17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

How is she paying for the friends’ trip?

I'd do as she suggests to be honest, let her go on the trip with her friends and take a friend of your other daughters with you on your trip.

I wouldn't be paying for your elder daughters trip though, she can fund that herself.

My DD is the same age as yours, and we've not booked a family holiday yet this year for precisely this reason. She's just got far too much going on, and doesn't know when and where she'll be going places with her friends yet. We'll book something at short notice closer to the date.

I'd be so upset about that. Isn't there any give in her friends' holiday?

It’s a tough one. I’d be honest with her that you’re incredibly disappointed and that part of being a responsible, kind adult is keeping your word and not letting people down, even if that means saying no to a second invitation you really want to accept when you’ve already committed to somebody and something else.

I think it has to be her choice to make, though. It’s not going to be much of a trip for you and DD2 if she’s moping about because she thinks she’s missing out on her first big exciting holiday with her friends and feels that she’s with you under duress because you insisted she had to be there. I wouldn’t be contributing anything to her holiday if that’s what she chooses, though, that’s for her to work out how she funds it.

I'd tell her she's coming on the family holiday because it's paid for. And that, would be that.

How was the date of the friends trip organised, didn't she have any input?

I agree with others, I wouldn't try and force her but I wouldn't be funding the other trip and I'd let her know how sad I was about how it had turned out.

If she wants to go on the friends holiday fine, but you shouldn’t pay for it. Do you have any scope to change your trip? You’re very organised to have booked it already.

I would just tell her tough, she agreed to the trip and you have paid for it.
DD did similar last Summer but as I had carefully checked the dates with her several times and it was her balls up she didn't really complain

Can you change the dates of the trip? If not then just go with your other DD and she can pay for her other trip.

Thanks all - that does help me clarify things in my head. I don't want her to go on the family trip under duress, but if she wants to go on the other holiday, she's funding herself. She tells me there's no leeway on the other trip dates. I think it was a majority vote among the friend group and it feels like there may have been some peer pressure on her - she was saying that all her friends think it's perfectly fine for her to skip the family trip and that DD2 and I can just go with somebody else.

I had booked it all quite far in advance so as to spread the cost - I got a good deal on flights and then booked accommodation in phases - some of which I paid "non-refundable" rates for. I have excellent travel insurance in case we have to cancel but it doesn't cover teenage flakiness, unfortunately!

It's just sad really, we've been planning it together for ages, picked out all the hotels and places we wanted to visit... sigh.

Yes, I pretty much did say something along those lines. I'm somebody who always keeps their word so it's really important to me.

To be a bit mean - they always do these trips fairly soon after school ends. I would have saved the family trip until August before results.

She’s 17, almost an adult. It’s ok for you to show you’re hurt. That’s a factor in the decision she’s got to take. Flip side is that if you force her to come with you, there could well be long term resentment.

It’s a rubbish situation, but the school trip is more time critical. The date clash means your family trip can’t now be the wonderful one you’d hoped for. One of you is going to be disappointed.

Was she paying for that/you had budgeted for it on top of the family trip? given you’d expected her to be doing both, I assume that money is available.

Sadly I think you’re going to have to see if there is any way to rearrange, what you can and take the hit on the balance of costs, or just go without her.

Sorry, cross posted. I’ve just read your update on how the date was chosen. Can she push back a little and say “it’s not ok for me to miss this holiday, the trip needs to be on the different date” and just see what the reaction is? Sounds like it perhaps being picked to suit someone else at her expense which is unfair if there’s an established precedent.

That’s really unfair of her, especially since you’ve paid for much of it already. I don’t know what the answer is, but I’d be upset too.

I think it is also unfair on her younger sister who was probably looking forward to spending time with her sister before she leaves home too. I think she needs to understand that once you commit to something, especially one that involves huge amounts of money, you should stick with that.

What I have seen happen sometimes is these school friend trips get talked about and then don't materialise, or there is a falling out either just before they go or whilst on their holiday. She might not end up on any trip.

I think you need to sit her down and explain that taking a friend is not the same for you, you all wanted this holiday, you all planned it. This might be the last holiday you all do together depending on what she does during her summers if she is going to uni. The last holiday I had with my parents was pre-uni.

What is the trip with her friends? If she’s missing a huge holiday with her Mum and sister just for a week in Ibiza I’d be giving her head a wobble.
At her age, I’d also be letting her know how gutted you are, that she’s let you down. That’s not manipulating her into going, it’s honesty that she now needs to expect at her age when she lets someone down (especially financially so).
I’m gutted for you OP, this would deeply hurt me if my child did this but I also wouldn’t force them to go x

It might not be that easy to find another 15 year old friend to take - I would not let a 15 year old travel to SE Asia with one adult and without me!

I would let her know how selfish she is - she needs to know her actions are not ok. I would also see if there is any way you can change to August. Hotels, if contacted directly, will more than likely be ok. Flights can be changed - you will obviously have to pay extra for time of year etc.

It doesn't sound as though any of the friends' trip is booked or arranged yet, so I would ask her to be a bit more forward with them in insisting that she can't do those dates and that they all need to arrange another. It shouldn't be that hard really. Whether she will do that probably depends on how confident she is in asserting her feelings to her friends, as some teenagers are quite dominating.

Also, why would OP want to take another teenager on what was a much looked forward to family trip? In addition to being responsible for this girl, it would mean that her DD and friend would be focused on each other, and OP would be the third wheel.

Oh gosh, difficult one. I can completely understand your position OP, but I can also remember being 17 (as I am sure you can too, which is why you are so torn). As you say, having her with you under duress is not the trip you wanted.

I'm assuming your family trip is multiple weeks? Is there any chance she can divide her time across the two trips? Obviously this might mean additional costs in terms of flights, but it may be an outcome worth paying for...

She needs to push back. It’s not as simple as taking a random friend with. Thats a completely different dynamic It’s also not good to drop people like that. They are in the planning stage and to be honest so many friends drift apart when going to uni.

it sounds like this is a once in lifetime holiday with her mum and sister. Anything she will be paying for at that age I imagine is a cheap stint booze up. Not that being with friends isn’t important too but this sounds different to a parent booking a weekend away on Airbnb.

No. She’d made arrangements to come with you on holiday. She can’t let people down because she’s got a better offer. So I’d be telling her she’s coming with you.

I am sure the other trip could be rearranged. It's not a convenient date if she's not available because she's at the other side of the world....