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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Underage Nan seeking advice

186 replies

thatgirlwhocakes222 · 22/11/2025 09:32

Hey 👋 this is my first post on this page . Title of the thread says it all really .
my 18 year old daughter announced she is pregnant in October. I'm still really in shock and finding it hard to process .
im 41 a mum of 4 children 2 girls & 2 young adults 21,18,24,8

so many things to say ! Its alot . All my children are diagnosed Audhd and my eldest boy has severe global delay & epilepsy. He has been finally allocated a new apartment for supported accommodation that is a few yards away from our home with 24/7 carers and will transition in May next year . This is a massive thing for all of us but it's the best life for him .

lately I've been starting to get my independence back slightly and enjoying trips away solo and my husband also enjoys his time fishing ect and we both support each other .
I've always encouraged my children to work hard ! And travel .
my 18 year old has just been in a great job as a residential support worker and money was great . Her boyfriend is the manager of a local McDonald's store and between them both living at home they can easily save £3000 a month between them disposable income towards a deposit for a mortgage.

we live in council property and so grateful as it got us away from their dad years ago . I try to explain to my children they don't need to just survive , they can thrive if that makes sense .
i grew up in local authority care so I've fought tooth and nail for my children to have a different life .

my daughter has been going on lots of holidays ect with her boyfriend and living her best life . She struggled in school but is a good worker .
Shes brilliant around the home , never been interested in hanging around the villiage or drinking or boys , she's never been in any trouble. I can come home and house is spotless , dinner cooked , she's picked up her sister from school .. she's amazing like that .
for her 18th birthday I saved for over a year to take her as a surprise to NYC for her birthday just the two of us . We did sunrise on Brooklyn bridge on her 18th birthday... I wanted her to be inspired ... to grab the world in her hands ...
so in October when she told me she was pregnant ( accident ) and she wanted to keep baby I just didn't want to be THAT mum shouting ect .. I just said right we will support you . My husband and I have sat both of them down and worked out logistics ! Bills , costs ect .. they are still adamant about having the baby .

I'll never try to influence her decision. A recent scan showed she only has 1 fallopian tube is working which we had no idea .

I've felt every single emotion. I feel like I'm grieving her childhood , I wanted a different life for her . I was a mum at 19 but I didn't have any family or anything so I was desperate to have a family of my own . I just don't understand the life choice they are making here . Why struggle when they could be traveling the world instead . I haven't says anything of this to her as I don't want to make it about me so I've kept it to myself. I also don't want her to have a negative experience if this is the only child she has , I want her to have the best experience.
I've also told them I will try and register as a childminder so I can look after bubs while they work so they haven't got the same nursery fees and can save still for their own house . I don't want her to be 18 and in a council house ! I know it sounds judgy but I just don't want her to be another statistic.

I don't really know who to reach out to . It's hard as she's 18 !

I feel like now I'm going to have to parent her parenting and I'm just not ready for it . Am I selfish for thinking any of this ?
there's no way I'll be having the .. your responsibility now get on with it attitude.. that's my grandchild so I'll love them with the same love I have for all my children. I'm not wired to just not get involved.

where's the groups for underage nans please 🥴.

I guess I'm looking for some positive stories ect from young mums , fellow nans .

thankyou ( sorry for the rant )

OP posts:
eyeses · 22/11/2025 16:28

If you were a mum at 19 then 18 isn't all that.
Also, I assume your 24yo is actually 14, or you were a mum much younger than your daughter.

AliceMaforethought · 22/11/2025 16:34

This post is so heartwarming after reading about so many selfish grandparents who just shrug and say they're done raising kids and won't help. I always hope that they won't be expecting their kids to help them out in their old age! You sound amazing and to be fair, do does your daughter. The fact that she wants to raise her child and not terminate or give up for adoption is a testament to your good parenting.

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 16:35

The fact that she wants to raise her child and not terminate or give up for adoption is a testament to your good parenting.

WTF @AliceMaforethought

Thehop · 22/11/2025 16:39

Just regarding childminding

you don't need to register to offer free care to a grandchild.

if you were doing it to claim funding, you aren't allowed to claim funding for relatives as a childminder.

they would be able to use funding from the term after the babies 9 months old with another registered provider.

AliceMaforethought · 22/11/2025 16:40

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 16:35

The fact that she wants to raise her child and not terminate or give up for adoption is a testament to your good parenting.

