17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

No wonder we have a generation of flakes adults. People telling you to effectively hide your disappointment so you don't guilt her. It's not OK to commit to something really expensive, and then change your mind after a load of money had been spent on it, then suggest that someone else go in your place! If this wasnt a fri3md doing that to another friend, there would be uproar. The OP goes from having a last (for a while) family holiday with her 2 daughters, to chaperoning her daughter and friend, so that her daughter can spend a week in magaluf with the same people, music and drinks that she has at home.

I'm not saying make her go but of course you can tell her how absolutely gutted you are, how you'll lose out financially and how badly her decision has affected the holiday for you. What if you can't get someone else to go? What if you don't want to be responsible for another 15 year old who isn't family? Shielding her from the consequences of her own actions, in case she feels guilty, is madness

I was in the same position when I was at school. I reluctantly went with my parents. I wasn't keen but did make the most of it. Now I'm glad I didn't do the week in Europe with a load of people that I never kept in touch with (outside a few good friends whoever not going didn't make any difference to our friendship)

Does she understand how much it has cost?!

of course you can tell her how absolutely gutted you are, how you'll lose out financially and how badly her decision has affected the holiday for you. What if you can't get someone else to go? What if you don't want to be responsible for another 15 year old who isn't family? Shielding her from the consequences of her own actions, in case she feels guilty, is madness

That. You don't have to put a brave face on this @Gastropod She needs to face up to the fact that she dictated your dates, planned everything with you, let you spend thousands on the trip, and is now dropping out and ruining your holiday and her sister's.

You can't force her to go, but nor do you have to pretend it's okay.

Absolutely! I can’t believe how many wet wipe parents are saying it’s not her fault, let her go with mates and don’t be hard on her… no wonder kids are so entitled nowadays. A (very expensive and considered privileged) commitment is a commitment… end of!

At 17 I would have gone on the holiday knowing my mum had already paid.
Sounds like she needs to stand up to her mates and ask to change the dates of this new holiday. Who does she think is going to pay for her holiday she doesn’t fancy going on anymore?

This is unbelievable. I hope to god my child never thinks this is acceptable!

I agree

Not on the scale of this, but when I was about 16 my parents wouldn't let me go to an "after school musical" party (arranged by a girl's family in their home, and the father was a vicar, so unlikely to have been wild) because it was the same night as their silver wedding party they were having at home. I was really, really devastated about it, because at that age friends are everything and fear of missing out is very real!

Cut her some slack, but as others on here have said, make sure she pays for the friends trip herself.

As noted by others, she did give me dates and we booked around them. And then they changed!

Absolutely! I can’t believe how many wet wipe parents are saying it’s not her fault, let her go with mates and don’t be hard on her… no wonder kids are so entitled nowadays. A (very expensive and considered privileged) commitment is a commitment… end of!

Wet wipe parents 🤣

Agree with every word. OP - woman up!

Problem is you lose either way. If you go all 90s parent and make her go on the family trip you risk her pining, moping and getting fomo about her mates trip. We made the big mistake of going away over Halloween one year. Never again.

I would rather lose the money than force someone who was reluctant to come away with me.

90s parent? Give over!

Part of me wants the lesson to be learned the hard way, maybe - she lets us down if that's her choice, but she pays for the other trip, and if it doesn't go ahead and she misses out altogether, then it's on her head. But then we'd all feel rubbish if that happened.

Is your d really thinking that she can get you to pay for this trip with her friends? That is shocking to me.

Or would she get her dad to pay?

Did your parents never teach you that when you make a commitment, you stick with that commitment?

Yes my parents would have shouted at me tough luck. I don’t know I can see the appeal of doing that but I don’t think it will have a good outcome. Risks spoiling the trip for everyone. You can’t force someone to want to do something. It’s supposed to be fun!

Your situation was different, not sure why you’re comparing apples to oranges.

