Underage Nan seeking advice

[thatgirlwhocakes222]

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

Well who knows this might be her only chance at pregnancy.. I hope not, but for friends of mine their teenage pregnancy turned out to be their only child.. so relax, celebrate along with her, buy her the vitamins..

It won't be your child though. It's up to your DD and her DP to work it out.

The problem I see is that you have already written your dd off and are already planning on looking after this child and taking it out to mother and baby groups

Why have you sat down with them both and already worked out logistics and bills. Surely that is for them as a couple to work out, find a place to live, budget etc

Please take a massive step back. This isn’t your child.

Aww! I think she will be a brilliant Mum and you will be a brilliant Nan. You are so lucky to have each other. I know it's a shock now and it will be hard work but you all have each other and you will make it work.

You have not let her down.

You have done so brilliantly as a mum that, at 18, she has a job, a long-term partner, and is ready and keen to take on the responsibility of a baby. Because she has a much younger sibling she will have at least some idea of what is involved. She will have a midwife and a health visitor to support her, as well as her boyfriend and his family.

I know it must be scary and not what you would have chosen for her, but honestly, I don’t think it has to be terrible.

Yeah, 18 is young and I presume this wasn't planned but you know what? She sounds absolutely lovely your daughter and I don't doubt she will be a good mum, just as you are. You taught her well!

You are allowed to dream dreams for your child . Your child is allowed to have completely different dreams .

@thatgirlwhocakes222 With all due respect, she and her BF have decided to have a child. You need to let them parent, stop thinking "I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?" Stop with the "I'll become a childminder" rubbish. LET THEM PARENT AND MAKE DECISIONS, like you did when you became pregnant the same age!!!!!!!

You and your DD both sound amazing. I don’t think there is ever a right time to have a baby and maybe that means there’s never a completely right time. An amazing girl I know had a very chaotic life (so more challenging than your DD’s) and an unplanned pregnancy at 16. She is an absolutely amazing mother and her child is a delight.
It doesn’t mean her life is over. She might have her children young and have all sorts of adventures when they have grown up. There is no perfect order. I had children younger than all my siblings and have started a new career in my fifties while they’re all immersed in young children.
You have absolutely not failed her. It sounds as though you have raised her to be loving and positive - pretty admirable qualities in my opinion.
I understand that it’s a shock but you sound as though you will be an amazing young Nan. Embrace every moment 🥰

My advice to any new grandparents would be the same regardless of their age or the age of the pregnant woman. ..

1. You had your turn to be a parent , now it's their turn.
2. We did things our way. Many things are the same, many have changed. Let them find out what works for them.
3. Unless the child is in mortal danger keep your nose out and your mouth shut

4 Offer help and support/ breaks. Do not take over/ make decisions for them.

1. Enjoy being a granny. I have my grandchildren every Monday. It's absolutely brilliant and I love it. I do what their parents do/ have the same rules as their parents/ follow the same routines. Being a granny is completely different to being a parent.

I was in your position, I was 21 having my daughter and she had her first baby at 18. I was 39.
shes now pregnant again at 20.
She’s an absolutely fantastic mother, she’s taken to parenting like a duck to water, and her partner works very long hours so she spends most of the time alone. The month she found out she was expecting she moved out and rented a property. I’m 41 now, so still wayyyy too young to be a Nan, but that’s what life has dealt me.
Also my youngest is still in primary school too, he was 8 when he became an uncle.

are you a single parent?

It’s OK to be in shock, and concerned.
If her baby chances are already compromised and she wants children then a baby now is better than no baby ever surely?
There is never the perfect time for a baby and it sounds as though she has a support network and will be in a position to manage.
I became a young granny too. It was a shock, my dsd was 19. But she had a steady job she loves, supportive family and she is thriving.

Your job is to be the granny, offer support only when needed or ask for. Please don’t assume because she’s 18 she’s going to need more support, it may be her calling.

youve been a fantastic mum and your adult daughter is now having her own family. She will always be your baby, I totally get that but this is her baby and she has to work it all out for herself. You will be doing her no favours if you step in and organise everything. There’s no need for you not to continue with life as normal. You would like you’ve raised a bright, sensible young woman and you need to give her her time to learn how to be a mother without being overbearing. My worry is you’ll eatrange them by trying to take over, she has a partner and it’s their issue to deal with. You get the nice bits now & you get to hand the baby back. Time to accept your role change.

fwiw both my cousin and her eldest had teenage pregnancies and both are very successful in their chosen careers. My aunt and cousin were both grandparents in their 30s which was a shock but they adapted.

Everything sounds fine but you are having some strong emotions. Get some counselling or support so you can understand how to have healthy boundaries with dd and actually enjoy the next few years. Wishing you lots of luck!

How old are those statistics? Things are a lot different from 30 years ago, these days if not in a serious relationship most would probably abort. I had a baby at 16 only a few years ago and lived with other teen mums till I was 18 and could leave, all but one of the other girls was still with the dad

I'm sorry you feel so shocked - I'm just a few years younger than you with a toddler!

I have a friend though, who had her first baby at 19 by choice. Her 20s were naturally very different to mind, where I went off to university and she brought up children and worked.

However, now, 20ish years later, she is free! Her boys are independent teenagers leaving home. My career is plateauing just as her can take off.

There is no right way to do this, but having had fertility issues (and it sounds like perhaps you daughter would potentially do so) I almost wish I could go back and do having children earlier when it might have been easier and I might have had energy.

So, please let go of the worry you have that you daughter is making a poor choice. It's ultimately her choice and there us no particular reason to think its a bad one.

I do think you need to make some exiting plans to travel and do all things you wanted for her, for yourself, in 10 years time, when your youngest is independent. Start saving now! Instead of hoping she might live the life you wanted, go out there and live it for yourself.

I can understand you feeling like this OP. Not much you can do. Everything is so expensive and it's not that she can't thrive there's just a long road ahead. I would highlight to her... does she think she will be will her boyfriend in the next 10 years? Not many people will be at that age.

What do the boyfriends family think?

Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys
Ahem, she's clearly been interested in at least one boy... Parents not wanting their daughters hanging around with boys is to avoid this exact scenario.

I just want to say I love the user name and totally agree.

Good point

Too young to have a baby Imo.
I was a parent at 19

I just think that baby is going to be so lucky to be born into a wonderful family and have an amazing nan like you!

Was it a contraception fail or did your DD plan for the pregnancy?

Why is this thread called Underage Nan?