17-year-old changed her mind about family "trip of a lifetime"

[Gastropod]

DD aged 17 leaving school this year. Had planned a trip of a lifetime together this summer to SE Asia, with her 15YO sister and me. I'm divorced so it was just to be the three of us, last proper trip together as a family before she leaves home in September. Trip is booked, flights paid and half of the hotel accommodation also paid for.

Her school - we aren't in UK - has a tradition of the final year kids all going off on a school leavers' trip together. It's not organised by the school, it's something the kids do. She had told me it would be early July so we arranged our trip dates accordingly.

She's now told me the dates of the trip with the other kids clashes 100% with our trip, and so she no longer wants to come with us. She was apologetic and suggested that my other daughter "brings a friend" instead.

I'm really hurt and trying not to show it - but it's hard. How do I navigate this? Insist she comes on the holiday? It was meant to be something wonderful that we had all planned together. I understand that friends are everything at that age but still. There's no way she could pay me back - the trip cost a lot of money, that I'd saved up for especially.

I don't see the point of guilt tripping her. But I want her to understand that you can't just let people down like this, even if it's your family. And not when there's money involved. I'm really torn.

TBH - if your doesn’t want to go on the holiday - she needs to refund your money.

Having been through these years my advice is stick to the family holiday try to help her have a break with some of the friends at a different time. After the first Uni Xmas they barely keep in touch anyway

How is she paying for this?

I would be really cross actually and expect her to come on the family holiday.

How come the dates clash? You said you planned around the "school"?

I cant imagine telling my parents I am not going on planned expensive holiday.

If it is a tradition for them to organise and go on a trip it sounds like one of those rights of passage events. Just look at the fuss people make about the leavers "prom" in the UK even when it is essentially just a Disco in the school hall.

I think I would support her going. At 17 a trip to south Asia isn't really a once in lifetime trip - she has many many years in which she could go, but going on the school leaver trip can't be repeated.

Tbh OP, I would put my foot down on this. She organised it with you, knows it has all been booked for ages. She needs to push back on her friends and get the dates moved for her, currently figurative, end of year trip!

She already explained, the holiday at the end of school with the mates was usually at a certain time, so OP planned around that, but the school mates have all set it, putting pressure on OPs daughter, at a slightly later time, which now clashes with the holiday

there are a lot of people being quite (overtly or hinting) judgy towards OP, with all the "they always do these trips soon after school ends" (i.e. OP should have known not to book her holiday then) "I wouldn't have booked anything until her other trip was organised," etc.

All seem to be missing the point that her dd told her the friends trip WAS organised for July. If the dd had said 'I'm not sure when it will be," or "It might be July or August" or even "it will probably be July," OP probably wouldn't have booked the family holiday until she was sure.

I agree it's understandable why the dd would prefer to go with her friends (but, again OP has also accepted that herself, so equally not sure why so many people have felt the need to explain that to her), but ultimately it is the dd's fault. If she wasn't 100% sure when the friends trip would be, or that there was a possibility it might be changed, she should have said that and not hedged her bets hoping to get 2 big holidays, 1 free!

I am feeling a bit blue today which is colouring my thoughts, but, I have some really nice happy memories of trips with my parents at that age, and particularly now that I have lost a parent, they feel even more special. In contrast I did a school leavers type trip to a Greek island and it was hell, really. With the benefit of hindsight and a couple of decades, I know which one I'd rather have skipped now!

At 17 a trip to south Asia isn't really a once in lifetime trip - she has many many years in which she could go, but going on the school leaver trip can't be repeated.

Going with her mum and sister probably can't be repeated either. OP probably won't have the money or the inclination to book another trip of this kind, and in a couple of years dd2 will be off on her leavers holiday.

Karma will no doubt strike - at some point in her life dd will be on the receiving end of something like this.

Peak MN as I believe they say - a trip to SE Asia is not a trip of a lifetime. Particularly one paid for by someone else, aka mum.