WTF @AliceMaforethought

It's true. There is no way I would have gone ahead with a pregnancy at that (or any!) age, and that is partly because I don't have the best relationship with my parents. They gave me a very flawed model.

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 16:45

AliceMaforethought · 22/11/2025 16:40

It's true. There is no way I would have gone ahead with a pregnancy at that (or any!) age, and that is partly because I don't have the best relationship with my parents. They gave me a very flawed model.

Show quote history

You didn’t have children at 18, 28, 38…. Ever.

Because you didn’t want to?
and / or
Because you were concerned you wouldn’t be able to parent well because you had such a poor example yourself?

nothing to do with equating the OP’s child not choosing to terminate and good parenting

AliceMaforethought · 22/11/2025 16:47

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 16:45

You didn’t have children at 18, 28, 38…. Ever.

Because you didn’t want to?
and / or
Because you were concerned you wouldn’t be able to parent well because you had such a poor example yourself?

nothing to do with equating the OP’s child not choosing to terminate and good parenting

Show quote history

Both, but a lot of not wanting was being patented poorly. I genuinely think the OP has made her daughter feel very safe, which is good. I don't know why you are objecting to my complimenting the OP.
I'm 42 and have terminated 2 pregnancies.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/11/2025 16:48

@thatgirlwhocakes222 - when ds1 was in Year 2, he was friends with a boy whose parents were both teenagers when he was born - he was a lovely boy and they were wonderful parents. I am sure that, with your support and your great example, your dd and her boyfriend can do as well or even better.

I do think you have every right to say you will be a supportive granny, but that you also deserve to have a life too, and that they are the parents.

I am a granny - but a much older one (I turn 61 next month) and being a granny is wonderful - I have three granddaughters - one is 3 and the twins are 9 months. I love being a doting granny, but am happy to support my ds and his wife as they parent.

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 16:51

AliceMaforethought · 22/11/2025 16:47

Both, but a lot of not wanting was being patented poorly. I genuinely think the OP has made her daughter feel very safe, which is good. I don't know why you are objecting to my complimenting the OP.
I'm 42 and have terminated 2 pregnancies.

Edited
Show quote history

You are seeing termination and adoption as indicative of poor parenting

AliceMaforethought · 22/11/2025 16:54

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 16:51

You are seeing termination and adoption as indicative of poor parenting

Show quote history

And you are looking for offense
Give it a rest.

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 16:57

AliceMaforethought · 22/11/2025 16:54

And you are looking for offense
Give it a rest.

Show quote history

ok so you don’t equate poor parenting with termination or adoption

That is a relief!

NimbleDreamer · 22/11/2025 17:00

She shouldn't have left her job because she is pregnant, no matter what the contract says. Pregnancy is a protected characteristic and her employers would not be allowed to make her leave the job due to pregnancy. Firstly they would have to make reasonable adjustments or move her to a different role. If that can't be done then they would have to suspend her from her role but still pay her a salary while she is pregnant. They can't just fire her or force her to leave because she is pregnant.

She is very naive to have done that and so are you for not informing her otherwise.

As she has already left it would be worth contacting citizens advice as the employment contract is unlawful, and if it went to a tribunal she would very likely be successful and given her job back.

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 17:03

NimbleDreamer · 22/11/2025 17:00

She shouldn't have left her job because she is pregnant, no matter what the contract says. Pregnancy is a protected characteristic and her employers would not be allowed to make her leave the job due to pregnancy. Firstly they would have to make reasonable adjustments or move her to a different role. If that can't be done then they would have to suspend her from her role but still pay her a salary while she is pregnant. They can't just fire her or force her to leave because she is pregnant.

She is very naive to have done that and so are you for not informing her otherwise.

As she has already left it would be worth contacting citizens advice as the employment contract is unlawful, and if it went to a tribunal she would very likely be successful and given her job back.

100% this

usedtobeaylis · 22/11/2025 17:03

She's the only one who can make her life, she's an adult. She's got parents who love and will support her and that will go a long way in itself. It sounds like you've overall done a good job raising her, accidents happen and she's making the best of it.

Newsenmum · 22/11/2025 17:06

I can understand that that this is incredibly hard for you but I would also see it as a big
compliment to you that she is doing so well snd she sees this child so positively. NOT that terminating would mean the opposite! Just that she seems so content and has her head screwed on. And that’s ok. She’s pregnant and she’s dealing with it.

