Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

275 replies

Gastropod · 16/03/2026 15:44

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
Gastropod · 16/03/2026 17:12

Thanks for all the additional thoughts. It really helps to have an impartial "sounding board".

I'm not sure how much flexibility there is on dates really. I can't take them away in August unfortunately as holiday time is split between her dad and me, and I already messed him around with dates trying to get this trip planned! So definitely these dates or not at all.

I did wonder about her joining us for part of it, and then going back early to join the friends' trip, but I'm not sure how we'd navigate that - literally! I arranged the trip so we kind of circle around from one place to the next and then back to the main airport. We'll be in jungles and on an island in between.

Part of me wants the lesson to be learned the hard way, maybe - she lets us down if that's her choice, but she pays for the other trip, and if it doesn't go ahead and she misses out altogether, then it's on her head. But then we'd all feel rubbish if that happened.

Anyway... I spoke to DD2, she's going to see if her best friend is at least "theoretically" available then. That way we have options. I'm trying hard not to get visibly upset in the meantime - that certainly won't help matters! But... ugh.

OP posts:
Kendodd · 16/03/2026 17:12

JaneBirkenstocks · 16/03/2026 16:18

I'd tell her she's coming on the family holiday because it's paid for. And that, would be that.

God this is such terrible advice, I can't believe it's not a spoof.

RedToothBrush · 16/03/2026 17:15

JaneBirkenstocks · 16/03/2026 16:18

I'd tell her she's coming on the family holiday because it's paid for. And that, would be that.

This.

Otherwise she can reimburse you for the cost and pay her own way on this other trip.

Ilovelurchers · 16/03/2026 17:15

I'm amazed so many of you would attempt to force your daughter to come on a holiday she didn't want to be on. Especially when she was a young adult! Isn't it entirely possible a 17 year old would just say, no thanks? I would have at that age. Maybe your 17 year olds are a bit scared of you.....

OP, please don't give her a hard time - this friends trip is clearly a massive deal at her school and probably something she has looked forward to for years. Can't you remember what that was like, at that age? I am sure in an ideal world she would do both. But she doesn't yafa the gift of omnipresence, so she can't.

I know you want her on the trip with you. But do your dwsriews trump hers? She's the one who is meant to be celebrating finishing school.

You have lost the money now regardless of whether she goes or not.

I know it's a real shame and a disappointment. But you are an adult, you can cope with that.

Ilovelurchers · 16/03/2026 17:18

Gastropod · 16/03/2026 17:12

Thanks for all the additional thoughts. It really helps to have an impartial "sounding board".

I'm not sure how much flexibility there is on dates really. I can't take them away in August unfortunately as holiday time is split between her dad and me, and I already messed him around with dates trying to get this trip planned! So definitely these dates or not at all.

I did wonder about her joining us for part of it, and then going back early to join the friends' trip, but I'm not sure how we'd navigate that - literally! I arranged the trip so we kind of circle around from one place to the next and then back to the main airport. We'll be in jungles and on an island in between.

Part of me wants the lesson to be learned the hard way, maybe - she lets us down if that's her choice, but she pays for the other trip, and if it doesn't go ahead and she misses out altogether, then it's on her head. But then we'd all feel rubbish if that happened.

Anyway... I spoke to DD2, she's going to see if her best friend is at least "theoretically" available then. That way we have options. I'm trying hard not to get visibly upset in the meantime - that certainly won't help matters! But... ugh.

What "lesson"? Don't have conflicting commitments through no fault of your own?

You seem to feel like your daughter is in the wrong here, and I don't see how. It's just an unfortunate clash.

TigTails · 16/03/2026 17:18

I’m another one who’d be telling her she’s coming on this trip (or going on no trip at all). It simply wouldn’t be up for debate.

If she doesn’t already know that her mother and sister also matter this is how she would very swiftly be learning.

Start your “adult relationship” with her as one where she respects you and honours existing commitments.

YorksMa · 16/03/2026 17:19

Where is the friends trip? I would worry that if something happened while she was travelling with her mates, I'd be on the other side of the world and unable to help.

trockodile · 16/03/2026 17:25

I think I would say that the trip is organised and paid for, therefore you would like her to come with you. Tell her you enjoy her company and you’ve been looking forward to it. If she doesn’t enjoy it, then she won’t have to come on a family holiday ever again!

