My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

Pretty soon this young person may be moving away. Ir is your duty to foster lifeskills such as how to wash clothes.
I'm sorry, it's going to be hard to regain some control and equilibrium in the household but I think it can be done.

This can cause complications. My adult DC too, quite a complex diagnosis. However, if they are to be functional adults, they have to learn to cope with real life. And let's face it, you're not asking them to go down to the river to beat their clothes on the rocks. Throw in the clothes. Add a detergent pod. Turn the dial to 5. That's it.

I've been there with the hate. To the point where as a young adult, I honestly thought DC might go no-contact with us. You have to trust that underneath there is love.

expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week. Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly

Stop all of this. Change his phone to a very basic PAYG sim. He’s not going to change if he knows you’ll reward him for bad behaviour. Also return some of the presents. He doesn’t deserve £1k. He’s going to get worse if you don’t step in.

Out of interest is he summer born and youngest of his peers? Just wondering if he has low self esteem and is actually angry / upset? Just a thought .

" i couldn't imaging coming downstairs on Xmas morning where she has a massive pile of presents and he has nothing. "

If you and DH told him today that unless he changes his ways he will get very little on Christmas morning then if he's his horrible self between then and now he'll know exactly what's coming and that he deserved it.

At the moment you are just rewarding his bad behaviour.

Two things. One. The obvious question. Is there neurodivergence going on? Two. Would he be able and interested in joining a drama club? I was just wondering if he could channel all his frustration and rage onto acting. Ive seen stuff on TV about men who were troublesome as teenagers going to drama classes and saying it's the best thing they ever did. ?????

So all his hobbies are with his friends - are there any hobbies that he does with his father, or you? Or that you enjoy as a family together?

The 'keeping up with the Jones's' and their hobbies and activities sounds draining and frankly, ridiculous. I think his respect and admiration is misplaced; it is focused on his friendship group (which is normal at that age but he should also, by now, have solid roots of respect and love for his family).

Personally, I would never have entered into the competition. If we can't have it, then we do without (or go to Facebook Marketplace!). Weekly demands for clothes, items, haircuts every week is ridiculous. Far too much money spent on a bicycle.

He has no respect for his family because he does not view you as positive role models; you are just 'Bank of Mum & Dad.' Perhaps he has seen this dynamic within some of his friend group and thinks it's normal.

At this point, I would disengage and then start to think about small ways you can begin to actually have a relationship and a friendship with him. Stop all the drama and the rows in the house. Stop buying him stuff that you know will not be looked after and will ultimately lead to a blow up. Find ways to attract his attention positively so that he begins to respect and look up to you both.

If he does not have a shared hobby with his dad, that would be a very good start. I would stop asking him to do chores. Just leave him be; be breezy around him. Let is all settle down and start to think about how you can build a relationship him based on love, trust and respect.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Please don't blame yourselves - It's not your fault (your DD is evidence of that).
A couple of my family members have a son like this - an utterly self-centred Mr Angry - with no clear reason for it. He's now early forties, but still thinks nothing of coming to them with his hand out, often just after he's screamed abuse at them. They've paid off his debts (£1,000s) on more than one occasion over the years as he's feckless with money, and gifted him money at other times e.g. helping with his house renovation costs. They've been fantastic grand-parents to his children and see more of the older two than he does. After his latest "performance" (I'll spare you the details) they've finally had enough - they're so disgusted with him and can't figure out where they went wrong (typically for parents they blame themselves, but I've pointed out to them, he's an adult and capable of making sensible, decent choices). They've already changed their Wills and are now thinking about changing their LPAs because he's their only appointed attorney and they simply can't trust him not to bleed them dry if he were to have unfettered access to their finances.
I'm so glad you didn't end your marriage due to your son's behaviour as that would have been catastrophic for your DD (and for you and your DH!). It's also great to hear that you and your DH are now on the same page with how to deal with your son as best you can. However, let's be clear and call this what it is: domestic abuse. Many people won't want to accept this because your son is 15, but in three years' time he'll be an adult and will be treated like one if he continues this behaviour in your home. He may mature and change in time, but my family members' experience is that this is not guaranteed, so I hope that if your son doesn't change, you show him the door at 18 - everyone has to learn that actions have consequences.
Good luck OP - I have no advice, but you have my heart-felt sympathy.

I think there is some confusion over neuro diversities like ADHD/ASD on this thread. Some people seem to think they're just being used as an excuse for poor behaviour or not coping with life by anyone who has any issues, whereas actually they are quite specific neurological conditions.

I am no expert but this is what I understand. People with these conditions have hormonal, structural and connectivity divergences within their brains that mean that they process information in a different way to NT people. In essence, they experience the world differently, often in a manner which causes extreme stress, and they experience external stimuli differently.

Take ADHD, for example. Neural pathways within the brain don't work as effectively as in NT people, which leads to problems with focus, executive function and emotional regulation. It's not an 'excuse' to say that someone has ADHD, it's a reason why behaviour which others find easy is much harder for them. And there are 'fixes' for it - not always effective and have their own side effects, but things which can make it easier to meet societal standards of behaviour and achievement and stop spiralling dysfunction and self-esteem issues.

No, you don’t have to provide all the new stuff for the new hobbies. You say “sorry son, we don’t have the money, if you want it you’ll have to get a job and fund it yourself”. Then repeat as needed.

His friends sound a bit mean. Is it all a bit of a goldfish bowl...the village, the clique of friends, the group opinion mattering excessively to him. His stress levels may go down if you can separate him from them more? Both physically and on phone. Tell him that in a few years, he will be somewhere else, with a different life. Give him a truer perspective.

