17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

@Gastropod and under no circumstances leave her alone in your home or even have access to it when you're away.
My daughter had a key cut, had a party and my home was destroyed. We had only gone to Scotland for a wedding.

I'd be more worried about something happening when you are both on holiday

Yes she said she had been “extremely selfish” which is what angered me.

She hasn’t been at all, she’s been put in a position where she’s had to make a choice and whichever one she chose someone would get hurt. What was she meant to do? It’d be shit for someone either way.

I do feel for OP, it’s awful when you try to treat them and they don’t want it, and she’s well in the right to be disappointed. But taking it out on the daughter by acting like she’s been selfish isn’t fair. I’m sure she’d rather go on both trips too but unfortunately she’s been made to choose and friends always come before mum at this age.

OP, you are right to be sad, it’s a shame, but your daughter hasn’t been selfish, she’s made a tough choice and I’m sure she feels bad enough as it is. Sucks for you that she didn’t choose you, but it wasn’t a selfish choice, she’d hurt someone and miss out on something either way.

A school-leavers trip is a rite of passage. Don't guilt her into not going as hard as it is for you.

Could you cancel and rebook something with just your daughter

Id let her know, quietly and sadly, that you and her sister are very disappointed but are going without her, as planned and booked. There is no reason why you should incur extra expense by changing to suit her or her friends. Enjoy your other daughters company . Find things you will both love doing. Post lots of lovely pictures on social media. Ignore, nicely, any pleas for financial support on her other holiday. Knowing teenage girls and holidays I suspect that she will find she has made a massive mistake. But thats how you learn. It will be a valuable life lesson. When both holidays are over have a conversation about the ethics and responsibility of letting people down for a “better offer”. It never reflects well on the person. as she will find out.

I think sh ehas been selfish

Your writing is very emotive, like as if someone has died

She's got a choice of 2 holidays, one of which has already been booked around dates and plans she made, very expensive. She needs to committ to that

She is incredibly privileged rather than having been put in some sort of awful position.

That would break my heart am sorry 😢but teenagers are like that they prefer friends to family could they not go on the friends trip before or after the family trip ? So she can still join you I mean , taking a fiend of your other daughter is a huge responsibility I wouldn’t do it I would ask an adult .

@Gastropod i assume it’s schoolies- it’s such a big deal to Aussie teens and a right of passage. I can understand your disappointment but if she doesn’t want to miss schoolies I wouldn’t make her.

I did use the word selfish, but I think you are quoting me out of context. My exact words were: "All in all, I think yes, she's being extremely selfish but I also know that this is par for the course, as a teenager. I would have prioritised my friends over everything else at that age - and probably did!"

I think perhaps you've misunderstood my intention in writing that.

I certainly have not said it to her face, and don't intend to. Do I think it? Yes, I think that it probably is selfish behaviour. But I also said above that I think it's understandable at her age, and that I was probably just as selfish at her age. Teenagers are often selfish and it's normal. But it's also up to us parents to gently - or firmly, or both - point it out to them when their behaviour negatively impacts others - which I did, using different words than the ones you chose to quote.

Anyway, as stated already, I have taken a lot away from this thread - it's given me plenty of food for thought. I don't think there's much more I can add now, and the main decisions are taken for the time being. DD and I are on good terms, and we'll sort out any more hiccups with this situation if they arise.

Post script: OMG, now that really has given me something to think about 😱

Yes OP, it's quite clear you should cancel your trip altogether and stay at home "just in case" ........ 🙄

Unpopular opinion maybe but I wouldn't personally hide behind my feelings of disappointment on this. Things like this happen in the real world when she leaves home. She made a commitment which is paid for and now she wants to cancel to do something else. In the outside world there are consequences to flakiness and the world would not evolve around her feelings.

Whilst I would not force my kids to do something they wouldn't want to do and I don't want to make a scene out of it, I will make up abundantly clear on consequences of her choices, how you saved up for this trip and how this impacts the family. Also from experience, she most likely won't stay friends with her high school group (especially if she's moving and living in another area) and all this trip is a peer pressured outting. Choice is hers but have all the facts and consideration on the table.

Her trip with her mates is some kind of rite of passage it seems so I think it should take prescidence over a family holiday you could have another time. If it seems to mean so much to her.

