My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

But what do you do you actually do with basket 3?

How does the OP actually stop her son doing the things in basket 3?

Good question. For starters once you stop bringing up every tiny infraction, you immediately have a calmer environment. You learn how to deescalate and notice what you do to escalate and try to avoid it. You learn repair techniques after a big incident. You make your expectations clear and you stay calm when they are infringed and the idea is they feel so supported, they stop the behaviour. And it works.

It's a 12 week course mind you - I can't explain it all here of course. But anyway, it is about increasing your parental presence at the heart of it.

But you're not right to say you can't love someone behaving unreasonably. Of course you can! I have to assume you don't have children? As I've never heard a mother talk about having conditional love for her children.

Mother love is visceral.

It never , ever leaves you if you have had this type of upbringing.

I do think OP and her partner and doing their best and the son has to accept some responsibility. A generation ago , he could have been in the workplace by now, not demanding a selection of aftershave.

Whatever you are doing doesn’t seem to be working. I wonder if there is some sort of undiagnosed SEN there and he has been masking trying to fit in for years and now cannot do it anymore. Look up PDA (pervasive drive for autonomy) or ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). The comment you make on him wanting to control everything is exactly the thing his nervous system demands of him to feel safe if he is PDA. Being calm is important and you say you have tried this as escalating into arguments doesn’t work. I think you have to keep trying but allow him some element of control. So you could say you really want him to come out for a meal with them but it is up to him. Say he can have his pocket money after his basic chores are done but he says when he will do them and make sure this also applies to your DD. Check out low demand parenting and see if life becomes calmer. Pick your battles.

Teens can be difficult and he may well grow out of it so try not to burn your bridges with him completely. I would keep paying the phone and doing the stuff you do for your DD like clothes washing etc but dial back on expensive stuff even if his so called friends also get it. It cannot be easy knowing his Dad hates him and that your DD is the favoured child so try and see from his point of view even if it is his actions which have caused the disconnect between you all.

That explains a lot. You both need to be on the same page. As you say your husband is an adult but seems to be locking horns with his teenage son to keep control. This won’t work. Good you had the conversation with your son but your husband needs to engage too. So part of the conflicts you have are down to your husband.

I think so too :(

Fucking absolutely this!!
Parent to child love should be unconditional with very few exceptions (seriously heinous actions).

I tell my DC that I will never withhold love and no matter what, I will always hug them when they want it.
Even when they have totally sent me to the edge.... I'm still hugging them because they need to feel my love.

OP, you have a husband problem. Not a DS problem.
If your DH isn't going to change how he interacts with his son then I'd look to kick him out.
How he is treating him is disgusting.
Yes your DS has a shit attitude but he's a youngster who has to learn and is learning hostility from his own parent.
Your DH is a grown man.
You've had the chat with DS. Work on the communication with him to keep him present and as respectful as he can be and of course, don't buy home things if he's rude/won't do chores etc

A few things stand out:

He was no trouble until the teenage years - you were lucky lol he's now trying to separate
The comparison with daughter - chalk and cheese - Dodgy ground - golden child Vs nightmare child - difficult one
The whole family is miserable because of him - issues with separation - you are not him, he is not you, need to separate out your happiness being dependent on his

Read Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town

The only thing you have control over is changing your approach

💐

evere nervous breakdown

Do you think he might have ADHD /PDA? There’s an element of ADHD where the constant craving for dopamine can be met by provoking others.

I think you're forgetting what OP said at first that he was always overbearing even as a small kid.

I am hearing you that DS is making your lives a living hell. I really think at the same time that there could be something like the jealousy of a new sister when you are 3, might come in somehow. You say they were great mates before but he wasn't at the flooding hormones age then. It sounds to me that you have reached the stage where some outside counselling might be needed. That will also show him that you see all this as a family thing, not just him being in the wrong. If he is getting on report often, unless he has learning difficulties then I'm surprised the school haven't talked about counselling. I sounds as though he has become allergic to home and there must be an underlying cause, just try and find it ! Good luck, don't do washing!

Exactly you can love your child and you can dislike their behaviour at the same time. Separate your love from their behaviour. Then if they are behaving badly- try and understand why they are doing that and what they are communicating - is he experimenting with being an adult and independent, but retreating to safety of being a child. Is he finding puberty difficult- mental changes as well as physical changes. It’s tricky as the foundations are laid in childhood and now he listens to his friends more. Maybe you should do the course the PP recommended if it’s available

And??

Both you and your husband need to grow a pair.

Stop the money. Let him report abuse to anyone who will listen.

What are you afraid of?

Try to spend time with him alone, both in and out of the house.
Tell him you love him but dont love the bahaviour. Sounds like he feels lost and unloved. Anger comes from hurt. What is he hurt about....children learn early that negative behaviour gets attention.
Worked with behaviour management n teens. Try to catch him being good. Praise calm, smile, sensible moments. Its hard but it will sink in. Both parents not being goaded by bad behaviour .he will test it. Try it for two weeks praise and affectionate moments. Gradually he will like that. Wont show it for a couple of weeks. Please dont give up. Its been sooo hard for you but his hurt (partially brought on by his own behaviour repelling people) goes deep.separate behaviour from your love. Tag team parenting so you can recover. Day out with him, day out with other child. Separate his behaviour from him. Get book assertive discipline by leon (?) Cantor. Try broken record technique. Repeat calmly requests and try not to rise to anger x good luck.

@Wherehaveigonewrong29384 how is everything going now?