Underage Nan seeking advice

[thatgirlwhocakes222]

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

Well she decided this off her own back and if there was any girl that struggled with the school setting and hated being there it was my daughter. She spent most of her time in the toilets ringing me begging to come home . Complete overwhelm. So for her to acknowledge anything academic now is massive so I'm going to encourage it all the way even if we might fail. I do see your point though. It's going to be hard work and she may not achieve it but at least she's a worker . She has brilliant work ethic .

How old is her boyfriend? Will his parents be involved? Do you know them? Might be worth reaching out to them if not

Don't worry too much. Take one day at a time. Your daughter actually sounds quite switched on. She can still travel etc if she wants, but maybe just later. Lots of young parents do really well as their baby gives them focus.

18 isn’t young young. I had my first at 16 and we’re both doing fine. My grandparents had their first children at 18/19 as did most people back then.

young young would be like 14 and when that happens hopefully the police look into it because the father it’s usually an older man

BTW, you only need one working fallopian tube. If the egg is released on the side with the damaged or missing tube, the other tube can grab it.

just fighting the current ‘perfect’ order of life events that is common in our culture

why would you fight that since it’s better for children to be born into a financially stable household with two parents who are committed to working together to raise those children to adulthood? You can be kind and supportive to people who don’t fit that category, but fighting the “Perfect” order in scare quotes? Come on!

This. Don’t disempower them as parents and rescue them. They’ll work it out. And don’t lose out on your soon to be coming, and well earned, extra bit of freedom! Be careful what you commit into!

Congrats and good luck to you all!

You're in shock by the sounds of things & feeling totally overwhelmed with what the future holds for you & your Daughter. You sound like whatever happens you have your Childs best interests at heart so she's very lucky to have such a supportive Mum. I'd advise you to go with your Daughters choices & let her know you're there for her & the baby but ask her to let you know what she wants from you so you don't overstep boundaries. She's going to be a Mum & will need to be able to parent her own child her way. It's very hard to take a back seat when you've been there & done it but her & her partner need to find their own way. There's no harm offering advice but don't be upset if it's ignored or challenged. I'm sure your Daughter will come to you with any problems. worries or concerns so just be patient & take things day by day. At 18 she's an adult, it may be hard accepting that but she's about to become even more grown up, being a Mother is hard & her being ND may hinder things a bit more. However she still needs to step up & be the best Mum to her child. With you as her parent it'll be easy to learn from you as you sound like you have it together & don't want your Daughter or Grandchild going through what you did as a child so you're best placed to have her back in any situation & guide her in the right directions.
Also please don't register to become a Childminder just to care for your Grandchild. Grandparents in England aren't able to claim the free funded places so your Daughter would still have to pay you out of her own pocket regardless if you were expecting payment. Becoming a Childminder is a lot of work & the hoops Ofsted expect you to jump through may not be worth it for you if you're only wanting to care for your Grandchild & no other children.
Good Luck to you all. I hope once baby arrives you all find it easier than you're anticipating & enjoy being a young Nan. It's the best feeling ever being a Grandparent I'm sure you'll love it.

You’ll be delighted when the baby is born.

I was a mum at 18 and now I’m a nanny at 43. Embrace it

How is your daughter doing @thatgirlwhocakes222 ?