Underage Nan seeking advice

[thatgirlwhocakes222]

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

She sounds like she's got her head screwed on and your approach sounds perfect. It's just a shock for you.

You don't have to train as a child minder, my lovely. You have done your child raising, now it's your daughter's turn. If she needs a child minder then she can look around at the local offer. Pull back a bit, let her do things her way. Congratulations on your new family member, it's time to just enjoy them.

I'm just really worried as now she's had to leave her job as it states in her contract if she is pregnant you can't be employed as it's a dangerous job with high risk residents so she is now unemployed as she left a week before finding out she was pregnant because of being attacked daily with furniture or sharp items ect and was genuinely scared and with her asd it made her anxiety horrendous. She's just gained employment in another position due to start and she has also contacted college to re sit her GCSEs next September which im over the moon about . Unfortunately she masked through high school so wasn't assessed or diagnosed until year 11 and only got hemp in the unit right before her exams and it was too late .

parenting never ever gets easier does it ! Every stage brings new worry . I just want to be the best Nan but I feel like I'll end up taking over because she will need support especially the emotional side . The baby will be immaculate ect but my daughter hates socialising ect and I've said the baby has to socialise it's paramount so I'll be there taking it to groups , playgroup ect as she will find all that difficult.

Sorry for waffling ! It's such a lot x Thankyou

You all sound lovely so I would just roll with it. Put in clear boundaries of what you will / won't do on a day to day basis, and make sure yoy are clear that while you will embrace the new arrival you and DH will still want to enjoy your independence and days out.

She is 18, you shouldn't have to parent her parenting but I can understand you wanting to support her. Recognise the difference between the two and remember the baby has both a Mum and Dad who sounds like they will love it too - so this time it shouldn't all fall to you.

All good wishes for a smooth pregnancy and keep us updated. It is exciting even if it is a shock!

OK, you have a lot of worries but this isn't your baby. Please try and take this one step at a time. How do you know you will be taking the baby to groups? Your daughter might want to do that. She should find out what she is entitled to. Why do you want to push her out to work? She might really resent you for that.

No one is underage in this scenario! You and your daughter were both young to have children but you were/are both young adults rather than minors.
If your daughter and her boyfriend are holding down steady jobs and being responsible about that then things are not so bleak if your daughter decides to continue with the pregnancy. She can take maternity leave then go back to work and put the baby in nursery or with a childminder.

Are we reading the same posts?

DD hates socialising, so the OP is ready as a backup to take the baby to groups. If the DD decides to do it herself in the end, great.

And the OP isn't forcing her of work, DD left based on her own safety concerns just before she would have to leave the job based on her contract.

I can understand your concerns. No one would ideally want this for their 18 year old but you sound switched on and supportive and your daughter sounds great so if anyone can do this and thrive its your DD.

Positive stories. My friend in high school got pregnant at 16. She was more sensible than me but not as sensible/responsible as your DD sounds. Everyone expected awful outcomes for her. Baby came along. She was made for motherhood. Everyone said "Its the making of her." Last I heard she's happily married, more children, her and DH run successful business and built their own beautiful house in the country. She has always had her mum in her corner.

Positive story 2. I work in a primary school. One of our ex pupils had a baby at I think 19. When their DD was starting reception some thought, as young parents, they might need extra support from the school. Nope. That young family are doing incredibly well. DC thriving and they are those engaged, level headed parents school staff love. Their age is considered unremarkable now and they are just seen as good parents, lovely family.

It will be tough and your support invaluable. I know my ND has led to more anxieties that I didn't have before having children but that's where you can help.

If she does find socialising hard maybe you could do a mums and tots group once a week. Babies don't need to go to loads of groups.

Having people around her and understand her ND and can anticipate when she's overwhelmed.

You sound like an amazing mum.

Exactly this.

