My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

I keep seeing you’ve said you ‘love bomb’ him, that’s something abusers do initially with their victims so think you’ve got the wrong phrase there. Also don’t ’love bomb’ him by buying him things you can’t buy good behaviour and love. Teenagers need their parents as much as toddlers do, tune into his behaviour when he’s acting like this as he needs love then more than when he’s not acting like that. Have you considered private therapy? Sounds like something is going on.

but I really don’t know my kids are 5 and 3 and I’m already dreading teenage years 😅

Blimey, all the posters calling for OP to split up with her DH. To me he just sounds like an exhausted and exasperated parent, I'm sure many of us have been there. I love my children more than anything in the world and would do anything for them but there are days when I'm sick and tired of parenting.

The punishments and consequences are all very well and probably work on some DCs. However on your DC, they’re not working.

if your relationship has deteriorated then you need to rebuild it. So forget the punishments, the consequences, ignore the bad behaviour and the back chat.

For example, how about if you suggest a walk? What I used to do with DS1 who was shockingly awful at times was to go for a walk with an aim in mind. For example, to get a Costa or to the garage for chocolate. There was no pressure to talk, we often both listened to music. But we made a habit of it. Sometimes you just have to break the negative spiral. This is your little boy and there’s a decent adult in there trying to get out.

Incidentally, when you do a family wash, are you washing your clothes, your DH’s clothes and your DD’s clothes and purposely disregarding his? I actually think that’s quite divisive and harsh. No wonder it pisses him off. Encourage him to help, yes but there’s ways and means here.

He sounds like an utter moron

How? Does he work? Somebody must be funding those haircuts.

Even if you can't, it is foolish to tell someone like the OP's son that they will be loved unconditionally as you will have the problems that she is experiencing.

Actually thats exactly what they need.
Jees some people.

Good advice here

I have read most of your replies & I can empathise with your family dynamics. My son, who is now an adult and working, was very similar during his school time but when he went to college he matured. My son also struggled with anxiety and no matter what we did to help, he was horrid to live with! We don’t live with his dad but he wasn’t much help anyway. All I can suggest is keep showing him you love him but put boundaries in that are achievable for you all & not too many at one time. He is lost and trying to find himself but knowing your love is unconditional will get you all through this. I had to attend various Parenting classes to get help from CAMHS but one phrase I have kept in my head is “strike whilst the iron’s cold” meaning address issues when you’re both calm. It works as they listen & you can explain how it affects you & the family when they’ve calmed down. Also, once you’ve addressed the issue, don’t bring it up again, just return to being normal & if you’re consistent they realise that acting out won’t get them anywhere. It takes time to adjust but despite all the arguments, disrespect etc I had with my son, he now tells me I’m the best mum & thanks me for always showing up no matter what was going on in either of our lives. Our house is now a fun & happy house, he gets himself up for work every day at 4.30am, pays his bills on time and enjoys life. He still has anxiety but manages it so much better and openly tells us when he is struggling plus our close bond is back & he tells me lots again. He openly admits that when he was bragging that he was better than others etc it was because he didn’t believe in himself so was trying to make himself feel better but as he now know realises it was at the detriment to everyone else.
Keep working with the school, I used to listen to them and listen to him, he knew my rule, if you tell me the truth - even if he’s in the wrong then I’d help him to fix it but the one time I knew he was lying I wouldn’t tell him I believed him and didn’t help him as I normally would. After that he told me the truth every time. He needs to know that you have his back & believe in him, even when he’s being the teen from hell!!
With the tracking, tell him you won’t check up on him (although I did but didn’t tell him) but by having it means that if anything ever happened to him you’d know his last location to get help. This worked but he would only let me have it, not his Dad or Step Dad. We still have it now as he’s always off driving places.
Stay strong & keep showing him love, he will come out the other side!!
ps sorry for the long essay, I actually found it cathartic

Yes, right! It is working really well, as the OP will justify.

I have seen the same slow car crash with my step-son bc of unconditional love and believe me it does not get any better.

Most children are fine, but when you have someone like the OP's son or my stepson, you are asking for trouble as they will take advantage bc it is in their nature. There is nothing anyone can do about it, it is their personality.

I think maybe you should seek some help about the negative hostile attitude you have towards your stepson. Does your husband know how much you dislike him?
You really shouldn't project your own inadequacy parenting issues into other people. Its not healthy.

