Underage Nan seeking advice

[thatgirlwhocakes222]

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

my husband and I sat her and her boyfriend down and went through things like bills , costs of things . Just to give them a true understanding of how much a baby costs . Nursery fees ! Pram ect .
i would of thought this was a sensible thing to do ?
we then would let them have a good think about it and it's well before 12 weeks incase they change their minds.

im doing what I think is best . I grew up in the care system. I had no help or advice .
you can give practical guidance without being negative. I'm not a mum that will scream and shout or tell her to get her name down on the council list so they get out from under my feet .
I don't want her claiming universal credit . I don't want her being another teen mum on UC in a council house . I want to deal with this as a family the way I think is right .
mum absolutely devastated about the whole thing ! It's not a life choice I wanted for her . I'm not sure any mother wants her child to aspire to be a teen mum especially in this economic climate . Part of being a responsible parent is not encouraging them just to move out and rely on tax payers when between us we can figure things out and they can still work and save and I'll help with childcare when I can but I've still got to work . The childminder idea i thought was to try and turn it into a business and then I can stay at home and give her free childcare ( aswel as looking after another child ) so they can work . It was an idea ! I'm really not in the know with how that works .

i certainly do not want to take over . It's going to be hard because naturally you will want to help and advise .

I've also made her very aware because of the genetic makeup in our family with us all being Nuro , her child will have the possibility of having Nuro issues also . I have spent 21 years fighting a system with her older brother who is profoundly mentally disabled, global delay , autism , daily tonic clonic seizures..... he will be going into supported living in may next year because he knocked me unconscious in the crossfire of a meltdown.

unless you live in this situation you wouldn't understand at all . There is the fear factor of her having a child like her brother and she will find it extremely difficult to cope with and I'm scared she will hand over care to me and I can't do another 21 years ! I'm sorry . But I also would never let her child go into local authority care either.

it's alot !

but here we are and I'm trying to stay positive, I appreciate the positive feedback here I really do .

I'm 41 eldest is 21 then 18 , 14 and 8

why did you write

* I'm just really worried as now she's had to leave her job as it states in her contract if she is pregnant you can't be employed as it's a dangerous job with high risk residents*? When she’d already left her job before knowing she was pregnant?

What about a care home for now? And hopefully, she can return to her previous job later.
You are being very supportive. It's not ideal and of course we want our children not to have children so early in life. She is and it's certainly not the worst thing that could be happening.
You will be a fantastic nan because you are a fab mum.

She should be entitled to either 15 or 30 hours childcare when baby is 9 months old. I’m not sure as it’s changed since my son was little but if little one is in nursery it will get all the socialisation it needs there so no need to worry about going to groups and things if that’s not what your daughter wants to do.

Hi OP although you had a different experience, chances are you weren’t actually as grown up as you think you were at 19.

I think you need to take a deep breath and a giant step back. I wouldn’t over plan or over promise. It seems a bit premature and overly involved to suggest eg you will become a registered CM, especially if that’s not something you ideally want to commit to.

You also have a prime commitment to your other DC who are young with additional needs, it is not desirable nor realistic that you parent her parenting.

Although you wanted her to be older, there are some positives. DD seems to be in fairly stable situation. Especially if she only has one fallopian tube, it may be better for her to have her DC now.

She will need to find her own feet, She may change and want to get out to groups, the value is more for the parent than the baby I would say anyway. I wouldn’t be too quick to take over.

It’s her own life, her own choices, she may not want to travel the world, even if you ideally would.

It’s still a shock, there’s going to be an adjustment period.

Our eldest 21 has no long announced she is pregnant but isnt with dad and works part-time and is at college. It was a shock to us all but she is happy so will support her. We are in a council property and will see if she can get on the list which is doubtful as it will be a long wait. She will eventually have to move out as we dont have the space for a toddler who need their own room as she has an 18 yeat old sister.

I was older when I had mine and had travelled and she has travelled as a child/teen. You just need to support her, that's what we will do. Congratulations to her.

You said exactly what I was thinking, it's ok some people on here saying "oh they'll be fine with a baby" but everybody has overlooked the chances of the baby inheriting any of the numerous health issues in the family. I think she needs to have a plan in place for if she gets to a stage where she can no longer cope because there's every chance it'll get to that especially as she is only 18 as well as neurodiverse and there's the risk that the boyfriend will up and walk if things get bad because of his young age. It's a heavy conversation but I think it needs to be had because as you said, you don't want to be starting all over again with raising a kid with needs, so if it all starts to go wrong it puts you all through hell.

I reiterate that you sound an amazing mum OP. I had my children in my mid-forties. Although I love motherhood, I can totally see the value in having a baby when you are young-young. I think as a society we are too prescriptive towards women in terms of when they “should” have a baby. X

Ah ok, your first post said 24. I can see now that was a typo and meant 14!

