My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

Well the first thing is to stop all the money, lifts, clothes etc.

My profound sympathies, OP. I don't have any advice really apart from the idea that he might grow out of it in years to come. However, that's not much help now I know. I agree with the PP, I think you'll have to stop giving him extra money.

To add, your family dynamics sound a lot like mine when I was growing up. Please don't overlook your daughter, she needs you and your DH as much as your son does.

How about rewards rather than consequences? Yes I'll take you to your mate's after you've washed up.

Reduce arguments. State your point and leave it. If he wants the last word, let him. (This is also good for MN...)

He sounds entitled and spoilt, don't give in to his demands, you and your DH sound too soft on him. 1k on christmas gifts is ridiculous when he is treating you all with a complete lack of respect.

No lifts (he can walk, cycle, use public transport). Modest allowance and no other pocket money, except that if money motivates him enough you might be able to use it as a reward to reinforce good behaviour. Make it simple and attainable though, eg for a specific chore - washing car? doing his own washing? cooking a simple meal for family (sausages and oven chips?).

What's going on at school that he has a terrible attitude and is on report? I know some teens are just like that! but sometimes there is an underlying problem like poor literacy skills mean accessing the curriculum is harder and behaviour gets worse.

Also you say you put in consequences for that, but what are they. Is the schools consequence enough? Im not saying let him get away with terrible things, but if your consequence isnt improving the situation whats the point if it?

Is he now old enough to be given an allowance and no extra? So its not a stream of requests and arguments.

Why spend £1k on him for Christmas when all this is going on. Sounds like you’re trying to buy him but he isn’t going to change if you keep coddling him.

He’s a teenage boy, stop everything but the basics until he can sort out his attitude and his school issues.

Stop comparing him to your daughter, he is going to know you prefer her and I’d bet it’s been apparent for a while that you do.

And if he comes back on time that is at least one positive.

Why on earth are you 'rewarding' him with £1k worth of gifts? What message does this send him (and your DD)? Behave like a brat and you will get whatever you want!

Sounds f-ing hard....
No judgement mine are small...

yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.

Are these expectations being met?

What is the rationale behind 1k of shite for christmas when his behaviour is ruinous to home life for everyone???
Your DH wants nothing to do with him but spent 1k on him?
Whats been spent on you or your dd?

Is there any area (films, football) or hobby you or your DH can connect with him on?

That's what has made the situation worse, by us stopping everything.
He was being very rude to us about washing his clothes because they werent done on time so husband told him from now on he can do his own washing to ensure its done etc. This makes us the worse parents in the world and he accuses us of neglect!! He has even threatened to tell school we are neglecting him. All because we asked him to wash his own clothes. He says thats our job as parents . His attitude towards us is just disgusting and disrespectful

Maslow

Look up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You (over) provided for his material needs, but what about other aspects of his development?

Yes he’s fighting for his independence so let him have it. No lifts, no treats, no phone until he can prove he’s responsible and doing well at school.

Strip it all away and make him earn every bit of privilege. This is what you both should’ve have done with him since he was little. He’s spoilt.

Reward your DD’s nice behaviour and tell/show him in no uncertain terms that you get rewarded for being a good housemate and team mate.

Show him how to use the washing machine and let him do it himself.

What's good about him, what do you like? He is your son - your husband doesn't get to opt out of having a relationship with him. Spending £1k is not the essentials. Love is, double down on that, drop the comparison (which also isn't doing your daughter any good) stop the mad spending and enforce some boundaries and consequences

Regarding Xmas, we do it so they are treated equally because its already so apparent that "we prefer our daughter " i couldn't imaging coming downstairs on Xmas morning where she has a massive pile of presents and he has nothing. I think that would just make everything a million times worse.
At school he is the same as at home because there are rules and boundaries. He thinks he is an equal to the teachers and has no respect for them . Thinks hes better than them. Thinks he knows more than them. Argues back then gets into trouble.
I've been to the achool multiple times and we sit and talk to him and explain that it wont be tolerated in a job, he will just get the sack.
Everything is always everyone else's fault according to him and he will never apologise or take any accountability. He also doesnt have any empathy towards anyone.
We just want him to get to 18 and leave our home, that's how desperate we feel now

Id actually be quite nervous of cutting back money too harshly for a child that is used to having it and is out all the time with friends (especially one who is apparently good in this situation only). They might be easy to suck into county lines.

Im not suggesting endless 1k treats! But more measured approach than everything to nothing.

