Underage Nan seeking advice

[thatgirlwhocakes222]

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

Hey @thatgirlwhocakes222 …

I think the most important thing you are forgetting here is that she’s got an amazing role model. I think she’ll be okay.

yes it’s not the way you wanted it to pan out but it’s what it is.

this may be the only child she is ever able to have so I can see why she’s progressing with her pregnancy - and you know yourself that being a young mum means when you are in your 40s and financially stable - the kids are grown up and you get to do all the stuff you wanted to do then.

Be there for her by all means but don’t think that means you have to be a doormat or that she expects you to be. You’ve raised her to be independent so she can probably do a great job of parenting independently with the right support and guidance xx

You sound like an amazing mum. Look at what you’ve done for your children, raising them by yourself and getting through all kinds of difficulties. You’ll be amazing nan too! The most important things your DD need are the love and support of her family and it sounds like she’s got those in abundance from you. You and she and her BF can do this!

..

You haven’t let her down, you haven’t done anything wrong, please don’t think this. Anyone can have a contraception fail! She can still do all the things you want her to do, she might just do them at different stages in her life. She’s got you, she’ll be fine!

She’ll be fine I had my first at 16 and we live a very ordinary life. I wouldn’t say you’re underage Nan at 41 it’s a pretty ordinary age to be a Nan maybe a little younger than average these days. You say you don’t want her to be 18 and living in a council house but she probably won’t which will probably be more of a bad thing than a good thing when you see the price of private rents. I’d recommend they start saving for a shared ownership property now

I think you sound like a fabulous mum. It is probably tied in as well with your oldest moving to supported accomodation. I know what it’s like to have a disabled child and how much headspace that takes up. Now finally you can see a time where he will be moving and perhaps release you from some of the daily responsibility (I know he will still be on your mind) but hopefully you get what I mean. And now another what feels like a big responsibility has come along just when you feel some freedom may be ahead. I think it’s just a case of acknowledging and working through these feelings and being gentle with yourself.

Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that

Your daughter sounds lovely, and also sensible for her age 😊 A few things:

• help her check her job contract. She shouldn’t have had to leave because she’s pregnant. She needs to find out her legal position asap
• there’s no need for you to become a childminder. You’ve said you’re just starting to get your independence back. Your DD is an adult and has a partner. Offer support when needed but allow her to navigate this herself.
• how much money have your DD and partner saved? Could they afford Shared Ownership, have they looked at help for first time buyers?

Although 18 is a little young, there are pros and cons of having a child at all ages. My friend had her first child at 18, went to uni at 19 and got a good professional job when her child started school.

You seem to have dreams for your DD and are disappointed that she might not fulfil them? With respect, she is her own person and will take her own path. I do get it though, I’d hope my daughter would have children when she’s a little older but it’s not up to me. Everything will work out.

Im confused as to why you would “need to train as a childminder” though? You’ve had 4 children so sure you could help as needed. Unless you’re planning to charge her, of course.

she Sounds like me at 16 when I became a mum, had never been drunk or even had one puff of a cigarette getting pregnant was the only “naughty” thing I ever did.
nan definitely doesn’t have to be a childminder my mum didn’t even want me in her house with the baby and I’ve managed fine.
Definitely agree with you about the shared ownership it’s the only way to get somewhere decent to live these days, I know she said she didn’t want her to be 18 in a council house but that would be very lucky

I see that you want the best for her.However just because it's seen as "the thing to do" as far as travelling .doesnt mean everyone has to do it! My own DS has travelled to the Far East several times, and the States .Also Europe still only in his late 20s.DD however doesnt like anything more than a day trip.We are all different and she sounds ready for a baby .Support her and enjoy LO.You are young enough to enjoy it

I'm pretty sure that contract's illegal...

I almost cried reading this. The love you have for your daughter and your other children is tangible. I had a similiar upbringing to you and likewise, I wouldn’t want my kids to have children so young but-she’ll be fine. It’ll look different from what you expected/wanted but with a mum like you in her corner, she and the baby will thrive and be happy. Best of luck to you all xx

When I was pregnant I decided I dont want anymore children and only one. So I trained as a childminder. Quit my career after maternity leave and had the best yime as a childminder for 4 years. My child loved it, we had best time and she was so so so happy with kids visiting our home. Never any argument, never any problems. Was a bliss time and I fulfulled all my maternal instincts with children :)
Maybe thats a good idea foe her?
Easy to travel, as flexible. You have time to raide your child. It was great

It's important to remember that your daughter is her own person and has to live her own life not the one you wanted for her. Your daughter taking a different path to the one you wanted her to take doesn't make either of you a failure. Sounds like you're hyper focusing on all the potential issues and challenges. Whilst it's brilliant you'll be there to support, it's not your responsibility to figure out how to parent and care for the baby or fix things, that's your daughter and partner's responsibility. Let them figure things out and you can be there when they need you. Would strongly recommend NOT committing to minding the baby every day, enjoy your independence.