It was planned and booked together with her, after consulting travel websites and guide books together, as her school graduation trip, to a destination that she helped to choose, knowing that it would be our last "mum & girls" trip for quite some time. I expect her to be working summer jobs in the future. It was - when we booked it - meant to be a bit of a dream holiday for her, and in part, a reward for working extremely hard at school this year. I never said it was my dream - actually for various reasons it's not my ideal destination. It really was meant to be a special treat.

Obviously I'm not martyring myself by going, and it'll still be wonderful I'm sure. I'm lucky that we could afford it. But I'm pretty sad and wistful to think that we'll be going on this long-awaited trip that she helped to plan... without her.

@Gastropod Nothing but sympathy from me! Both of mine are doing A levels and GCSEs this year so like you, I foolishly thought a month in a villa with Bali with a swimming pool would be a dream after some tough exams. We have family living in nearby countries so they could visit. I mooted the idea and got pooed pooed about it being boring! 🙈

So, like you, I have had to plan a trip around a friends’ trip (luckily to Margate and not Magaluf!). And our Bali trip is now a 9-day trip to Athens and Greek Islands. But the 18YO is also planning a trip to SE Asia with his best friend. So, I literally just planned our trip in the small window I was given. 😂 but totally like you but I would lose a nut (if I had one to lose) if my 18YO pulled that shit on me. I feel your pain.

I felt like I was losing my mind reading the responses! Neither me nor my siblings would have ever thought we could miss a booked family holiday because of a friends holiday that hasn’t even been booked yet.

integrity is an important value that is lacking nowadays

You’ve arranged a trip of a lifetime that is practically all sorted and paid for. So why are you pussy footing around her? Tell her she’s being bloody unreasonable!
How is she proposing to fund the school trip?

Does she realise she will probably never see most of these so-called friends after the summer ever again? As someone upthread said, if they've arranged the holiday to a date she couldn't make, it doesn't sound as if they care about her much tbh.

I think you need to make it be honest about she is making you feel. And that she made a commitment to you, she needs to honour it. In this instance abandoning you and her sister because a better offer has come along is not something she can do without serious consequences to your relationship.

It was planned and booked together with her, after consulting travel websites and guide books together, as her school graduation trip, to a destination that she helped to choose, knowing that it would be our last "mum & girls" trip for quite some time. I expect her to be working summer jobs in the future. It was - when we booked it - meant to be a bit of a dream holiday for her, and in part, a reward for working extremely hard at school this year. I never said it was my dream - actually for various reasons it's not my ideal destination. It really was meant to be a special treat.

Seriously, don't even think about paying for her trip with her friends @Gastropod . That would be insanity, and rewarding her for thoughtless and hurtful behaviour that's already going to have cost you a fortune. She's going to continue to treat people badly if she still gets what she wants, and at no cost or disadvantage to her.

Anyway it's been helpful to read your messages. All in all, I think yes, she's being extremely selfish but I also know that this is par for the course, as a teenager. I would have prioritised my friends over everything else at that age - and probably did!

I have explained quite clearly to her that if she's old enough to make this decision independently, then she needs to understand the financial consequences of it. I have said that I understand her reasons for wanting to go with her friends. I also reminded her that I will have to cut back on expenses next year in order to pay for her university course, so I could have used this money to contribute to that.

She has told me she wants to pay me back for the costs incurred - including the flights. I said she'll probably have graduated from uni before she saves up that much, but I expect her to take me on a luxury holiday some day in the future as payback😁

I've also said that she'll have to finance the other trip herself. She has some birthday money/savings that she says she'll use.

And younger DD and I have agreed we'll go together, and enjoy it just the two of us, in our own way.

I fear your dd will never truly understand how selfish and unneceptable her behavior is unless she has to pay you back herself.

This! Are people really saying op shouldn’t have booked her family holiday till the 17yo had booked her hols? Or now dd has possible dates, op should reschedule their hols?!

Same 😂

tough luck.