17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

I wouldn't be disappointed in her.

I would never want my daughter to put my happiness above hers. That's my job, I chose to give birth to her and I'm her mom.

I would never think my desire to have her accompany me was more important than her desire to do the thing that made her most happy.

I am amazed so many of you expect your kids to put you before themselves. And could enjoy the holiday, knowing it was making their child unhappy to be there.

I get why you're disappointed, but I think this is on you, OP.

From the sounds of it the school friends trip was always your DD's priority. And while your DD won't have a huge amount of experience with how things like dates move when trying to get a big group together - you should know what it's like. So unless you discussed this scenario in detail and your DD had said she knew there was a risk but she really wanted to come on the family holiday regardless of when the friends trip was, booking a non-changeable family trip before you were sure of dates for that one was risky. I know you wanted to spread costs, but you can just save the money up to spread the cost, you don't have to actually buy as soon as you have the cash. It can be cheaper to buy early, but equally you can get amazing deals if you go last minute too. Given the uncertainty, I think you chose to take the risk and you need to swallow it.

So I'm glad you don't want to guilt her. I would treat the other trip just as you would if it wasn't clashing with your family trip. She's going to miss out on the holiday-of-a-lifetime as it is, you don't need to make her feel worse. She isn't the one who created this issue.

They normally happen in late June/early July.
I don’t know why you’d book at that time when you must have known there would be a clash.

She didn't. DD told her the leavers trip would be early July so she chose her dates accordingly. It's in the op.

Id be really upset if I was you. I actually think she is being really entitled and selfish. I appreciate at 17 your friends are important. However she is more than old enough to have an understanding of money and how hard you will have saved for the holiday.
Plus she actually wanted to go and had input into planning it all!

Id understand if you booked a holiday without consulting her but she actually wanted to go! I would ensure she understands how hard you worked for the money and how many thousands of pounds you will lose. I would also be informing her that you won't be giving her a penny towards the other trip and you can't afford it anyway. In fact, I'd be inclined to tell her that if she's not going with you then she definitely can't afford to go with her friends because any extra money she has will be going towards paying you back.

It's not an 'adult relationship' if you are forcing someone to do something against their will. You also can't force a 17 year old to get on a plane, or to not pay for their own trip.

It is very disappointing and very unfortunate that the dates clash. Everyone at that school will have known for years they do this, it will be the only chance she gets to go away with her school friends. The 'adult relationship' you speak of will start with resentment. Another Mum/daughter trip can be planned, but not with her school friends in their final year.

Personally I think the problem here is the Dad not being flexible with the holidays. Understandable if he's booked somewhere away already, but I wouldn't;t want my daughter to miss out on either trip. I'd just work around it. Not as if the OP or the DD did this deliberately.

In what way would that be that
Would she just say yes mum that’s fine
Seems very unlikely
OP I would be gutted but the end of school holiday is such a big thing and mine would all have been gutted to miss it

I was thinking the same thing. This trip probably can't be repeated either, as op is a single mother who cashed out significantly for it, and it's possible that one day dd will wish she did the trip instead of a friends trips with a bunch of people she might not even be in touch with 6 months after the trip.

It isn't about putting the mum's happiness over the daughter's. It's about being a decent human being who sticks with plans that other people have shelled out a load of money on. There's a line between putting your daughter's happiness first and making an entitled brat.

Nope - you look for a fix that acknowledges that OP might have been wiser to wait until the group event that she was trying to book around had actually been booked? Preferable to incur an admin cost rebooking for herself and DDs rather than the admin cost of changing the booking names to that of another child (DD2’s friend) that she would really rather not take, surely?

These things happen. Events clash. We book in good faith and realise afterwards that we ought to have waited. If it’s moveable, everyone’s happy.

I'm amazed that you think it's ok for an almost adult to be so selfish to put a teen girls trip they'll barely remember because they'll be drunk for most of it, ahead of a hugely expensive trip her single mother worked hard to give her, that she agreed to go on!

It's the daughter that's selfish. My god some people would sell a kidney to have their parent take them on a SE Asia trip. The ungratfulness of it all.

It isn't about putting your needs ahead of your kids'. It is about bringing them up to respect commitments, and be appreciative of their parent's effort and expense.

To begin with, two things.

