17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

Wonder why those dates are the only ones that work for the other teens. Perhaps because they intend to go on their family holiday as well as the one with friends.
That would annoy me because I'd wonder why our family holiday is the one that has to be 'sacrificed'.
I probably wouldn't have arranged the family holiday until the friend one was confirmed, booked and paid for though. Simply because I wouldn't want my dc missing out on either.

Honestly I would insist she honours the holiday with you.
I guarantee that she will find the trip with a huge group from school isn't the fun she thought it would be and she will live to regret missing that fabulous trip with you.

DD2 wanted to go to Boardmasters with her friendship group after GCSE's. Given that we sometimes refer to her as Miss 5* I had an inkling that her plan to camp from Wednesday to Sunday was ambitious. But I didn't want to be like my mother, casting gloom and pessimism on all plans, so I coughed up and waved her off with 3 friends to meet up with others from her year group when there. And so it came to pass - camping surrounded by lots of youngsters drinking heavily and taking drugs and noise all night long wasn't fun at all. Friday morning found my DH driving through the holiday traffic to retrieve the four of them and bring them gratefully home. In fact I'm not sure she would have lasted to Friday if I hadn't paid an extra £30 for a pass to posh loos, which her friends greatly envied. Anyway that's the last I heard about festivals for several years.

This year DD1 arranged a trip to the Philippines with a group of about 14 friends, and DD2 joined them. They had a great time but both complained about one couple in the group. A close friend of DD1, and past flat mate from uni days, but on holiday with her boyfriend she morphed into a complaining whinger. Nothing was right for the two of them, and staying in hostels and low budget hotels definitely wasn't their scene, the food wasn't to their taste, the beaches weren't right. That's friends for you, DD1 won't be holidaying with her again.

In a large group of teens suddenly let loose, there will inevitably be some who drink too much, someone might end up needing a trip to hospital, there will be disagreements about where they go, what they do, where they stay, where they eat. It won't be long before your DD is wishing she was having a peaceful time staying in lovely hotels and enjoying a great trip with you and her sister.

Oh and disaster stories? The son of a colleague went to Amsterdam with a small group of friends and ate "brownies", one of the group had a psychotic episode from the drugs and tried to stab himself, the colleagues' son tried to disarm him for his safety and ended up getting stabbed himself. The police thought he was the aggressor so he ended up having a night in prison once the hospital had released him. He has PTSD, and the mental health of the other lad has been permanently damaged.

I could go on, as I have a couple of other similar stories, but that'll do.

Put your foot down and insist she is coming on holiday with you.

Another insightful post. This nonsense that it's the right of passage for 17 year olds to go off in what usually ends up in a rampage fuled by alcohol is a blinkered view of reality. They neither have the money nor the experience to avoid ending up in all manner of situations that could end up in tears. Regardless of how well intended it appears there will always be members of the group who will lead others astray.I can't understand parents who fund this type of holiday simply because their children have left school. I agree with supporting young people when they begin to spread their wings just not in the way the OP describes which is basically a gang of young teenagers letting loose. At this stage the family holiday is not only more appropriate, its safer & would probably be more enjoyable in the end.

She was to stay at her grandmother's. I didn't want her on any sleepovers when we were away. Her father (mr nice) decided to override that rule. I had said I wasn't letting her have her key, she got another one cut.
Totally got out of hand. There were so many at the party the neighbours were put off cmg to the door. The police wouldn't come out because there was a big England match on.
Cost thousands to put right.
Obviously, your dd may not do anything like this but peer pressure is massive at that age.

I hope it all goes well.

Get her sister to talk to her as well. She needs to know that this is non-negotiable. I wouldn't trust any 17 year old girl on a group trip in the first place. After she leaves school these 'friends' will become 'old aquantances' Put up with the sulks. If that is her response then you have got a spoiled brat on your hands. Hopefully such an exotic and amazing location will change her mind. How is she going to pay for her trip, and have pocket money? Remind her that University is expensive and she'll need her savings for that. Tell her to arrange meet-ups with the mates later in the holidays especially as they will be long enough for 'escapades'. Whatever you do DON'T PAY FOR THE GIRL FEST!

What they may notice is that costs of flights have rocketed since the Iran war has started. I looked at the long haul flight we are booked on out of interest. We paid £800 now £2000.

Tell her she can chose between coming on the family trip.which is already paid for....or going on the school friends trip, but you can't afford to pay for that...if she wants to go, she will have to self fund.

Actions have consequences. She's got to start acting like the adult she very nearly is.

Don't revisit the upset, go and have a wonderful time with your 15yr old and make some amazing memories with her.

Could she try and get her friends to change their trip? Sounds like they intended on taking this trip on a day that didn't clash, maybe they could change their plans?

I disagree with the criticism of the youthful trips and “making” her go with you.

You as an adult may think these trips sound hideous but they are important to them. She will be sitting quietly playing cards with mum while her friends party. Sorry but come on thats your average 17 year olds worst nightmare whatever fancy location you and mum are in. My post a level girls trip is a real memory.

Both mine went to Boardmasters and had post A level holidays and have had an absolute blast. No way would I have done anything to hinder that.

Sorry but I think op is partly to blame here setting up this “trip of a lifetime” for the worst summer possible. Should have done it last year or maybe in a year or two when she’s at uni and the friendships are less intense and she will be more mature. Not the post a level summer. Lurkers with younger teens read and learn.