My son turns 15 soon. There is no way he would be going on like that as is life would be a living hell if he did. He would have no phone, would not be over the door with his mates. As for getting 1k spent on him for Christmas, hell would freeze over before that happens. You and your husband need to get on the same page, sit him down and tell him how disappointed you are with him and that his behaviour is going to have consequences.

Sounds like you are just irritated by his presence and regard him as an inconvenience, rather than being concerned about his not doing well at school and never wanting to be at home.

Amazing holidays, a big house and 1k of xmas gifts (wtf) do not automatically equate with a happy stable and secure home and childhood. He sounds spoilt for sure, but I would also bet he isn’t very happy. You have work to do and your husband too.

I understand why you want things to be equal at Christmas because getting him nothing would be difficult to come back from. But I think you should hold firm on not doing lifts, money, washing etc. if he wants to live his own life, that applies to the responsibilities as well as the privileges.

I would bet money on him feeling unloved and disliked well before his behaviour turned so extreme. The fact you’ve openly admitted that you just want him to turn 18 and leave says it all. You don’t care about him or his wellbeing and whether you’ve said it out loud or not he will know. .

Husband and I are now totally on the same page. We both talk to him together and back each other up on punishments /consequences.

Son says all time that hes leaving as soon as he is able to, but has no idea or motivation of what to do as a job etc. There is no way he will go to college /university, he cant wait to leave school. Im hoping him getting a job will be the making of him and he changes as he matures.

We have tried the love bombing in the past, but that just enables him to ask for more and want more. Everything revolves around what he can have and what he can get.
He doesnt want to spend any time with us. We've got a Xmas family meal booked , hes already said hes not coming. He didn't come last year. That's where we are at now. We have tried to force him to come and join in with us and he completely ruins the experience being rude, demanding, sulky so we dont want him there now ourselves. Its a horrible situation but we are so exhausted by it we ourselves dont even want to try anymore. Its been going on for years

14-17 is peak boy teendom. Remember they do come out the other side.
Meanwhile, you need routine, consistency, natural consequences, and some fun thrown in, so that not all your interactions with him are negative.
Boys do lock horns with their fathers at this age, and many men find it difficult to deal with. Your DH will have to find a way of accommodating this. The reality is, DH is in charge in that DS is living in house on his dime. So DH needs to be aware of that, help DS to comply with the house rules, teach him to show respect to you and his sister, and try not to engage in shows of manliness.
So rather than telling him to do the washing up, he could suggest they do it together. He could make it clear that money for extras is linked to helpfulness and pleasantness, and stick to it. He could do what *DisplayPurposesOnly said, lifts after chores etc. He needs to demonstrate calmness and reasonableness, which is difficult given the provocation, but nonetheless, he is the adult here. I would suggest very clear guidelines : money for luxuries and going out depends on attitude - each day he does specified tasks gets him a set amount. If he doesn't do them, then he doesn't get the money. He doesn't need expensive clothes or haircuts - he gets those as a bonus for good behaviour ( again be specific ) But he needs to be aware that you can and will kit him out in Primark and that rewards have to be earned.
He's old enough to understand that expensive trainers can cost a day's wages; if he expects you to work for a day to fund this, he will have to contribute quite substantially. Maybe even do it as overtime and get him to prepare dinner/do the washing or whatever you would normally do in that time - spell it out as working extra hours to get him something he wants. Don't let him assume that that the money is just there. He should understand that you are going over and above for him.
I agree cutting back on arguments and confrontations would help. If DS's room is a mess, that's his problem, not yours. If he hasn't done his homework, that's his problem.

Regarding not caring for him, I was going to split my family up for him. I have ALWAYS put him first. Me and him have always been so so close and he would tell me everything and we would spend time together. Our family times were fun and loving. NOTHING has changed on our part, we are the same as always. Im always reaching out to him
It is him that has completely changed and there doesnt seem to be a trigger. School have asked him , other family members have asked him. He also treats them differently now too. Was loving to grandparents, now rude and offhand with them.
We are now at a point that we are so worn down by it and frustrated having tried everything I feel like giving up

When you have one very difficult child that is harder to love. They do tell you to try and find somethings you do like about them and talk to them about that, every day. Your husband needs to build a connection with him somehow if you a actually want the situation to improve.

A lot of the just become harsher and harsher comments might mean you spend less, or arent doing so much work for someone so ungrateful, which might be a relief. Then in a few years he's left. but I dont think they will actually improve the relationship longer term.

Edited to say i hadn't seen your most recent post saying you had already tried lovebombing