She's very lucky you're agreeing to pay for her to do both. So you'll save money if she doesn't go on one of them at least.

It's a big ask for a friend's family to pay so there's no guarantee they'd come. But surely you and dd15 can enjoy it together?

Force is a bit of a strong word! I wouldn't force my kids to come but if I had paid for the whole holiday I would be absolutely furious and upset if my 17 year old bugged out on it to share it with his mates instead. A lesson in responsibility here. Frankly I think it is incredibly selfish and entitled!! I'd like to think I know what he would do but I'll ask him ;)

I have just put the scenario to my 17 year old. He said without hesitation he would come with us. He can't imagine anyone doing different. I asked him why he made that choice and he said it would be what he wants to do, not out of obligation or anything else. If his friends won't budge on their dates then that would be their loss. He would be sad that he'd missed out but would enjoy the family holiday, especially as we'd planned it all together.....he also said the conversation would never have got as far as me. He would simply have turned down the friends trip. True friends will stick together and make other plans anyway. There will be other opportunities to go away with his friends whereas this trip of a lifetime with 2 of his most precious people is not going to happen again!

Just let it play out, it may not even happen…

Force is a bit of a strong word! I wouldn't force my kids to come but if I had paid for the whole holiday I would be absolutely furious and upset if my 17 year old bugged out on it to share it with his mates instead. A lesson in responsibility here. Frankly I think it is incredibly selfish and entitled!! I'd like to think I know what he would do but I'll ask him ;)
I have just put the scenario to my 17 year old. He said without hesitation he would come with us. He can't imagine anyone doing different. I asked him why he made that choice and he said it would be what he wants to do, not out of obligation or anything else. If his friends won't budge on their dates then that would be their loss. He would be sad that he'd missed out but would enjoy the family holiday, especially as we'd planned it all together.....he also said the conversation would never have got as far as me. He would simply have turned down the friends trip. True friends will stick together and make other plans anyway. There will be other opportunities to go away with his friends whereas this trip of a lifetime with 2 of his most precious people is not going to happen again!

I think I'd tell her she has to join your family trip. Can she go away camping or something with school friends another time?

Given how prices are rocketing for Europe holiday destinations, I’d think they may struggle to get something booked for their dates at this point. I looked at flights for a week in June - they’re more than double what they were at the same time out last year. A lot of holidays are being cancelled and moved to locations within or close to Europe so availability is already limited.
You may find in a few weeks time she comes back saying their trip isn’t happening.

Absolute bobbins. The OP booked the holiday with her daughter’s support and involvement. She said that they were choosing accommodation and activities together. It is a big financial commitment. The DD’s friends have moved the goalposts to suit themselves. Obviously DD’s plans aren’t considered important enough.

I think it’s a bad message to give, that you can just dump plans - especially when others have put in a lot of money and effort - just because a different offer comes along.

Why doesn’t she care about her mum and sister’s feelings? Only her own?

You mentioned the word impartial. Im sorry OP Having read your post I find it impossible to be impartial.This behaviour on behalf of your 17 year old DD is utterly disgraceful. I hope she comes to her senses & realises you cannot treat your mother like this having agreed to go on this wonderfully planned & paid for trip I'm sure involved sacrifices. I'ts even more hurtful considering she was involved in the itinerary decisions. I would have no hesitation in letting her know how you really feel about it and with no sugar coating. Tradition or not there will always be members of the group who simply cant make the date. I'm sure there will also be other gatherings of friends to be had in future holidays.

I apologise if this sounds harsh. It really is one of those posts where I feel its difficult to hide my true feelings about a situation,hence my honest opinion.

I would.

I am sympathetic to the op but found myself agreeing with some of the harsher posters. You knew there would be a trip this summer and that there being a large group the dates would be a challenge and liable to shift but you took the risk and booked the big trip anyway to keep your costs down. Which isnt unreasonable but is a risk and sadly the risk hasn’t paid off.

We are keeping our holidays low key when ours this age and planning them so if they don’t come that’s fine. Post a level is not the summer for a big family trip. It’s too late by a year or so.

So, if we are representative of parents of 15 year olds, there's a 50:50 chance then that the friend will say no.

@canitgetbetter Excellent analogy 👏