Being a summer born is only a slight disadvantage until around Year 3. Won’t make a difference in Year 10/11.

You need to stop. Your son is ruling the roost, he's dictating everything in the house. Set boundaries, stick to them. Cut back on bending over backwards just because he managed a thanks. Stop the love bombing. He doesn't respect you for it, in fact he's clearly showing contempt.

This thread has given me a kick up the arse to get my kids in the habit of helping around the house before they hit their teen years.

I don’t mean to victim blame or to stress out OP, but you might be onto something here.

Did the OP, by any chance return to work when her DS was still a baby old and put him into daycare full time? Especially since she and her husband had to work very hard to pay for the lovely big house.

If so, that would explain his disconnection from his parents. It would have interrupted his attachment to them. Nursery would have been an overstimulating and stressful environment. Boys’ brains are more immature and it would have affected his cortisol levels more than his sister’s.

And if the parents are working very hard still, they would not have much time for their son outside of work, which is why he is attached to his peers.

Erica Komisar says that the most important years of a child’s life are 0-3 and adolescence when parents have to be as present as possible.

I can only see 2 possible solutions:

Get therapy as a family and talk things out. This way, you can probably communicate your feelings better and DS can empathise better. Do this if you want to maintain a relationship with DS.

Send him to boarding school so that ge can spend all his time with his peers but still learn good boundaries. This is probably the quickest way to solve your problem but he will truly feel abandoned.

When an infant’s emotional needs are not met by their parents in their first 3 years of life- eg due to working a lot and putting them into a stranger’s care then children learn that their feelings don’t matter and from their pov their parents go off and fulfil their own selfish needs so the child learns to become selfish and becomes an individual far too soon. This leads to the development of narcissistic tendencies.

Sorry OP if I’m completely wrong in your case. I’m just thinking out loud.

Boarding school isn't the answer. That's just paying someone else to set boundaries and won't improve the home environment or problems.

A THOUSAND quid on Xmas presents for each child? Honestly, that's over-excessive in the extreme - NO child should be coming down to a "massive pile of presents". You've effectively taught your son (and you're teaching your daughter similarly, nice as she is right now) the value of nothing. Why would he value the £2K bike when everything comes so easily to him?

You say your family member demands money from his parents and they give it to him. That is overindulgence to an insane level.

Parents have to take responsibility for how they've raised their children. If you give them whatever they want and never expect them to help out at home, then you can't be surprised that when they're older they continue those patterns.

A five year old can help set the table, help their parent sort the washing, help their parent cook in a fun, easy way. It builds their confidence, understanding of the world, and lets them feel like a valued part of the family unit.

Parents shouldn't be waiting until the child is 15 and then suddenly expecting them to step up and be responsible. They also shouldn't be rewarding bad behaviour with 2000 pound bikes or lavish Xmas gifts.

" i couldn't imaging coming downstairs on Xmas morning where she has a massive pile of presents and he has nothing. "

How about a middle way & neither has nothing or a massive pile?

^ This. Wtf are you spending so much on him at Christmas? Why can't you say no?

I’m sorry but he sounds completely spoilt.
He needs a reality check, something to humble him.
Has he ever seen any of the world? I’m not suggesting taking him on holiday, but does he realise how good he’s got it? It doesn’t sounds like it.

Habit. They've seriously indulged him and it's very hard to back track.

Did anything happen in the family/his life when he changed? I’d be looking there for answers, it might be subtle. What’s he watching online?

GiffGaff!!

Teenagers are notoriously tricky and very sensitive little flowers in a hormonal, grumpy, sometimes obnoxious exterior. They fly off the handle at little slights. Loving them through it is hard work. You do have to love him through it. You are the adults. Look for the good in him.

They are going through a brain rewire with surging hormones and not the maturity to deal with it. It helps you to remember this and have compassion for them and pick your battles. Let some things go. They can't read emotions and often see anger instead of fear or other emotions and get very defensive. (Think your worst PMT or menopause) I tell mine when I am feeling grumpy about something that's nothing to do with them so they know it's not their fault. We are going through puberty and menopause together which is fun!

I would use phrases such as "How do you think X feels when you..."

They really can not see the problem with what they do. They seem to lose perspective and really don't understand that people have different opinions. (Observed other teens and parents and teachers and kids as I have done my fair share of hanging about outside school gates for various reasons) Ask them questions to get them to think it through. Seems to be the most effective way I have found.

They are still a child while trying to assert their independence. A mixture. It's tricky for them and you.

Praise the good. Find anything good he does and praise it. It really helps. Communicate through text. Send him links he might like. Tell him you love him and are proud of him.

Yes to he can do his own washing if he complains but help him with it. Natural consequences.

If you help with this I will have more time to ... (Help.him)

Ask him to help you do stuff, alongside you or h.

Talk to him in the car. Tell him you know it is hard being a teenager but that it is important not to....but you are confident that he has the ability to try to not to .... Praise him when he tries.

It will get better in a year or two. He sounds like he is in peak teen. (Just in time for dd to start!)

He is trying to avoid conflict by going out. That is a positive.

In a couple of years he may be the nice one and your dd the terror!

We negotiate spending. If you want this you can't have that. You get expensive trainers for birthdays/Christmas.(I only count the extra cost of them to what I would normally pay) Phones are for Christmas/birthday. Again the extra cost to what you would pay for a adequate phone is the budget.

Another aside. Mine has been "controlling" (IE managing their disability) since a small child and is autistic. If there are any sensory issues/social communication difficulties that and ADHD might be worth a think about. He might just be bog standard obstreperous teen though. Difficult to pick it apart during toddler and teen years.

What works for mine might not work for your's as they are all different.