RedToothBrush · 16/03/2026 17:26

Ilovelurchers · 16/03/2026 17:15

I'm amazed so many of you would attempt to force your daughter to come on a holiday she didn't want to be on. Especially when she was a young adult! Isn't it entirely possible a 17 year old would just say, no thanks? I would have at that age. Maybe your 17 year olds are a bit scared of you.....

OP, please don't give her a hard time - this friends trip is clearly a massive deal at her school and probably something she has looked forward to for years. Can't you remember what that was like, at that age? I am sure in an ideal world she would do both. But she doesn't yafa the gift of omnipresence, so she can't.

I know you want her on the trip with you. But do your dwsriews trump hers? She's the one who is meant to be celebrating finishing school.

You have lost the money now regardless of whether she goes or not.

I know it's a real shame and a disappointment. But you are an adult, you can cope with that.

It's been paid for.

She needs to take responsibility.

She can't just change her mind on a whim and expect mum to pick up the bill for it.

If she doesn't want to go now, she can pay for the trip still.

Lochroy · 16/03/2026 17:28

TigTails · 16/03/2026 17:18

I’m another one who’d be telling her she’s coming on this trip (or going on no trip at all). It simply wouldn’t be up for debate.

If she doesn’t already know that her mother and sister also matter this is how she would very swiftly be learning.

Start your “adult relationship” with her as one where she respects you and honours existing commitments.

Edited

The thing is, while I fully agree with your sentiment, and I’d love to just say that, black or white, we’ve all been 17 and we know what it’s like to be left out or to miss out.

marcyhermit · 16/03/2026 17:29

I'd tell her I'm really sad she's not coming up understand she wants to go with her friends.

I wouldn't fill her place though, I'd look forward to you and your 15 year old going.

Leave it open so if she doesn't get the money or organisation together to go with her friends she can still come with you.

HelenaWilson · 16/03/2026 17:30

I spoke to DD2, she's going to see if her best friend is at least "theoretically" available then.

Well once you invite the friend, you can't uninvite her, so if dd1's trip falls through, she'll be left with nowhere to go.

What "lesson"? Don't have conflicting commitments through no fault of your own?

No, that once you've made a commitment you stick to it. How will she feel if she books the holiday with friends and half of them drop out because they've got a better offer?

toodleoothen · 16/03/2026 17:31

Your trip was arranged before the friends' trip. She knew the dates. She clearly didn't advocate sufficiently for alternate dates or her friends didn't think her prior plans were worth navigating around.

While I would not want a sulky teenager on a trip, I would expect her to keep her word and commitments. That is a lesson worth imparting before she launches into adulthood. I certainly wouldn't be paying for the other trip (or perhaps her father will which might undermine your position).

HotRootsAndNaughtyToots · 16/03/2026 17:32

I'm afraid I'm of the opinion she doesn't get to cancel on you just because her peers have organised a trip which clashes and I certainly wouldn't be giving her an out.

DespairMode · 16/03/2026 17:34

OP you can't get your younger dd to "sound out" her friend - imagine hearing at 15 that you might be invited on an exotic holiday, and then it not happening!

ginasevern · 16/03/2026 17:34

@Ilovelurchers "Isn't it entirely possible a 17 year old would just say, no thanks? I would have at that age. Maybe your 17 year olds are a bit scared of you....."

So you would've let your single mum shell out a small fortune on a lovely holiday for you and your sister, then told her to shove it up her arse because you'd had a better offer? As for suggesting the OP is some kind of tyrant, that's just bloody mean of you. The OP has expressed only sadness at the situation which is a perfectly normal reaction from any mother.

Anewerforest · 16/03/2026 17:37

Gastropod · 16/03/2026 17:12

Thanks for all the additional thoughts. It really helps to have an impartial "sounding board".

I'm not sure how much flexibility there is on dates really. I can't take them away in August unfortunately as holiday time is split between her dad and me, and I already messed him around with dates trying to get this trip planned! So definitely these dates or not at all.

I did wonder about her joining us for part of it, and then going back early to join the friends' trip, but I'm not sure how we'd navigate that - literally! I arranged the trip so we kind of circle around from one place to the next and then back to the main airport. We'll be in jungles and on an island in between.