First, I don't think your DD "changed her mind". She always wanted to go on both trips, but the dates have changed and that is no longer possible.

Second, this is not your DD's "trip of a lifetime" or your family's "trip of a lifetime". It is yours. Yours alone. Nobody else cares as much.

I am genuinely sympathetic with your position, but in 20 years time your DD is more likely to remember the last trip with her friends from school than her holiday with you and her sister. Really sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true.

Let your DD go on the holiday with her friends that she wants to go on. And don't punish her by saying she has to pay for it all herself, or refusing to engage with her excitement. Be the adult.

If you cannot get any money back from the trip you booked, then take your DDs advice and go with your younger daughter and perhaps one of her friends.

Do your family trip of a lifetime next year. That will be just as special and your DD will get the memories of a trip with you and the trip with her friends.

And when your younger DD hits 17 the year after next remember not to book your family's "second best trip of a lifetime" (because you've already told her that the trip you booked with her older sister in mind is the family's "trip of a lifetime") until her actual trip of a lifetime with her friends is booked and paid for.

Comprehension is lost on some of you.

OP booked her trip around the dates DD1 gave her. DD1's friends have moved the goalposts.

Stop blaming OP for this

I completely agree with all of this.

Why not take one of yur friends if your DD2's best friend can't go? You could involve DD2 in all the travel plans and make her feel more grown up going on hols with two adults.

Before anything is decided, I would ask DD to go back to her friend group and explain her situation and see if there is anyway that the friends' trip can be moved to allow her to do both. Surely that would be a win-win for the two of you? I am sure her friends would be cooperative if they really are her friends.

But anyone with teen girls knows how often dates / arrangements change and how hard it is to tie them to specifics

Why assume she would be unhappy on the holiday, shes planned it with her mum and was looking forward to it

You risk raising a very selfish child, if by 17 there isnt an expectations that you dont let someone down last minute like this, particularly over something so complex, highly planned and costly.

Nope, not with my two teen girls it wasn't. As 30 year olds they are very hard to tie down😂

I would be very upset too. I think she’s being a bit selfish but she’s 17 and she’s worried she will miss out on a trip away with friends. Obviously you can’t make a 17 year old get on a plane with you and you don’t want her to ruin the trip away by moaning the whole time. I think you need to sit down with her, explain how much this holiday is costing and that it was meant to be a really special trip. As a single parent it would have been even more of challenge to pay for.

Her friends should be arranging the trip to fit around everyone, it’s unfair that they decided to book it when she’s supposed to be on a family holiday.

Yes, this !
My daughter missed a family trip to go on a post A level trip with a couple of friends. The difference was that we planned our trip knowing that hers might clash, and we were all clear in advance that she didn’t have to come with us. We were in different European countries, I would not have agreed if our trip had been more than a couple of hours flight from where she was going with her friends. We were slightly closer to her than we would have been at home, so I agreed to the trip. What happens if your dd is taken ill, or there is another emergency, and you are in Asia ? Where is the school friends’ trip, is it to somewhere pretty safe ?
It is also really bad manners to drop an event because something more appealing has come up.
Could your dd do a smaller trip with a couple of close friends at a different time, rather than a bigger trip with some people she may not even be very friendly with ?

I’d suggest she pays the fee to change the dates of your trip, to enable both to happen .., whilst also explaining about trying not to let people down after arrangements are confirmed… opportunity for a life lesson; you make a commitment, you keep to it especially if cancelling means someone else being out of pocket or you offer to cover any cost involved in rearranging…

But anyone with teen girls knows how often dates / arrangements change and how hard it is to tie them to specifics

So how long is op (and dd2 and the girls' dad and possibly their respective employers if they have to book leave) supposed to wait for them to get their collective arses in gear? It's mid-March. That's late enough to be booking a July holiday.

My dd is the same age. I think you should get her to push back against the group before you go any further. And I’d be wanting an explanation as to why they can’t move the date by a few days to accommodate your holiday. If it’s an arbitrary reason, that’s not on.

Agree with this.

Because DD said that that was the best time to go to avoid a clash with her friends trip. She dictated the date that OP booked for (and OP had to mess DD's dad about, to free up those dates) and now she says she's not going. That's what is happening and so entitled of DD.