17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

Will you cancel anything or hold on and see if this friends trip actually happens?? I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she comes grovelling in a few weeks when they end up going nowhere.
The more I’ve thought about this the more furious I am on your behalf!

I can absolutely guarantee that she will not be the only one in her friend group who can’t go on their holiday. Also that if they got a better offer to go on a ‘trip of a lifetime’, at least half would dump the friend group without thinking twice!

I have always been a forward planner, booking summer flights the morning Easyjet released them, but I knew that the summer he finished school the post school holiday with mates trip absolutely took priority so waited until after that was sorted before booking the family holiday.

Its a clash of expectations. DS loved his school and his mates are all still important to him. He would have been gutted not to go and yes I think his week in a ghastly 3 star in Zante sharing a room with no aircon with three of his pals is genuinely still a life highlight, and he has been on some great holidays.

In this case yes it’s rubbish pulling out, but the DD didn’t pick the dates for the post school trip.

I can’t understand some of the reactions I’m reading here.
She was consulted about the dates, she was consulted about the location, the flights and accomodation have been booked and paid for. She is old enough to understand that that means she goes on this holiday! Sorry op, she sounds like a flaky and very entitled princess. I have a 20 year old who’s been going on trips with friends since she was 17, and a 17 year old who will be going on his first trip with friends this year. They would never turn around and say they’re not coming after I’ve already booked something. They know holidays cost money and that I check dates with them for a reason.
You need to talk to her and explain that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

I'm a great believer in actions and consequences

I'd explain to DD that if you lose £££ on this trip, it's unlikely you'll be willing to pay for future holidays fur her (not just this post-school trip), as you wouldn't be willing to risk the aame happening again

This all day. I've never heard so much pandering entitled nonsense. South East Asia is an expensive flight and a milestone experience for her. I would offering to pay for a friend's holiday.

I would look more closely at changing the dates of your planned trip - as PP said, you might find hotels are flexible and the cost to change flights might be alright - just explore that option!

Trips with friends literally involve getting utterly pissed, someone getting felt up by some arsehole in a club, crying, two of your group having an argument, and someone doing some stupid pill pretending they believe it’s ‘herbal’. It is not special and many people do not look back on them particularly fondly.

Regardless, the girl made a commitment -Why does someone else get to say they’re unavailable yet she has to cow tow to them and screw over her family to fit into their plans? op perhaps you being such a pushover (because my gosh the idea of not only letting her not come but actually forking out for her other trip is insane) has taught her that one should not kick up a fuss to a more dominant person…

you’re scared of losing your relationship with your daughter if you don’t do what she wants…well she is scared of losing her relationship with the friend(s) if she doesn’t do what they want. That needs addressing and both of you need to get some balls and say no.

also why have you set it up so you won’t spend time with her? Like why speak that into existence? and what summer jobs will she be working, there aren’t that many around? She may well end up straight back with you. You’re making peace with this future where she’s never around and is too busy for you because you’re scared it is. But why set it up that way?

Give her a bollocking about not letting people down because you get a better offer. Let her know she is in the wrong, but its her choice. What does she propose to do to refund you for the expense of cancellingf her part of the trip?

I really agree with this sage advice OP! Food for thought.

No wonder kids this age can’t find jobs etc
They can’t even commit to a luxury holiday - and their parents let them!!

I don't know why you started this thread, OP. You clearly had no intention of taking advice from wise parents like me

I am.

Given it seems fairly clear the friends holiday is the DD's dream trip, it was known about before OP decided she wanted to do a special family holiday, and was the DD's priority it was obviously risky to book the family trip before knowing the dates of the trip DD has been looking forward to for, probably, several years.