Best wishes, OP.

i know that this is probably a shock to you.

you said that you want to travel and you wanted her to grab the world with both hands.

you haven’t said at any point what she wants.

is she still living with you? (You say both her and her boyfriend are still living at home but it’s not entirely clear).

i Got pregnant fairly young (21) and didn’t work until my twins were in school. She may not want you to childmind them.

do they have the ability to move out? They may be planning to set up their own home.

i know my pregnancy came as a massive shock to my mil who still had a 16 year old and felt she was not ready to be a nan.

Step back, OP. Babies don’t need socialising at all. Classes are for parents who are sick of being at home all the time. You certainly don’t need to ‘take over”, or lay down the law about socialising being ‘paramount’. Your daughter is the parent here. Be there as an emotional support, obviously, but don’t ’take over’. It would be actively bad for you both.

She isn't underage?

I only used the title in jest guys ! I'm 41 and feel like I'm underage hehe

I agree with this post, Op. If your DD and her BF are mature enough to have a baby, then they need to take responsibility for childcare etc. of course you can help but don't rush to take it all on. You sound like a fantastic mum.

Thankyou . I thought I was a woman of the world at 18 but she's still a very young 18 year old .
regardless I will be supporting . Yes I wouldn't have chosen this path for her so a part of me is a bit selfish like that and letting go a bit is going to be a process .
Thankyou all for listening .
all advice appreciated

Is it a shock? Yep. Is it ideal? Probably not.

Can she still travel and have a life? Yes.

Not the same but I had an unplanned baby at 21 - I run a successful business, bought my home. Got married had two more kids. Go on two holidays a year. It’s not a disaster Op.

why the hell did she leave her job?! If it was dangerous for her due to pregnancy they’d have had to suspend her on medical grounds on full pay if they couldn’t find alternative work. That was an incredibly stupid thing to do.

I know it sounds silly but I genuinely feel like I've let her down because I've not inspired her enough to want anything else in life than having a baby so young if that makes sense and I'm taking full responsibility of this . I just genuinely don't know where I went wrong . They've always had good schools , hobbies , encouraged to travel , to have aspirations. I have 3 jobs so always taught a good work ethic. Does this sound ridiculous? Is this my adhd negative voice getting to me . Is it wrong I feel a bit embarrassed with her being so young ?

I've literally felt all the emotions but my daughter only sees my positive side . X

But you were obviously a young mum and have done a good job and she’s seen that. She’ll be ok op.

Eighteen is not a child.

Well, of course you’ll be supporting, and you’re clearly a concerned, loving mother, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for either you or your daughter and her partner if you ‘take over’.

My 15 yo dd had some mh issues and attempted suicide twice. At 17 she announced she was pregnant..
She lives at home. Her bf is here half the week. I have minimum input except plenty of cuddles. She is frankly a bloody fab dm. She manages her own UC claim and the sleepless nights.

You absolutely haven’t let her down.

many women have babies late these days. It doesn’t mean having them early is a bad thing.

she can still travel. She can still have a life.

we travelled with our kids - they’ve been all round Europe. I never travelled as a kid - my family went on holiday to north wales each summer.

i’m now 48. My twins are young adults. I travel a lot.

there’s time op, and in many ways having babies early is easier on the body.

There are a lot of negatives there. But you sound like a supportive mum, nice family, you’ll just have to make the most of it.

One of things which is a shame is that you won’t really get to be a nan in the traditional sense. As you are still bringing up a young child of your own. And also presumably still working. The boundaries and roles in these situations are therefore a lot less defined.

A big plus, though, is potentially being around to see your grandchild grow up. My parents had me mid 30s, I had my kids mid 30s, and one sadly died two years ago and the other is in ill health. They would have loved to have been around and in good health to see my children grow up.

You just have to make the best of it, as I’m sure you will.

Gently, OP, those are your emotions to deal with. Therapy might help you pick through the self-blame and embarrassment. Your daughter’s choices are not your responsibility, and you should definitely not see this sense that this is your fault for not ‘inspiring her’ differently as a reason for seeing her child as your project to raise in order to mitigate your own disappointment and embarrassment. It would be actively damaging to her relationship with her child and to her development as an adult, and almost certainly to her relationship with you.