Underage Nan seeking advice

[thatgirlwhocakes222]

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

You said she left her job a week before she found out she was pregnant? So there may be nothing she can do about that now.

But for anyone else reading this or for the future (as an HR person), if a role is too high risk during pregnancy, employers have to look for ways to mitigate that risk, then if that isn't possible they have to try to find an alternative role. If that isn't possible, then they have to suspend on full pay.

In theory though, depending on whether she found out a bit later than usual so she could say she was aware that she was pregnant when she resigned, AND depending on the wording in the contract so she could say she only resigned as she expected her employment to be terminated due to pregnancy, she might have a case against them for discrimination.

I was a young mum, pregnant at 17, baby born when I was 18 and married at 19. Worked full time and my DH worked away. We're still married and have had a good life together.
Were we skint? Yes, for years but we adapted to our new life. We got a LA house, lived there for years until our DC was older and we saved up. We had 1 car, and DH used it to travel back and forth to his work. so I relied on public transport. We didn't eat the best food either, but we were clothed, fed, watered and warm.
I went back to work, DH continued to work away.
I had a good support network around me, still do. We had to pay for childcare as both our parents still worked, they were young grandparents. Both say they are glad they were younger and fitter as they couldn't handle the pace of babies and toddlers now. My DC is extremely close to both grandparents.
Lost friends, made new ones.
I'm not saying it was easy, there was tears and struggles along the way but overall I wouldn't change it. We missed out on a lot when we were young but now we are getting our time back.
Good luck xc

She’s 18, working and has a long term partner. Leave them to it. She’s an adult.

She’ll get 30 hours free childcare when the baby is 9 months.

I had my eldest at 16, but I was more than capable of caring for him. My parents helped, but I was very independent and got my own place a year after he was born, then moved 250 miles away for work after uni. Don’t assume she will need her parenting parented. Did you need that? Don’t interfere too much, or push her away. It’s not ideal, if my 17yr old DD told me she was pregnant tomorrow then i’d be upset, but i’d know from my own experience you can still go on to get an education / career. DS1 is in his early 30’s now and we are very close.

Congrats @thatgirlwhocakes222 you're going to be a lovely young granny / nan!
As others have said, it's not your baby to be planning for. Give your daughter and her partner space to work out things. The best thing about being a granny is that you can have alllll the fun and then hand the child back to their parents!

I know you wanted more for her. I’m an older mum and if I could do it over I would have had kids in my early 20s and saved travelling and career for later - your DD can still work and even if not then starting again in your 30s and 40s is absolutely do-able. You’ll also get the joy of seeing your GC in adulthood, and maybe your great GC too, whereas I doubt my parents or my in laws will enjoy my children as adults sadly.

On the plus side, when her baby is grown up, your daughter will still be able to do all those things (travelling, seeing the world and so on) and she'll still be young herself! She'll only be in her late 30s when this baby is 18, she'll have so much life still ahead of her.

I think, gently, you are maybe a bit fixated on the idea of her doing things in the "right" order - travel and career first, babies later. That's understandable because it is the narrative that is pushed very hard on young women these days.

The truth is that there isn't really a right order to do these things. As long as this baby is loved and happy (sounds like it is) and your daughter finds motherhood fulfilling and is prepared to put the hard work in then she is doing things in the "right" order for her.

What an absolutely amazing and lovely mum you are. It will all be ok. It will. In the mean time, allow yourself to grieve the vision for life you had for her and also for you. It’s ok to feel what you feel.

Appreciate all your comments and agree with all your points x

I think you need some counselling for this.

You haven’t let her down.

Nothing has “gone wrong”.

It sounds like you’ve brought up a wonderful, sensible and caring young woman. Her life isn’t over. It’s just beginning. I’m sure you’ll be besotted with this baby when he/she has be born and all these negative feelings will disappear.

You may be right about the therapy . I never thought of this view tbh . I just want to be the best supportive mum and nan I can be

You sound like a lovely Mum who has raised a hard working resilient daughter. Try not to take over and give her the confidence to make her own decisions. Congratulations on your first grandchild!

You sound like a lovely supportive mum and grandmother to be.
Your DD is capable of making her own choices. She probably feels just as grown up as you did at that age, however unworldly she might seem to you.
I'm sure she will be grateful for every bit of help you can offer. I would advise you to be wary of stepping on her toes regarding decisions about her child. It can be a difficult line to tread when you see your DD as very young. Let her benefit from your experience, but don't foist it on her.