I'd be devastated too but I wouldn't insist she comes because she will likely be resentful. Equally, I wouldn't want to do the trip without her. I have two daughters too and love my time with them so I would see if I could change the flights for an admin fee and see if it's possible to change accommodation dates. I hope it works out for you

I genuinely cannot imagine the level of shit I would have been in if I had tried to pull this stunt. If my parents had saved up a lot of money and were taking me somewhere nice and had booked it around my plans it would have been totally unacceptable to decide not to come. I would have had to suck it up because I had accepted that invitation first. Some things, yeah, you can wrangle your way out of them but not ones where the other person has shelled out £££s.

If her friends won't adjust their dates for her holiday they may be luke warm friends and you may find the trip doesn't happen in the end. A lot of these planned trips don't happen for at least some of the group - often boyfriend / girlfriend has split up, or someone has new boyfriend / girlfriend and one is the ex and don't want to holiday together, someone ends up having to work that week, someone realises they have no money, they change their minds for the 50th time. She may well end up on your holiday but would definitely get her to push back with the friends re dates.

Not sure where you’re going but my daughter has just had her flights cancelled
ti Thailand, as stop off was effectively impossible because of trumps invasion

It's March. The holiday is in the summer. And there are a lot of airlines that fly to SEA which are not affected, other than flying a slightly different route at the moment.

Nah I wouldn't be joking about how she has to take you on an expensive holiday in the future etc etc. I"d be point blank shocked and disappointed that she'd even consider the friends trip having committed to the dates and booking of your family trip. Bit sad to miss out on the friends trip, but she committed. If my child wasn't like this I'd think I'd raised an arsehole.

On another note, the DD2's friend plan is really odd - no way would I let my teen go to SE Asia with another family.

I get that it's a tricky situation but I think you're setting a dangerous precedent by calmly accepting her choice. She's young and you are teaching her flakiness is ok even when it costs others significantly.

It sounds like she's potentially quite low in the pecking order at school so worse yet she's flaking for a group that may not care if she's there or not. Possibly - we don't know the ins and outs of their decision making system. But if the trip was meant to take place at a certain time, surely most would have been expecting that? Why has it actually changed?

This reminded me of a story about Katie Holmes when she told the makers of Dawsons Creek that she wouldn't be able to continue with her auditions because they clashed with her commitment to her high school play. They were so impressed by her integrity that it confirmed that she was the kind of girl they were looking for to play a good egg like Joey Potter. The rest is 90s tv history!

My point is, character and loyalty count for a lot.

Many 17 year olds will not want to go on holiday with their parents. I know that I didnt at 16. I had recently begun work in the civil service so I told my parents I could not get those weeks for annual leave. They believed me and I stayed home. My mother was only a little anxious about leaving a 16 year old alone in the house (1960s) but they were very different times and young people were not so much mollycoddled as they are now. She did ask the NDN to "keep an eye" on me (in other words snitch if I had boys in) but nothing like that happened.

I never went on holiday with my parents again.

It’s a bit naive to think at that age she’s not going to want to do the travel thing with her friends tbh. Peer pressure is massive at that age.

Honestly, I would let her go.

This for me is one of those times where you have to be the adult, and that means sucking it up and taking the rough end of the bargain for your child.

Yes it sucks, but it isn't her fault. It is an awful double booking that doesn't have an easy solution. One of you is going to be disappointed, and I'd rather that be me than my child.

I work with first year university students and honestly, those graduation trips are a big thing for them. They all arrive here at university sharing those experiences, and I've seen their photos and how happy and amazing a time they had. Would I want my child to miss out on this, just to make me happy?

Would I be happy though? Knowing that for the whole trip, my child would rather be elsewhere, and I forced them into coming? No, I'd find it a miserable and pressured holiday. I'd enjoy my own holiday much more knowing that I did something nice for my child, and they are having the trip they want.

Why not? You’d be fine at 15 to be away on holiday without parents if you trust the family

As for bringing your daughter's friend. If they are ok with that, I think that would be great, and probably make your own holiday better because your daughter will have a friend to have fun with, and you may get a bit more of a peaceful and easy time. You'd end up with two very happy daughters...

You have had to sacrifice your own personal happiness for it, but isn't that what we do a lot of the time as parents?