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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

594 replies

Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 01/12/2025 08:24

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 01/12/2025 08:56

I’d pay for his phone to keep him safe, but everything else stops.

mondaytosunday · 01/12/2025 08:57

He can tell the school whatever he likes - you think they will believe him? He’s holding you hostage.
As for the presents - if you are spending £1000 on each of your children you must be fairly well off and I can see how he’s been used to getting what he wants.
Stop spoiling him - really he may kick off but is that any worse than he is now? He had no where to go. ‘Reporting’ you is not going anywhere either - they will see straight through him.
Is there another adult outside your family he respects and may listen to?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/12/2025 08:57

Why is he allowed free rein to go out whenever he wants? Surely you set time for him to do his homework, chores etc.

If any if us kids had been naughty at school first thing we'd be grounded for a week (and we had no mobile/tablet/xbox)

albalass · 01/12/2025 08:59

You say you needed to buy £1k in gifts for your son because he needs to have the same as his sister. Which kind of misses the point that no child needs £1k of presents. They sound incredibly materially spoiled children. They obviously get a lot of your money but do they get a lot of your time and attention? At a subconscious level do you try to buy their love? A happy family Christmas is not about piles of presents. Your daughter is doing well and that's great but she's only 12 - she might also struggle during her teenage years and will your husband walk away from her too/just throw money at the problem?

littlebilliie · 01/12/2025 09:00

I would treat them the same at Christmas, though be now setting expectations on behaviour and attitude.

cut the extras, set goals for school work and control the phone on social media

Original poster
Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 01/12/2025 09:03

We are at the point where he will just walk out of the house when we aren't looking. He turned his tracker off so I have no idea where he is.
His group of friends are absolutely lovely and we have known them and their families since they were 5 years old. They are all well off and get spoilt rotten. They get brought new expensive things on a weekly basis , go to town shopping for new trainers, clothes that cost hundreds of pounds. Thousands of pounds spent on sporting equipment. When one has it the rest of them then all get them . Son obviously feels pressure to want the same and to fit in. But we will not buy him these things for no reason. A large purchase he would have to wait for Xmas whereas they just get it.
We paid 2k for a bike for him that was the same as his friends as he said they were laughing at him . Since he's had the bike he has damaged it multiple times which has cost hundreds to fix. He throws it down on the floor, its filthy, he doesnt lock it away properly. We worked so hard to get him that bike and he begged us for it for so long and then just treats everything with so little respect, doesn't appreciate anything .

OP posts:
teaandtoastwouldbenice · 01/12/2025 09:05

Giving up on him is one thing but it isn’t going to change anything for you or for him.

It’s quite sad this idea of this very privileged boy having absolutely no connection to his family, with no obvious cause for the tension. Who is he closest to? Who is meeting his emotional needs? His friends?

Connect before you correct and all that..he sounds angry and hurt. Don’t let him make constant demands but listen to what he is saying - he’s being very vocal about it all and he needs to know he’s heard. If the only ‘thing’ he gets from his parents is money that’s what he’ll ask for, expect and see as a measure of love.

I think you need to really listen to him and don’t offer any solution or decisions just time to hear him out.

Original poster
Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 01/12/2025 09:06

He has discussed us with his friends and according to him they all think we dont get him enough stuff, we are too strict.
They really dont help the situation at all. We both come from working class backgrounds , and have worked hard to provide the kids eith a good life but seems like its backfired.
We have always put all of our time and attention on them. I think thats why he has such a high opinion of himself

OP posts:
Lemonysnickety · 01/12/2025 09:08

What was he like before this began. Does he have the capacity to care and show empathy or has that always been deficit? There are some very difficult traits the need for control (often associated with underlying anxiety can be sensory or environmental) entitlement usually due to lack of clear boundaries around what is appropriate to get at each stage.

Gall10 · 01/12/2025 09:09

Alpacajigsaw · 01/12/2025 08:27

Well the first thing is to stop all the money, lifts, clothes etc.

Correct!

AnticsRoadshow · 01/12/2025 09:11

Just stop the spending on him. He will then have to alter his behaviour

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 01/12/2025 09:12

For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations

This sounds anxiety based. Has he been assessed for ND?

Original poster
Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 01/12/2025 09:14

He has been seen by cahms multiple times referred by us and his school. They do nothing to help. He doesnt meet criteria for any diagnosis. They say he is anxious and hes had therapy for that 3 times. Nothing changes he just gets worse and worse.
We are back at cahms on 11th December.

I also work very closely with his school and head of year. I am very supportive of them and keep communication open.
Many many people have tried to help him speak to him, try to understand, and he gives nothing away. Other than being very angry but no idea why. He has had everything he could ever want, a loving family and extended family, great friends, goes to an amazing school, nothing is ever good enough for him

OP posts:
Deadringer · 01/12/2025 09:16

Well he is a spoilt brat. The only way you can fix this is to stop spoiling him, and yes its going to be really hard, there will be tears and tantrums and threats but you have to step up. As a pp said, instead of giving him pocket money, he needs to earn it. Same with lifts or whatever else he wants. You and your dh need to decide what you want your son to do around the house and stick to it. What his friends say or think is absolutely irrelevant, you and your dh are the parents here. Of course he doesn't give a shit about the 2k bike, he didn't earn it.