Part of me wants the lesson to be learned the hard way, maybe - she lets us down if that's her choice, but she pays for the other trip, and if it doesn't go ahead and she misses out altogether, then it's on her head. But then we'd all feel rubbish if that happened.

Anyway... I spoke to DD2, she's going to see if her best friend is at least "theoretically" available then. That way we have options. I'm trying hard not to get visibly upset in the meantime - that certainly won't help matters! But... ugh.

This is devastating OP and I am not sure you should hide that from her. Such a special time for you, and so carefully planned, but she would not say this to her friends and insist on a different date for their holiday.
You can't make her go but you can say that you are very disappointed not to be having this special holiday with her and her sister and that she hasn't treated you well.
Then leave it there and focus on enjoying the time with her sister, because guilt tripping DD1 won't help. Is there a relative or family friend that you would like to take instead- it doesn't have to be DD2's friend.

Original poster
Gastropod · 16/03/2026 17:39

Ilovelurchers · 16/03/2026 17:18

What "lesson"? Don't have conflicting commitments through no fault of your own?

You seem to feel like your daughter is in the wrong here, and I don't see how. It's just an unfortunate clash.

Show quote history

Maybe that was an unfortunate choice of words. I'm certainly not actively punishing her. I was absolutely blindsided when she told me, and it was hard to hide that reaction, but I haven't guilt tripped her or got angry, just said we'll have to talk about it later once we know what the options are.

I understand that at that age, friends are everything. That's why I've not insisted on her coming on the family trip. But it's also an age where it's important to start learning that actions have consequences - and those consequences could be financial. This change of plans could end up costing quite a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gastropod · 16/03/2026 17:40

YorksMa · 16/03/2026 17:19

Where is the friends trip? I would worry that if something happened while she was travelling with her mates, I'd be on the other side of the world and unable to help.

I don't know yet where the other trip will be to - probably Europe. Her dad won't be far away if anything did happen while we are away, so I'm less concerned about that aspect.

OP posts:
wjn · 16/03/2026 17:40

But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

I think you should tell her that and she's old enough to understand it. You don't do things like that to people.
She also needs to understand what an effort you went to to save the money for the trip.

Don't get your DD to "sound out" her friend until you have had more discussions with your DD.

I don't know why people are implying you forced her into the trip in the first place or that you will force her now. You planned it together. She could have said at any point that she didn't want to go, before it was booked and paid for.

You can't force her to go now but you can talk to her about it and it's possible she might change her mind.
And I'd definitely be saying I wasn't paying a penny towards the trip with her friends. You don't have it to spare now as you've had to pay for the holiday she now doesn't want to go on.

Original poster
Gastropod · 16/03/2026 17:41

DespairMode · 16/03/2026 17:34

OP you can't get your younger dd to "sound out" her friend - imagine hearing at 15 that you might be invited on an exotic holiday, and then it not happening!

It's all right, she just asked her when she was going away this summer. No mention of anything else!

OP posts:
JuliettaCaeser · 16/03/2026 17:42

Urgh absolute sympathy op this is rubbish for you. Bloody teenagers. This is frankly why we haven’t booked one of these trips. Teens can be so mercurial. It’s all about the friends. Ignore the terrible advice to force her though. Ours is joining our family a holiday a few days late due to her friends trip. Fine we hadn’t booked her flight out anyway for this reason and are staying in Europe.

I would let her know you are upset though. Take a pal for dd2 and don’t ever pay for her again.

rookiemere · 16/03/2026 17:46

That’s so hard but the school leavers holiday is important to them. DS 19 is in his second year of university and still talks about his. I think there’s nothing to be gained by forcing her to come on the family trip, but I do feel your pain.

Squirrelandhedgehogs · 16/03/2026 17:47

Its fairly common for social teens to plan these things right up to the wire and also changing plans. Sometimes the friends trips don't happen in the end too as someone changed their mind.

I would not force a 17 year old to go on a holiday but would in future make more flexible plans yourself (I plan in advance but only book fully refundable things more than a month or so in advance if DD is involved). Flights - can you take another person instead, generally not and a new flight ticket would need to be bought. Are the flights refundable at all? I would stress to the 17 year old that you can't just name change on a booking and get her to push back on dates.

Loveandheights · 16/03/2026 17:47

I think the question is whether after her graduation you want to centre your emotions and needs or hers