without feeling bad is the right thing here, even if it means hiding your disappointment....

Is it like the Australian "Schoolies Week" @Gastropod ? If so, that is a real rite of passage.

Yes but they are flakey at that age. We had a fairly similar situation when one of ours was that age, we were lucky we could rearrange some dates but honestly really avoid June/July of that end of school year.
I can add that all my kids are now in good jobs where they have lots of responsibility and do more than what’s expected of them. It’s not a generational thing in my view, they’re still kids who want to have a last blast before they all go their separate ways.