And believe me it does get better when you love them unconditionally. I have a daughter to prove it. Because unlike you, I never withdrew love. And I never would.

What was Dh’s relationship with his own dad like? I’d bet it wasn’t the best.

Well, you were lucky. Not everyone will be.

Yes, he does too bc of the monster his ex has created due to her unconditional love.

If one parent keeps going on about unconditional love, the other parent cannot discipline the child as it has no effect.

The child suffers in the end and often starts drinking or doing drugs, or stealing or worse bc they know that they can get away with anything and so they will.

Jesus you haven't a clue what you are talking about. Stop.

Nothing to do with luck.
Proven psychology.

I think some posters are mistaking unconditional love with indulgence.

Neither do you. You stop telling people that unconditional love is a good idea when it certainly isn't and it creates monsters.

So many posters on here do everything for their kids and get absolute disdain in return from their kids bc of unconditional love.

If it worked, why are there so many posts on here about uncontrollable kids?

That isn’t conditional love though. It doesn’t mean giving in.

It means knowing that you always love them and have their back however bad they are. And acknowledging the problems but still telling them you love them. And having boundaries but built on love. It doesn’t mean letting them do whatever they want.

Its not about disliking your stepson.

But it does mean giving in as what else can the OP do if they have told their son that she will always love him no matter how bad he is?

What sanction does she possibly have?

What exactly should she do to make him behave? Please let me (and the OP) know what she should do? You said that she should stop him? How exactly?

You do not withdraw love. You just dont.
You can dislike the behaviour and you can even dislike the child.
You do NOT withdraw love. That is into abusive territory. It just is.

NVR is one of the best programmes out there, its used all over the world with parents in the hardest of situations.
Lession 7 outlined below.

Session 7 Acts of Reconciliation These are small, unconditional gestures that show love is not withdrawn, even when behaviours must stop. Backed by your network, this clear boundary marks a turning point in your journey.

You are simply incorrect.

I give up🤷🏼‍♀️

Its just basic Pyschology. You always love them. But you can dislike them. It’s the basic grounding of parental love.

How can a child go confidently into the world knowing that a parent can pull their love anytime? It’s just mindblowing.

Were you brought up in a house where love was withheld if you didn't behave? I was. My mum ruled with a huge degree of strictness. We had to chat every morsel on our plates for example and I would sit for hours trying to eat the food. She would sulk for days at the slightest thing. Neither my brother nor I dared infringe her rules (my dad worked away at sea for months on end and left her to it).

We may have behaved but it came at a high cost imo. We had a very shallow relationship with her, which continued into adulthood.

I then adopted two traumatised children whose behaviour would make you weep. I genuinely don't know how anyone who withhold love for behaviour would cope.

Luckily I wasnt like my mum and I was able to separate out the behaviour management from the love.

This is the biggest lesson adopting has taught me.

I adopted children who weren't academic (both have a lot of additional needs), who both have adhd and autism, who lost their family so what do they care what consequences I impose on them?

This is where you learn that a lot of what you demand/expect as a parent is actually irrelevant and trivial. What does matter is your relationship and health and love.

It doesn't mean you let everything go - but you let a lot go.

It is perfectly possible to live with teens who aren't operating at your standards, who need a bit more help than most.

And some of us are trying to explain this on this thread.

It is really difficult to implement if your own parents expected something back from you, even winning at sports or being popular - and got cross with you if you failed to live up to what they wanted.

But your childhood experience was extreme. No-one is saying that the OP should do that.

No parent should only love you if you win at sports, that is ridiculous and I am not saying that.

But kids need to behave reasonably and if they don't then the parents need to ensure that they know that they cannot love someone who is behaving unreasonably. It is too late for the OP as she has already started the unconditional love crap.

Also, you haven't said what the OP should do. She has tried unconditional love, but it hasn't worked and has made things worse.

So what on earth should she do?

I did say. I said that you drop lots of unnecessary stuff and focus on your relationship.

I have done miracles here with my daughters. And it wasn't by getting stricter.

One of the courses I did was NVR, where you put all the behaviours you don't like into three baskets. We all had to list the behaviours we wanted to change. One person on the course came up with 98! Most were trivial of course. All the trivial stuff goes into the first basket, which you park for now and consider how important some of it really is. Then the second basket is for the bigger stuff which isn't trivial but you still park it to deal with later . You put the main issue into basket 3 and that's what you work on.

I was dealing with a heck of a lot more than the OP and I managed it without withholding anything.