You've worked so hard and did well for them.

So well that your daughter now feels confident to keep this accidental pregnancy. She had some holidays and saw New York, in a sense she knows it is there and will be there for her at any later time.

It wasn't her plan, it was an accident. It doesn't say anything else about your parenting that you managed to give her optimism and willingness to sort life as it comes.

You are the success story! You had a baby at 19 and have a happy home - it

You sound to be a fantastic mum and daughter sounds like she's got her head screwed on and has support. Dont worry , easy to say I know but try and take it as it comes. You can't shield them from their mistakes , if whatever turns out to be a mistake but you can be there for them and also keep your own life which you have obviously worked for. Think of the positives. There will be many. Take care.

So if you registered as a childminder you would be looking after your grand kid unpaid?

When my cousin got pg at 18 my father (who kind of acted as her father as her father died young) was gutted. Felt that she had wasted all the opportunities he had worked to make available for her, and that she would never get to do them now. My father died young too, so I lost touch with my cousin. When I googled her a few decades later, she was a visiting professor in a European university, and her professional career spanned multiple continents.

People can do things in different orders. You sound incredibly supportive, and I am sure with your support you dd will find her own way in life to do the things that she dreams of doing, whatever they may turn out to be.

Hi, I can absolutely sympathise with you feeling this way. I had my daughter at 18. I'm still with her father and we've been happily married for over 20, years. We've done a really good job with our two children.
My daughter became pregnant at 19 and it's was such a shock and I battled with all the same emotions. Disappointment etc. But all I will say is when she had her baby (20 at that point) and I held her in my arms for the first time, I felt a strength of intense love that I can't really explain. I absolutely love being a grandma! I'm 39. I'm obsessed with my gorgeous grand daughter and my daughter is doing a great job as a mum. My husband was in shock too at first but he's the world's best grandad! He's obsessed too. We are absolutely loving this new phase of life. We get all the fun bits and cuddles and it's such a joy.
I think it's time for you to start getting excited about being a grandmother. Buy the baby a few tiny outfits. Or maybe you won't feel it until they are born like me but I'm sure you'll be as obsessed as I am and will love being a young grandmother ❤️ it's done now, that's the reality, not what you would of chosen maybe but it's done, so just try and be happy, accept it and enjoy it would be my advice

Firstly I think it’s more cool socially to have parents that are young as opposed to old. So to an 18 year old who had a young parent, they aren’t going to see being a young mum as a bad thing necessarily.

Secondly, this doesn’t have to destroy her career especially if she stays in the relationship and if he is supportive. In her 20s, her kid will be at school so she’ll still have time to carve out a proper job. I don’t really think being 18-23 really impacts your career that much, it’s all early career at that point ie stuff that can be caught up on.

I would be helping them get moved into a Council house and let them stand on their own 2 feet.

Don't take over, it isnt your baby and they need to be the primary parents. Your main priority should be to the younger children you are still bringing up.

This doesn't mean you don't support them all the way but the support needs to be with the goal of helping them be great parents to their child.

You sound like a lovely caring mum but be mindful of being a grandmother and not a mother for the baby. I don’t think you need to register as a childminder as children get funded childcare hours from 9 months now and also tax free childcare. Groups are really about the mums and whilst fun, babies won’t suffer if they don’t go. Some groups eg swimming are less about the mums chatting and she might prefer that.

However I think you should support her with her job, her contact should not state she has to leave if pregnant as this is maternity discrimination. Support her with exploring this, if it is a good job then she may want to go back after maternity leave.

Alright well I’m about to be controversial.
My mum became a granny at 44.

Being a ‘young’ granny is a blessing, you’ll get to see your grandchildren grow up and even see a glimpse of great grandchildren. I think that getting to see the next generation is wonderful, and you’ll have so much more time to enjoy it rather than those who become grandparents in their 60s or even beyond!

It wasn’t in your creams for her. But she’s an adult, perfect time biologically. Try and be supportive and celebrate the amazing news of growing family.

Perfectly understandable for you to be disappointed but she can do the travelling etc later. You've also clearly done a great job as she's already found another job and is planning to re-do her exams - take some credit for this!