17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

op I have a 17 year old and 13 year old dds and was just imagining how I’d handle this scenario.

firstly I would be very disappointed and upset and that’s ok. I commiserate on the fact that teens can be so flakey and the emotional immaturity can translate as selfishness.

what other posters are saying is also true; sometimes what we as mums see as a trip of a lifetime or a wonderful opportunity , they really don’t see it like that. It’s also likely that she maybe went along with your travel plans because she could see how excited you were to go, but then friend group travel plans trumped that when they became more concrete. Either way, they know what they want at that age and it’s not worth trying to sway them. I was recently very disappointed because dd 17 turned down the chance to go on a school residential to Cambridge university, after specifically being picked for it. I tried my best to convince her but she’d made up her mind and that was that. I have remind myself (sometimes almost daily!) that she is a completely seperate human being to me and is allowed to think and feel in whichever way she wants.

to counter that however, I would definitely not hide how I feel about this and would make it clear I was disappointed and upset by her seeming lack of consideration for family time. Otherwise it does set a precedence as other posters have said.

finally I would not take dd2s friend / my own friend. I’d leave the space open in case dd1s don’t happen and if they do then I’d go and have the best 1-1 time with dd2. It might be the case that when she gets to 17 she doesn’t want to go on a family trip either , and this way at least you’ve had that amazing trip away with her already.

This.

We always honour the commitment we make first.

This is a very expensive trip and you will have made sacrifices for it. Why are your feelings unimportant?

Harsh, but I’d be very upset that I’d raised a DD that didn’t care about others like this.

We did a similar sounding trip around SE Asia last summer. I booked 11.5 months out as soon as flights opened and some accommodation was already unavailable even that long in advance. Our agent had to change our dates slightly to get it to work.

She should've told her friends that she couldn't do those dates. I'm sure some of the others did the same, which is why the dates moved.

Really? Not book your family trip until flaky 17 had bought tickets for her 6th form party trip? Even though she’d given the dates already? just in case she wanted to change them?
Muck everyone else about, own colleagues, ex-dhs?

Two things I’m not not clear on

1. why no push back on the “friends” ref the date?
2. how was the school trip going to be paid for before the clash? There always were going to be two trips.

1. Very large group - around 20 of them, according to daughter. This is best compromise date apparently.
2. I was waiting for her to tell me where and what it would cost before deciding whether I could contribute. She has some savings but not enough.

To be frank, I was naive and did not expect this to be such a long trip, or with so many others. Initial discussions with her a few months ago had suggested a few days with a couple of mates. I don't know any other families from her school that have teens older, that have already done this kind of trip, so I was completely in the dark. As I said, I'm not in the UK, and I was not even aware that this kind of trip was a "thing" at her school until recently. You live and learn.

She is very independently-minded and tends to make her own decisions, which I had always thought was a good thing until now, ha.

Have they actually booked anything? Trying to organise 20 adults to do anything together is a nightmare let alone a bunch of adolescents. Who is making the decisions and doing all the booking? Are lots of holiday places that will take this kind of group.

Hmmm - let's see - which would you prefer?

An all expenses luxury trip to South Africa, staying at lovely hotels and visiting all kinds of interesting places, safe in the companionship of your mother and sister OR

A week in Ibiza, staying in some grotty hostel or worse, with a load of people who probably will get drunk every night, smoking god knows what, and food consisting of (probably) 'full English breakfast', burgers and pizza.

I know which i would choose.

But that’s not how teenage minds think.

The holiday with her school mates is a celebration that they are moving into adulthood and this is the last opportunity for them all to be together en masse. It signifies the transition and for DS it was hugely important even in his grotty 3 star hotel ( and this is a boy who likes and is accustomed to holiday luxury). It’s not about the place, it’s about the people and the timing. It wasn’t a thing when I was young - or if it was I wasn’t invited- but it’s a nice rite of passage.

Yes it doesn’t reduce the issue, but it’s wrong to underestimate its significance.

I would keep the door WIDE open for her to still join you. I will gladly be proved wrong but 20 kids trying to organise themselves and pay for it…

I know what 17 year old me would have probably chosen 😬.

I did a group trip when I was 17, we went to Barcelona and it was pretty much a hostel, lots of drinking, smoking weed and a few day trips thrown in. I think if my parents had told me I couldn’t go due to a family holiday I wouldn’t have been happy. The fear of all your friends having fun without you? The fear of missing out?

I can see this from both sides and from a parents perspective I think she should stick to the family holiday due to the costs and planning already gone into it, but I can see why she feels she has to go away with her friends (the reasons stated above).

Maybe wait a bit and see if this trio with her friends actually goes ahead? It maybe that they change the date or change the length of the trip?

I’m sorry but I would expect her to refund me the cost of her ticket and accommodation and she would have to fund her school trip herself. That’s what happens when you are an adult and make a commitment and then change your mind. No discussion. You are not a money pit. Choices have consequences.

Children owe their parents nothing. Pay for her holiday with her mates and make sure to give her plenty of spending money

Children owe their parents nothing

Utter tosh!

Even when this ‘child’ was very keen on the holiday, helped plan it and has now changed her mind to prioritise her friends? Tell me why the OP should now pay for her DD changing her mind and going on a different holiday after everything has been booked?

Because they “never asked to be boooornn!!!” And op should get out of the daughter’s life for being so demanding and controlling but first Pay for her holiday with her mates and make sure to give her plenty of spending money… I think there’s a book in that!
🤣

This is how you end up raising entitled children. It's not about owing your parents anything, it's about learning that if you made a commitment you don't just bail because something better came up.

It's not going to help your current situation, but I did similar at the age of 17, I didn't go on our 'last family holiday' (private villa with pool in the south of France) to go away in the UK with my boyfriend and his aunt and uncle. I very much regretted it afterwards 😂 but it's just what teenagers do.

If Asia is not your choice have you investigated if you can change your flights and hotels to another location? You might need to pay a fee but I'd rather do that and go somewhere I'd prefer

Sorry but she fucked up. Time for her to learn a big lesson about being sure about plans before expecting other people to spend a fortune and then lose it.

Also why has the friends timing changed? Why is her timing / availability not important to the decision?

I was about to say the same. The odds on this trip happening, when they want it to happen, are not good. Keep DD's place open for your family trip

Pistachio have you ever met a teen?

Sorry but your average teen would rather be in a shithole with their mates than in luxury with mum and dad. Harsh fact!

Also why so scathing about Ibiza it’s gorgeous

RTFT. It’s a bit harsh to say she fucked up.

I would be so upset at her letting you down, especially as she helped to plan it.
We were brought up, from being tiny to always have go with the first accepted invitation, such bad manners not to, that we wouldn’t have even suggested a change.
Your DD does need to push back on dates and explain the importance of the holiday she is already booked on. Will this actually happen anyway?

I wouldn’t want to compromise either, but can see that you are trying to make this work.
I am wondering about you changing dates, you are going to lose money by cancelling her flights and accommodation anyway - would it be a similar amount to make changes.

Cancelling is a cost for nothing, at least making changes, is a cost where you all get the holiday planned.