BlondeBonBon · 01/12/2025 09:16

All behaviour is communication so what’s he trying to tell you? He’s clearly very unhappy and this could stem from school, being the less favoured child or his mates material lifestyle.

personally I’d get him some counselling to help him explore his feelings, help him get a part time job to help him learn the value of money and be an asset to a team, build confidence. It sounds like an apprenticeship would be a good next step.

Rather than love bombing aim to build a bond with him where he feels loved, treasured, respected. That doesn’t need to involve any material possessions, it’s just a way of being.

whattheysay · 01/12/2025 09:19

Lemonysnickety · 01/12/2025 09:08

What was he like before this began. Does he have the capacity to care and show empathy or has that always been deficit? There are some very difficult traits the need for control (often associated with underlying anxiety can be sensory or environmental) entitlement usually due to lack of clear boundaries around what is appropriate to get at each stage.

I’d be interested to know if he was always like this as it sounds like something more is going on than just spoiled. Tbh if one of mine behaved like this I’d be thinking they had a personality disorder (maybe cluster b)

Timeforabitofpeace · 01/12/2025 09:20

No OP, it’s you that’s the issue, because you have enabled him. You need to stop with the money and excessive gifts and get him to respect you. Don’t pay a penny on pocket money or phone unless he knows he has to talk to people with respect.

BlondeBonBon · 01/12/2025 09:21

Also does he have any SEN, dyslexia, ADHD. Sometimes boys use poor behaviour to distract from struggling with school work.

Aluna · 01/12/2025 09:21

If it were me I’d send him to a state boarding school. He says he wants to leave home so he can. Now.

FlyingUnicornWings · 01/12/2025 09:21

Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 01/12/2025 08:40

That's what has made the situation worse, by us stopping everything.
He was being very rude to us about washing his clothes because they werent done on time so husband told him from now on he can do his own washing to ensure its done etc. This makes us the worse parents in the world and he accuses us of neglect!! He has even threatened to tell school we are neglecting him. All because we asked him to wash his own clothes. He says thats our job as parents . His attitude towards us is just disgusting and disrespectful

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it is your job to wash his clothes.

It isn’t, however, your job to do it on demand. It’s also not ok for him to confront, moan, bitch about them not being done on his time scale.

Instead of refusing, when he’s calm (as in not in a raging mood - which might be tricky as it sounds like he’s that way most of the time), talk to him about the load of keeping a house running. Go through a list of all the things that need to be done daily, and the mental load involved in that. He won’t know this stuff. He won’t know how to keep on top of laundry, of waiting for one load to dry before you can hang out a new lot. Teach him how to do the laundry himself.

Then I would tell him he can wait for his laundry. If he wants it sooner, he can do it himself and he can get a laundry airer in his room to dry it.

I know this is just one example, and trust me I understand you probably want to throttle him on a daily basis. Teens need connection and boundaries. On that note, stop spending so much money on him, too…

BunnyLake · 01/12/2025 09:22

Timeforabitofpeace · 01/12/2025 09:20

No OP, it’s you that’s the issue, because you have enabled him. You need to stop with the money and excessive gifts and get him to respect you. Don’t pay a penny on pocket money or phone unless he knows he has to talk to people with respect.

How do you stop paying a phone without contractual consequences?

Aluna · 01/12/2025 09:23

FlyingUnicornWings · 01/12/2025 09:21

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it is your job to wash his clothes.

It isn’t, however, your job to do it on demand. It’s also not ok for him to confront, moan, bitch about them not being done on his time scale.

Instead of refusing, when he’s calm (as in not in a raging mood - which might be tricky as it sounds like he’s that way most of the time), talk to him about the load of keeping a house running. Go through a list of all the things that need to be done daily, and the mental load involved in that. He won’t know this stuff. He won’t know how to keep on top of laundry, of waiting for one load to dry before you can hang out a new lot. Teach him how to do the laundry himself.

Then I would tell him he can wait for his laundry. If he wants it sooner, he can do it himself and he can get a laundry airer in his room to dry it.

I know this is just one example, and trust me I understand you probably want to throttle him on a daily basis. Teens need connection and boundaries. On that note, stop spending so much money on him, too…

Show quote history

He’s 15 years old he can wash his own clothes. He complained about the way his mother did it, so if he doesn’t like it he can do it himself.

FlyingUnicornWings · 01/12/2025 09:25

Bungle2168 · 01/12/2025 08:41

Maslow

Look up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You (over) provided for his material needs, but what about other aspects of his development?

This should be an auto-response on all threads like this, of parents struggling with their kids.

Retireornot · 01/12/2025 09:25

How come all his friends are well off - is it the case of him being at a fee-paying school and he feels he has to keep up appearances of wealth?

justgottadoit · 01/12/2025 09:25

I’m sorry, but he sounds a spoilt, entitled brat. And is behaving like one.

No child needs £1k of presents and a £2k bike. All because his friends have £2k bikes - that is extraordinary. You’ve lost the plot.

And I think that might be the source of the problem. You give in to him every time he demands something. Just back off him, don’t do all the enablement (e.g. scurrying after him washing clothes, making extra meals specifically for him if he’s not there at mealtimes, taxi-ing him etc), don’t enter into arguments about it and let him sort his own life out. He’ll soon learn.