Underage Nan seeking advice

[thatgirlwhocakes222]

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

the week after she left she found out about the pregnancy

so her leaving this job had absolutely nothing to do with her pregnancy? So no relevance to current situation at all

Or the illegal contract which is a significant point in the OP

Yes
very odd to labour this point
when her daughter had jacked in this well paid job before finding out she was pregnant

Hi
Hi
just to make you aware as a childminder and apply for funded hours for covering cost, family members can not look after the child. It’s bonkers but it’s the government stipulation.
The child could come to you if registered as a childminder or not but your daughter would need to pay privately herself not funded.
Im a childminder and its something that is discussed in the childminder groups regularly as people can’t have their grandchildren etc.

It is mentioned in the same post which describes the previous job, leaving it and no pregnancy clause.

She's just gained employment in another position due to start and she has also contacted college to re sit her GCSEs next September which im over the moon about .

I'm as well confused by the part when she left it due to danger (ok), finding out about pregnancy a week later (ok). But I suppose it just isn't ideal situation to change job and go through probationary period pregnant, so that is enough for the OP to worry about.

Also yes I think I'll struggle with wanting to take over but that's not coming from a place of control .
as a mum of 4 Nuro kids and Nuro myself I've literally had to micromanage them emotionally for years . I think that's so hard wired in myself and I just dont her to struggle and then feel like she can't do it . I know all this will only come with time .
The more her and her boyfriend are taking responsibility for things is making me more relaxed and I probably should take a step back . I'm just scared ! But want the best for everyone.
we will manage, my husband and I are here to support whatever . It will definitely be a journey .
Thankyou for all your kind words

My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics!

I don’t understand why you have done this? It’s your adult DD and her bf to work this out. They will have to move in together and work out how to fund their life.

I always told my DD that if she gets pregnant as a teen and wants to keep the baby I will respect her decision but I will not financially support her and the baby or do childcare.

Given DD is 18 I don’t see why you would be involved in this in any way. Spectrum or not if she is able to have child she should be able to look after them herself.

But the daughter had jacked in the job before even finding out pregnant

and yet half the OP’s OP is about the unfair contract and the daughter needing leave because high risk!

Are you going to do the child minding for free?
Just because a thought if you are related they can't claim the free hours if a family member is the childminder (even if they are registeted childminder)

Just because you want a different life for her. This is the life she has chosen for herself. And whilst you have felt having a child is a challenge (and it is at any age let's be honest) having a child doesn't stop you living. You just live it differently

I have no advice but just wanted to to say sound like a beautiful mother and you’re reaction has been perfect! You’ve obviously brought your daughter up extremely well with her values and it sounds like you’ve given her everything she needs to flourish at motherhood even at such a young age x

I totally agree that the timeline about leaving the previous job is confusing.

I was just commenting on your shes already got another job? Why didn’t you mention in op!
That in fact it was mentioned in the same posts where the previous job was explained. (OP's second post here).

You sounds like a lovely, supportive mum. But I wonder if she’s getting mixed messages from you? You’re gutted for her, and I get that. But what she’s hearing is: you’ll give up your new freedoms to look after the baby; they can keep living with you to save money; you’ll do the bits of parenting she’ll find difficult.

I understand that you don’t want to pressure her decision, but she’s not having to think about how hard it will all be because you’re solving all the problems for her.

I’d be really concerned about her employment prospects, if she can’t work in the only job she’s ever done and isn’t qualified for anything else. Being reliant on a partner she has never lived with, once the stress of a baby is added to the mix, is a big call. She won’t want to hear it, but the likelihood is she’ll be an unemployed single mum before she’s 21. I don’t imply judgement there, just noting how very hard that will be.

She sounds like a lovely mature woman who knows what she wants from life.

You don't have to bare any responsibility either if you don't want to, it's her and her boyfriends situation.

A baby doesn't end everything, it makes the world a much more amazing place.

Ok

Her mother would have to charge her for childcare first. I doubt many grandparents do that. I certainly don't.

How were you a mum at 19 if you have a 24 year old?

Does your area have the family nurse partnership? Ask her midwife about it to see.

I’ve worked in those jobs and understand.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned, but they won’t be better off financially with you as a childminder because you won’t be able to take their funded (“free”) hours, whereas another childminder would. And if you were going to look after the baby for free then you wouldn’t need to be a childminder anyway.

You would also need to investigate your rental agreement in a council house, childminding is classed as running a business from home

Hey 👋 i got pregnant at 18 (accident) and mum was 38, was awful time (partner turned abusive- police and solicitors were involved) so i ended up single mum before i even had baby, fast forward 15 years and mum has never needed to support me, has only ever had to babysit my children when i have gone into hospital to have my other children, and has told me on several occasions that i am a great mum and how proud she is of me, young mum doesn’t always mean incompetent xx

Because she is her daughter and 18, so wants to support her and help her?

If you are 41 and your eldest is 24, you must have been a mum before 19, as you stated?

You don’t need to do this at all!

once the baby is 9months there is 30 hours childcare to help with fees

Everyone else with babies no matter what age needs to work and sort childcare that’s just normal life - so leave her to it ! Maybe offer a day at most to babysit while they at work - but don’t do every day.

shel never figure it all out otherwise