17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

Absolutely not, she is taking the piss. The trip is paid for and a lot of it is non refundable so I would tell her she is going. The time to drop out was before the non-refundable payments, so it's too late.

Are you sure you can't alter the dates? This far out? It depends who you booked with, but might be worth looking into. Could you give the booked trip to someone else-I know it would cost to follow legalities, change names etc, but would it be possible for friends/family/anyone to buy it from you, and you wait until near the time you want to go(to avoid the problem of either child getting other plans made in the meantime, and book last minute? I know last minute deals aren't like they used to be, but you can sometimes get decent packages too, so if you go at another time, at least the cost might not as much.

I'd be really upset about this.

I would personally expect her to either come, or else cover the cost of the other holiday herself AND the cost of either her third of your holiday or, if someone else goes, the cost involved in changing the flights etc.

But tbh I'd expect her to honour her prior commitment and hope her friends reconsider the dates. I couldn't force her of course but I would tell her my thoughts on flakey behaviour.

My stepson has bailed on two holidays we planned around him because he got a better offer. Drove me insane.

If you could change the dates so she can do both would she talk to her dad and explain? He might be more accommodating if it’s her asking and her who’ll suffer if he digs his heels in.

I really feel for you OP and both your DDs too. There doesn’t seem a way to keep everyone happy which is so sad. But there must be a way! We can help you find it.

This is a bit left-field, but is there any chance she’s on the periphery of the friendship group and a date she couldn’t easily make was chosen in the hope she couldn’t / wouldn’t go? Sorry if this is way off the mark, I don’t mean to offend, it was just a thought (and it’s what I’ve have thought had it happened to me at 17!). Surely the only thing the others would be doing on other dates is going away with their own families?

Has the friends trip actually been booked? Is there any chance that if she told them she really couldn't make it they would suddenly be able to change it?
From experience with my teenagers so many plans were made that never happened or were changed at the last minute . She will be even more disappointed if she ends up either doing nothing or missing your trip when she could have gone because the friends plan changes.
I'd been suggesting quite firmly that she goes with you. Your holiday sounds exciting and not to be missed!

Why can’t the friends do early July if this is when such trips usually are?

I’d want to be sure DD had a full answer to this. Is it perhaps because someone else has a family holiday in early July…? if so then it’s not clear why her family holiday gives way rather than the other person’s.

I’d also want her to check if there is a date option that only clashes a little bit with your trip so that DD could come and join.

If it really is impossible to move the group trip then I would accept that the group trip comes first. These post A level trips are really important to them and I know it’s easy to say this now but ideally you shouldn’t have booked anything till it was fixed.

I would definitely be pushing to see if there’s any way she can do both though.

This was my thought exactly . Why does it NEED to be those dates unless others are away the other dates . Can’t she speak up OP and try get another date?

I have a 17yr old and there’s no way I’d let him renege on an expensive and booked family trip.

I think you need to be very firm with her and explain that you’ve invested a lot of time and money on this trip and she can’t simply jump ship at this stage.

I was going to say the same. A week in some Brits abroad shit hole getting pissed for a week snagging about ( oh how i miss those days) versus an amazing experience in SEA. Her loss.

ideally you shouldn’t have booked anything till it was fixed.

Supposing it never was fixed? How long should op and dd2 wait to sort their holiday, missing out on cheap deals, for a bunch of 17/18yos to make up their minds?

If she’s old enough to go abroad with friends on her own the she’s old enough to understand the hurt and the consequences of her choices. And pay for it herself. And don’t let her dad pay either.
Why are you hiding how upset you are? She has completely and utterly ditched a once in a lifetime family trip for what sounds like a pretty flakey trip with people who don’t sound much like good friends.
There is no way I’d have let my Dd back out on something like this. The money wasted aside from anything else! I’m quite shocked at how many people are prepared to just be treated like this by their own child.

I wouldn't do anything rash at this point. It's worth researching options, but don't cancel anything or make an offer to someone else at this point.. Who knows how many times DD will change her mind.