If my teen DD had agreed to come on a big holiday that I had subsequently paid for and then changed her mind I’d livid! You’re being very calm and reasonable about it, I’d be furious!!

But op knew the teens wanted to have a trip that summer and that it was important to her Dd to go. Her Dd flagged this. We as adults know they are still developing their organisational skills and managing a big group trip is hard even for adults so that date is likely to shift around.

Sorry I do sympathise with op but think on reflection paying big money upfront for a “once in a lifetime” trip in the post a level summer is unwise. Dd1s priority that summer was 1. Girls trip 2. Festival 3 family holiday. We booked after she had booked her trips.

And if you make her go the core takeaway for her whatever the rights and wrongs is “mum made me miss my post a level friends trip”.

I know it's not ideal but could you find out exactly what your options are in regards to changing the dates of your trip? Even 'non refundable' hotel rates often let you change the date if you're not cancelling altogether, or charge an admin charge - they may be more accommodating than you think and it's definitely worth an ask. Flights are usually changeable with an admin charge too. I'd be working all of that out if it was me, the difference in price might not be as bad as you think.

17 is still classed as a minor. Clubs & Bars are 18 plus so drinking in those establishments which without a doubt would be the intention, would be breaking the law. There are also hotels where 18 is the minimum age for checking in without adult supervision but hey ho they should be allowed to celebrate leaving school regardless of their age & potentially breaking the law.

I would be telling her I was really disappointed. She had input into deciding when you booked the Asia holiday for.

I do get that wanting to go away with your friends is 'life' at that age. But I also think she is going to go on a boozy holiday, where there is sun burn, drama, break ups, crying.

I did one after school we went to Turkey. Only for I literally dragged the girls on 2 day trips the rest of the holiday was getting drunk and waking up passed mid day.

Asia will be amazing.

Sometimes a teenager can be grateful to have the excuse of ‘mum isn’t letting me go with you!’. Holiday plans with friends at this age rarely live up to the hype and expectations!

Gutted for you, that is such a shame and such a waste of money. But I wouldn’t force her to go and the friends trip probably feels like a rite of passage. I’d enjoy the time with your youngest and spoil her as time with just one of your children can be a really special adventure. Personally I wouldn’t be offering the place out to a friend of your daughter and I’d focus on the time with her.

Honestly OP I wouldn’t let her go even without the issue of clashing holiday dates. I think you are possibly quite naive about the behaviour of these large groups of teenagers let loose on the rampage. When I let my DD2 go to Boardmasters I had misgivings but knew ultimately we were only 2-3 hours away if needed and I fact had friends who lived much nearer with a teen also going so there were easy options in the event of problems. I also trusted my DD to avoid excess alcohol and drugs - it’s not her scene, hence her and her friends wanting to come home after a couple of rowdy nights.
You on the other hand will be the other side of the world and your ex not necessarily readily available.
All these posters saying it’s a “rite of passage” are almost certainly the type of person the police deplored in this article.

Plus I guarantee there will be other problems like getting pickpocketed and loosing all their money/passports/phones. DD2 had her phone stolen in London last year, she’s 25 and a bit more experienced. Still on a trip to Berlin with her best friend the friend had her phone pickpocketed within about five minutes of arrival. Same friend (who is a very sensible girl normally) left her bag on a train in Australia and lost her phone, passport, laptop, the lot.
Your own holiday is likely to be ruined worrying about her, let alone if you get that phone call.

Anyway as pp have said, prices are likely going to be much higher for travel now and I’d lay a fiver they will change their plans between now and then.

Just say No for all these reasons and put an end to it. You may find other parents do the same yet.

about:blank source:%20The%20Telegraph
https://share.google/p97IKTxkAA3fCfedG

Last part of article.

I totally agree here. She was involved in booking the trip. She simply cannot now turn around and say she's not going. OP has invested a lot of money in it. As some are saying she is nearly an adult. She should act like one. She simply cannot dip out now. Ridiculous.

Yeah! Tell her she better get a job and start paying you back. Selfish behaviour has consequences.

Agree with this and similar posts. I may have missed it but was wondering if she would still be 17 at the time of the teen holiday?Aside from the issue in the OP , I wouldn't be happy with my child going on one of these while under-aged.
The lack of maturity she's showing regarding the family trip is also a clear sign that she doesn't seem mature enough to go on this type of holiday alone.

If she is still 17 on the trip both she along with others the same age will be breaking the law if they drink alcohol in bars. All it would take is for one of the group to become drunk & disorderly & they would all be questioned & lifted by the police, especially abroad. AH, but I forgot they are young teenagers & its simply a rite of passage 🙄

It angered you?
Fancy feeling so strongly about a post like this from a stranger. The OP should be "angry" if anyone. To feel those emotions in this context is dramatic and plain batshit.

Maybe get a hobby so you get less wound up about insignificant to your life things like this.
Wow.

And by the way she is being selfish and the OP is being a lot nicer about it than the kid deserves. So be angry all you want the kid is facing no real consequences for picking which she'd prefer over plans she had made and I definitely wouldn't be happy if my kids did that as it's not how they were raised to flake out on plans made and let others down because you have a better offer.

I'm trying to catch up here, but I am still gobsmacked from what I've read. From what I can tell, you arranged this trip with your daughter involved, and she is now dipping out.

This is shocking behaviour on her part. She should damn well go with you. The thought that she could feel it acceptable to now say that she doesn't want to go, for whatever reason, is totally unacceptable.

I find it astonishing that she feels it acceptable to let you down.