Hi op, wishing you and your daughter the best of luck. Fyi if you're planning on becoming a childminder and looking after your grandchild, you'll have to check the rules on whether you'll be able to claim the funded hours for your grandchild. Where I am in the UK you cannot get the government funded hours when childminding your own grandchildren, but maybe that differs area to area? Obviously not an issue if you're planning on doing it for free!

Oh op I get you, this was me 18 years ago, yes nan at 43, daughter had an amazing job at the time but couldn't continue with it after baby arrived, anyway you're dreams for her have taken another road op that it, yes of course we have these dreams and ambitions for our young adult children, we want them to live a little before all the responsibilities of life comes along, I get it, you sound amazing mum op, and all you need to do is support her, stand beside her for when she needs your advice or help, you must keep your plans to with h and this new chapter in your life becoming a little more independent ,

Your dd is 18 and not really prepared for this, but that is not completely unusual. It sounds like she has a good work ethic and is sensible with money. Both of these things will serve her well.

i wanted to address that you are overstepping with the baby and ASD. ASD parents may do things differently, but that does not mean that they are detrimental to the child. In fact, they might be exactly what is best for that baby. You need to let her make the parenting decisions and you need to let her be responsive to the baby’s cues. ASD parents often have ASD children. Going in with arbitrary ideas about socialization or how things should be done are not in the child’s best interest.

The one thing I'd say is that it's very likely that the boy won't stay around and she will be a single mum.

They are both incredibly young. Statistically, couples of their age do not stay together with some exceptions.

I'd be encouraging her to make the most of her career with some qualifications, because although she was earning a good salary, it sounds as if she's still going to do GCSEs and then other exams maybe later on.

You are very young to be a gran.

I had to smile at the poster who said 41 was 'normal'.

many women now are having children of their own at that age and many of my friends weren't grans till almost 70.

I'd say help her out but don't sacrifice your own life and give everything up for her.

I'm afraid I disagree @CherrieTomaties
What has gone wrong is the DD and her boyfriend do not have a home of their own and can't be independent as parents.

Let's not kid everyone that an unplanned baby at 18 with a boy of similar age is a good thing. On balance it's not but if she's determined to go ahead they will have to make the best of it.

I'll give you a positive story. A friend of mine had her daughter at 18 and then her daughter also had her first child at 18. Then her daughter did too - it just runs in the family. She is stunning - the most glamorous great grandmother ever, and has a fantastic job. because she had DC early in life, she was able to focus on her career while she was still considered young and had a lot of energy in her thirties. There's a lot to be said for starting early if it's in a stable situation. When I first met my friend she was in 6 inch heels, with glossy blonde hair, mid thirties. My jaw dropped when I learned she was a grandmother. It may not be that usual any more, but there nothing wrong with it. Congratulations.

It's only very recently that people have assumed you have to have a perfect home of your own to bring children into. My parents didn't - they were camped at my grandma's when my sister arrived. My nephew didn't - DSis's family were crammed into one room at my parents for about four years.

It's fine. Intergenerational living is fine. Being a bit cramped is also fine if people declutter and keep the place clean and aired.

It only works if the father stays around and the couple work together as parents. It's very hard to combine a career and being a parent - possible of course- if you start at 18 unless you are very focused on your employment.

It also means that at 18 a woman hasn't really lived or matured as an adult because they are almost literally still a child themselves.

That depends on the parents of course if they are willing to share a home.

You don't need the perfect home but - sorry- having babies at 18 is not a great idea mainly as you've not become a fully fledged adult yourself and lived a bit.

It’s definitely illegal so it’s a pity she resigned before they attempted to terminate her on the grounds of pregnancy as she could have got a substantial payout.

You sounds like such a lovely mum and you really care for her. Of course first couple of years would be tough but having a little one around is also very joyful. She is only 18, its not the end, even if she will go full on parent mode for a few years she would still be in her early twenties. She's got time to do absolutely everything.

I'm worried that you're already planning to be involved to the point that you're going to be acting like the baby's parent. You really mustn't take over the mothering from your DD. Your role will be to encourage her to take her own child to baby groups, not to do it for her.

And no, you don't care for your grandchild full time. The baby's parents need to be responsible for the decision making about their own child, and the responsibilities that go along with them.

I hope you're just in panic mode, and not really going to be doing everything for them and making the decisions that are theirs to make. Do not promise them the world at this point, or you will live to regret it and be taken for granted

The best thing you can do is to help them find a home of their own, where they can be independent adults and be responsible for their own child, while knowing that the baby has a grandma who will love it, and who will help them out occasionally when they ask her to, but not take over.