One of quite a few details in this OP which make little / no sense

Young-young? Young girls getting pregnant when they aren't fully old enough to know what they want from life is not something to support or encourage! When I was 18, I was with my first boyfriend who wanted me to have a kid with him and it's a good job I didn't because he wasn't a nice person at all and I left him at 23 for someone else who I'm still with over 22 years later and we've never wanted kids, never ever had the desire at all! Teen motherhood should be be discouraged and especially in this circumstance where this teenager has needs and may give birth to a child that has needs. How is a young-young father meant to cope with a child with needs and a partner whose mentally falling apart because they are still young young and have needs. How many young-young couples have careers and homes!

This x

If you hate forced birth then you should hate forced termination. It’s her body and she wants this baby. No one is encouraging early motherhood, just fighting the current ‘perfect’ order of life events that is common in our culture.

Who said anything about forced termination and I certainly don't believe in forcing anyone to give birth either! Are you saying you are supporter of forced birth? I don't understand your comment and why you have aimed it at me.

I was stating how creepy and stupid it is to think that girls should get pregnant when they are young-young. I don't believe in being an anti-abortionist bully either. It's not your life, not your mental health, not your consequence to be left dealing with! Not your business! The combination of this teen mother having needs herself and potentially having a challenging child with needs is not a good mix! They need to have that conversation about if the worst happens, where does that baby go! They need to be fully fully sure that it's sensible to go ahead with this pregnancy.

This is my main concern really . She has another job and starts soon . She's sorted her college for next sep for GCSEs. Not ideal no . However I'm adjusting to this whole situation.
I worry about any additional needs bubs may inherit . There wouldn't be a chance on earth I'd let my grandchild go into any sort of care if she couldn't cope . I would step in then . I think I'm just exhausted from 21 years of being a Sen mum , all the fighting , worrying , no sleep , tears and meltdowns ... and the likelihood is I'll be a Sen Nan in some form .
I say I can't do it again ! But I will because for me there's no other option unless she wanted to terminate and I'd support her , just like I'm supporting her decision to go ahead .
I think I've overthought everything really . I'm hoping this is all just normal about your own baby having a baby if that makes sense . What if I'm a terrible nan 🫣

We have told them all the risks ect and they still want to go ahead , so I'm just slowly preparing myself for another gorgeous Nuro bundle and I know exactly what I'm doing as it's all I know ! Living with Sen , having Nuro myself and I work with SEN children and adults .
I could just do with a year of a slight break from my son transititioning to supported living as we have no respite ! Our respite centre for adults is currently closed . (Story for another day )
he transitions in May next year and she's due end of June .
this mama just needs a little break .

Does the new employer knows DD is pregnant?

Just want to say you are clearly a lovely mum. Your DD is a lucky girl to have you and sounds like she has her head screwed on too.
I was an accidental baby and my mum was young, so was my grandma. ( for whom I have so many lovely memories of) It seems overwhelming now but I think babies have a way of just fitting in if they have that care and support in the background.
Wish you all the best xx

Will the boyfriends parents be involved?

No ! One reason because she wasn't 💯 sure she was continuing but now is .
also she didn't want to seem unemployable either .
it's a zero hour job anyway working with our local council. She wouldn't be entitled to maternity and she can choose when she wants to work . I just explained to her it's better on paper that she's employed so she hasn't got a big gap on her Cv . The Job doesn't involve any risks of any sort and she is only relief cover .
studying for her GCSEs is my main priority for her now . She missed so much school masking & then covid . She really slipped the net because she wasn't a nuisance ! Typical girl with Audhd .
she's not duping an employer into maternity pay it's just for a bit of money .
I'll just have to work extra to make up for things . I'm self employed at home as a cake maker and I work in school kitchens on a zero hour contract which is perfect to work around the kids , I've never used the fact my children have needs to never work , schools , classrooms and school kitchens is great for hours and holidays and my husband is the main earner .
her boyfriend is on good money as a manager of a branch of McDonald's. He's sensible , job , car ect .

Thank you Lovley

I think you need to be honest with yourself op

self studying GCSEs would be tricky for anyone

let alone previously failed, now pregnant and Audh

Well I'm determined to help her succeed, my younger daughter is sitting her GCSE's next year so they are going to study together and there's nothing wrong with getting a head start before she goes to college next September.
mindset is everything on this subject .

She’s pregnant.
Even the most focused of us would struggle to study for GCSEs let alone having previously failed and Audh

All I’m saying is op, I think you need to be realistic about chances of your dd getting GCSEs in the short term

I totally take your point. But it’s impossible to generalise. My mother had me at 20. She and my dad did a great job and were together until his death last year.