Smoggy1 · 22/11/2025 17:07

I had a friend at University, when I was doing my teacher training. She first got pregnant at 13. Her Catholic school kicked her out for being pregnant and she didn't get any GCSEs. She went on to have 3 more children with her boyfriend (they're not together anymore, but still get on and she's been with her current partner for quite a long time now). Her boyfriend was about 18 months older, so when he turned 18 they travelled around Europe with him doing bar work. She picked up work she could as well. They spent a bit of time in Germany and all but the youngest speak fluent German. They moved back to the UK, and once all 4 were into secondary school, she did her English and Maths GCSEs, did a Higher Education Access Course, then a History and Politics Degree at the local uni, then a Master's, then was doing a PGCE with me. Her eldest daughter was doing her Education BA at the same university when she was doing her PGCE. She has a huge amount of drive. It wasn't ideal to have a baby at 13/14 by any stretch of the imagination, but she always said if she hadn't had kids until her 20s, she probably would have scraped through get GCSEs and not done much else with her life. Honestly, she's one of the most inspiring people I've ever met.

Newsenmum · 22/11/2025 17:09

I actually find it sad so many posters thing having a child at 19 is the worst thing in the world and a recipe for a doomed life. Everyone is different. She’d not necessarily be happier just because she terminated.

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/11/2025 17:14

OP, she's not a child (I know to you she is - but many of us left home at 18, if only to go to university and had to navigate life on our own for the most part).

My Mum was pregnant at 18 and had my elder brother at just 19 - her mum had died when she was 13, so she had no guidance at all on being a mother. You daughter has you as what sounds to me like a superb role model!

My mum's first grandchild was born when my brother was 22, so she was only a bit older than you. She was a fantastic grandma to all her grandchildren (she has 4, the oldest and youngest being 25 years apart), much better than she was as a mother, if I'm being honest!

As others have said - be on hand to guide and advise, but don't take over. I can see that you don't want your daughter to give up work and I think you're right. But if she wants to, gently encourage her to pick up some part time work at least when the time seems right, to keep her skills, cv, etc going.

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 17:14

The fact she jacked in her job without seemingly making any enquiries and not even telling the OP… is concerning

jools85 · 22/11/2025 17:18

You don't have to be a registered childminder to look after a grandchild

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 17:19

jools85 · 22/11/2025 17:18

You don't have to be a registered childminder to look after a grandchild

You do if the parent wants to claim back child care costs

Blarghism · 22/11/2025 17:20

I know how you feel! I became a grandmother at the age of 42! And I'm autistic too so the urge to control is so strong. you do just have to step back tho.

You and I know that brining up children is hard when you're on the spectrum but we did it. As long as we did a good job with our kids, they can do it too.

Original poster
thatgirlwhocakes222 · 22/11/2025 17:24

Hi for context ... she was working a high risk job in residential with high risk adults with mental health and disabilities. It was the norm for all the staff to be verbally abused, assaulted, stabbed .. daily .
she is only 18 and her asd was made significantly worse because she was coming home after 12 hour shifts petrified. No one should have to work in these conditions. The managers of this residential were clueless and it was starting to be under investigation . We told her to come away . Told her to do it properly with email ect and explain the reasons . She was on £2k a month and for an 18 year old living at home that's a lot of disposable income that I was teaching her and her boyfriend who is the manager of a restaurant to put aside 3k a month between them for a mortgage deposit.

she is now waiting to start another job that's less risk .

Hope this explains everything.

the week after she left she found out about the pregnancy

OP posts:
Cornthin · 22/11/2025 17:26

thatgirlwhocakes222 · 22/11/2025 17:24

Hi for context ... she was working a high risk job in residential with high risk adults with mental health and disabilities. It was the norm for all the staff to be verbally abused, assaulted, stabbed .. daily .
she is only 18 and her asd was made significantly worse because she was coming home after 12 hour shifts petrified. No one should have to work in these conditions. The managers of this residential were clueless and it was starting to be under investigation . We told her to come away . Told her to do it properly with email ect and explain the reasons . She was on £2k a month and for an 18 year old living at home that's a lot of disposable income that I was teaching her and her boyfriend who is the manager of a restaurant to put aside 3k a month between them for a mortgage deposit.

she is now waiting to start another job that's less risk .

Hope this explains everything.

the week after she left she found out about the pregnancy

shes already got another job? Why didn’t you mention in op!

and no matter the type of job, she needn’t have left. Could have stayed and got maternity pay if offered by employer

CopeNorth · 22/11/2025 17:27

I don’t have any advice but you sound like a great Mum. I guess it’s just time to enjoy the new family member now the shock is over! x