Unfortunately this might have to be a lesson she learns the hard way (and you and dd2 are collateral damage)

I suspect when you come home with amazing stories of places she did genuinely want to go to she will realise that a cheap week in the sun didn't really compare. But I don't think she'll realise until it is too late.

I wouldn't take a friend for dd2 either, it'll be an easier dynamic with just the two of you.

In all honesty. I would tell her “great, you can go, we will lose the money if your booking so I don’t think I can help you pay for the other trip”

Let her pay for it or stay with family if she still prefers not to join you. It is not too early to teach her that she is only free to do as she pleases when she is totally financially independent, for example, when she doesn’t need you to house or fed her.

Tbh I would say ‘that’s a shame but we already have this booked’. Only doing things unless you get a better offer is a shoddy way to behave.

I can understand your daughter preferring to go away with her friends to being with family. However the school leavers trip must be very enticing for her to turn down S E Asia, where are they going?

There's nothing you can do but accept it and, as you have agreed, not fund the school leaver's gig.

She probably thinks this will be last opportunity for all of them to be together and leaving school is a landmark whereas family will continue to be at home. I can understand that but feel sorry for your disappointment.

You will get over this and you may find someone to take her place on your holiday. It's important that you enjoy yourself with your younger daughter. It sounds like the holiday of.a lifetime!

Indeed. How very middle class life in the comfort zone to assume that everyone can afford a family trip to SE Asia. After all, it’s almost the equivalent of popping over to France for the weekend. 😜

To be honest, they all sound like a bunch of spoiled kids. Do none of these kids have summer jobs or need to earn any actual money?!!

Before you burn bridges, can you call your travel agent/airline and explore moving the flight/hotel booking etc? There may be a charge, but if it means you can move it a few weeks so that DD can do both the family thing and her group one, it might be worth the cost?

Her trip might not really happen. Mine went back and forth with her friends..different dates/destinations/so much research..and it came to nothing in the end as one of the parents didn’t give permissions and the rest of the group then felt bad to go away.
bide your time - you never know how this will end.

but I’d be very disappointed and I’d make that very clear to a flaky teen.

I would suggest OP and her second daughter go on the planned trip together and have a lovely time - the older one can pay for her own holiday and hope she realises how selfish she is being when they come back and share their experiences. She only gets one chance at this wonderful trip with mother and sister.

We have had similar her but our son is a little older, first year uni and they go interrailing .
I booked our summer holiday to Lake Garda and the Dolomites months ago . It doesn't compare to your holiday at all but when my son said he would not be able to come I was quite annoyed and sad.
I asked him to go back to his friends and try to reschedule the friend trip . He did that and they acceded to his request thankfully . I think you really need to push this and hope they change their trip if nothing is booked .
I also think your daughter should staright away have said that she could not do those dates , due to an amazing holiday she is going on with her family . To be honest I am surprised any teen would choose a week in Ibiza over your fabulous holiday

I'd be so cross in your shoes that there would be two of me - I'm very impressed that you haven't lost your temper.
In your situation I would let her go on the friends trip (taking a sulky teen on an expensive holiday she doesnt want to be on would be hideous) but I wouldn't take a random extra teen - just go on an amazing trip with your other daughter. You'll get some incredible memories to share!

I would be livid if I were you. Forcing her to go with you isn’t going to be good though as she’d likely be awful throughout the trip. She would be funding her own trip fully.

Op tbh I wouldn’t take dd2 friend it was meant to be a family trip so don’t take anyone else if you do your dd1 could ask for money for her trip with friends and if you say no she could say oh but you got your money back from dd2 friend unless you weren’t asking for any financial contribution but either way it’s hurtful what dd1 has done and when it happens to her she will realise flakiness is not a good trait.

What? Everyone else capitulates to selfish dd?

6th form leavers do these trips every year. It’s well known. In the UK and abroad.
They normally happen in late June/early July.
I don’t know why you’d book at that time when you must have known there would be a clash.