And honestly, I wouldn't invite someone to take her place. It's quite odd the cost and just have quality time with your younger DD. Honestly, I'd be surprised if your didn't end up out on a limb while younger DD and her friend are in a huddle throughout the trip.

To be honest I think you’re overreacting

Family is important, but theoretically you’re going to be in each others lives for your lifespan.

Whereas it’s likely in the coming months that her friends will go their separate ways. She won’t always have the same ability to get the same group of people together and it sounds like she’ll be missing out on core memories with her friends, when she has next year and every following year to go on holiday with you.

How gutting! Sounds like an incredible trip you have planned.

honestly, If you can’t fill her spot with somebody else then I seriously think she needs to reimburse you for the lost money.

We’ve all been 17 and now how all about your friends you are at that age. But she had some serious plans agreed with you which she’s backed out of at massive financial cost to you. Learning that actions have consequences is a really important lesson.

she could have advocated hard when the dates were being arranged with her friends and picked other dates for the trip, or alternatively accepted she already had travel plans that she was committed to so couldn’t go.

I think quite strongly that’s she needs to reimburse you for cancelling.

It wasn’t sprung on her, she’s had input and agreed to go and she’s old enough to understand how much it’s cost. Now she’s letting people down. There’s nothing at all wrong with being absolutely clear that her behaviour and attitude are very disappointing.

I’ve been in this position, (mine are adults now) and if she doesn’t want to go don’t make her because she’ll totally ruin the holiday for everyone else. I know it’s disappointing for you but trust me it’s worse dragging a miserable teenager halfway across the world, take your other daughters friend as she’s suggested.

I feel for you OP

how far do the trips overlap ? If it’s a day or 2 I would ask her to nicely ask the group if dates can change so she can do both - explain yours is booked and quite a portion non refundable plus dates agreed with ex can’t be changed & see if that switches it

secondly are your flights already non refundable ? If you were to cxdaughte from trip would you get any of flight cost back ? I assume you were all sharing a room/suite so whilst on sone you may have a larger room for 2 than needed I would still go with 15 year old

Its this summer, you wouldnt leave a trip like that to the last minute.

I book our holidays about a year in advance.

Friends are everything at that age. Then they go to uni and drift away from these friendships. Is there any chance DD can join you later on the trip? I am sorry for you. You may already know this but parenting a YP post school is still very much parenting and your dad may well still attend family holidays with you.

It’s disappointing but at 17/18 I’d have been more upset missing a friends trip and would feel that I was missing out on a rite of passage. I’d go without her and enjoy the trip with your other daughter.

Tell her how you feel. I'd be really upset too. To be honest, at 17 it wouldn't have even occurred to me that my parents would be bothered by this but I also wouldn't have wanted to hurt them and would've wanted to know if I had so I could try and put it right.

Kids are flakey. I can imagine you changing the flights and then the school leavers completely changng their dates, or dropping the idea altogether.

It's maddening, because you deliberately choose the dates that suited the DD who now doesn't want to come, and it sounds as though it involved coordination with your ex. So basically she dictated the dates, and now is backing out.

I am inclined to think they are not her genuine friends as they would re-arrange. I think your daughter is selfish.

I agree with this.

I’m quite a “cool” mum. I don’t have curfews, very few rules, super relaxed and spoil my kids too much.

But, if I’ve paid thousands for a holiday for the family in full consultation with them then they had better make themselves available for it.

Anything else is just rude, entitled, ungrateful behaviour that I wouldn’t stand for.

Before you involve dd2's friend I would strongly suggest you check the terms and conditions with regards to the flight tickets.

Schedule flights - and especially the "Good deals" are generally "No changes/no refunds".
(Retired senior travel exec.)
Unless of course you were just thinking of scrapping dd1's flights - in which case you should be able to reclaim the tax back - and friend to buy a completely new ticket but here I would definitely suggest you contact the airline and have both bookings attached just in case of any offloading or similar.

Sorry for this but hope it helps in some small way.