13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

I don't know what to say after reading this:

"Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun."

This was the time to have nipped it right in the bud; no 13-year-old child needs a "first boyfriend" or that sort of "fun." You re-direct their attention to something else and make rules about dating. I know people who weren't allowed to date until they were 16 or 17! Let alone have a 'boyfriend.'

Let alone a troubled, clingy, needy 15-year-old who's in the foster sytem.

Do you always react in this way?
Your dd is not responsible for your feelings on this, and you have hugely overreacted to this.
Sure it’s really not ideal, but your reaction has made it a huge problem and that’s not ok. Your poor dd.

Your feelings are valid but you are going to have to temper them.

Had you spoken to her about sex before this relationship? When concerning comments were made, did you have a chat to her about peer pressure?

Focusing on what to do now is important.

The horse has bolted on under age sex. I would rather my 13 and 15 yo DC didn't have sex. I would allow my oldest (18 yo) to have longer term partners staying over.

I would not react like this. This is probably the straw that broke the camels back. Take care op.

Im sorry op but you handled this very badly. You over reacted, you humiliated her, you threatened her, you'll have achieved pushing her to him and away from you. You've made this about you when she is a child. She is not responsible for your feelings. She is obviously looking for connection and attention away from the home because it is lacking in her primary attachments. You need to do some serious damage control, build up connection with her, unconditional love and support. She needs therapy as well.

WTH is wrong with you? The debt youve incurred providing for her? Debt free when shes 18? Wow just wow

Your 13 year old needs you. I understand how horrified you are by her having sex but she's a child and needs you to be there for her. That doesn't mean pretending it's all OK or hiding all your upset but showing her you still love her. By saying this has changed your relationship the poor kid must feel so alone and scared. She might not have even consented to the sex.

Go to her and tell her you shouldn't have blown up at her and say you love her and will sort this out together. Otherwise you may lose your dd forever.

Good lord. This poor child.

Sorry @Completelydevastated but you have some part in this as well allowing this relationship. The comments the boy made prior to the event showed you that he was intending on having sex with her. That's when you should have put a stop to their relationship and talked to his foster parents.

Now try to breath. Your daughter was a willing participant I take it so no sexual abuse. She's on the pill so highly unlikely pregnant. What is important is for you to reassure your daughter that you love her and that your reaction was due to worrying about her.

Your daughter sees a psychiatrist but you would benefit with some counselling as well which would be beneficial to your relationship with your daughter. Now this: the majority of teens will say they hate their parents at some point (to their face or to friends). This is normal because puberty make emotions run high and parents need to be the steady lighthouses that their emotional waves can thrust against knowing that we will always stand there loving them.

Op is not coming back.

Nobody is condoning anything. But it's happened now, and OP's hysteria isn't going to help her DD going forward.

As she is on the pill, the likelihood of her being pregnant is very small. Calm down and stop making a huge drama out of this. What on earth were you thinking of telling her a granade has gone off in your family and your relationship has changed forever?? Great way to make sure she never tells you anything again... Calm down and deal with it like the rational adult I am sure you are.

Get an appointment with the sexual health clinic or your GP for her. You could either wait in the waiting room while she talks to the dr or nurse or if she agrees, go in with her, explain your concerns (chance of pregnancy, STIs, being too young) then leave and let the health professional do their job and have a sensible non judgemental discussion with her. They will discuss contraception with her but will also be trained to ask about the social side of thing and check she’s not being coerced. Getting her used to accessing sexual health care on her own will give her power and knowledge in her relationship and any future relationships. If she’s been taking the pill reliably it’s extremely unlikely she’s pregnant. If she’s unreliable they will discuss better options. And it is a good idea for her to be using condoms as well to protect against STIs and lower the odds of pregnancy even more. These can be prescribed so there’s no worry about paying for them or embarrassment about buying them in the supermarket.
Her world isn’t going to collapse because of this. She’s young, it’s not ideal, and I understand why you’re concerned about her boyfriend being two years older and in care but really, it’s not the end of the world. A supportive family behind her goes a long way to keeping out of danger and if her boyfriend’s foster parents seem caring and responsible that’s a big plus too. There may be some teasing at school but she really won’t be the only one in year level who is already having sex so it won’t be interesting gossip for very long.

You have handled this in the worst way possible.

Christ on a bike - poor girl has mental health problems, and you have now totally destroyed any trust she had in you. She confided in you, and you have retaliated like this. I am appalled by what you have done.

Unbelievable.

You need to calm down and get a grip. Your family isn’t ruined , your daughter is very unlikely to be pregnant.

Hold on that last paragraph you seem to blame her for debt and you want to walk away is awful

it isn’t the greatest thing in the world but you know parenting plays a part and your attitude is way over the top

I understand that you must be shaken and upset OP and it is shocking that your DD has had sex but you need to calm down, put a lid on the hysterics and guide her gently through this at first. Apologise for speaking to her the way you did and explain that it was wrong and due to shock and your love for her. Take her to get emergency contraceptive and screened for STD's.
It is highly unlikely that she is pregnant but you know she is not then you can work on explaining the risks of underage sex, build her confidence back up and put firm boundaries in place with this unsuitable relationship with the boy.
It may have been a wake up call.

WTH is wrong with you? The debt youve incurred providing for her? Debt free when shes 18? Wow just wow

Sorry OP but you really HAVE made this all about you. How about asking your daughter how she feels, confirming she consented, explaining your concerns calmly, taking her for the morning after pill.
I feel there's more going on in your and DD's relationship. You mention, for example, debt as a result of supporting her. It sounds like you may be a bit resentful of her.
This is time to put aside how you feel and make this all about her. Be the parent she needs, and show her some unconditional love. This is such a momentous moment in her life - the way you react now is something she'll remember for many years.

Fucking hell OP go for a walk or something.

Your daughter felt safe enough to tell you and you just threw that privilege out to sea. Dude some hard work needed on your part.

This isn't the end of the world. Give yourself a slap, calm tf down, apologise to your bairn and try to pretend you're an adult with a hold on yourself.

You really need to apologise to her for your reaction. Telling her what she did would change your relationship is awful. She will remember that forever and may never come to you again about anything. And her MH will suffer the consequences.

Please apologise to her and repair your relationship.

The rant you had at your daughter should have been something you and your husband said to each other away from your daughter. You could rant and rave all you wanted away from her. I understand you’re scared, shocked, angry etc but you did handle this wrongly. Apologise to her and be honest and say that you were in shock. You need to keep open communication with her. This is what’s at risk here now is you losing your relationship with her. And now isn’t the time in her life where you want to lose the open communication and trust.

This.

I feel for you and it is no doubt shocking but but things like

she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family

And telling her it will change your relationship / how you see her etc. is just not on.

You need to calm down amd get a grip.
You cant go down this road.
Whats done is done

She a child who wasnt properly supervised by you despite your concerns. You made a mistake and she made a mistake, it was probably awful and shes vulnerable and upset.
she may well not be pregnant.
If she is you cross that bridge when you come to it.

Do you have mental health problems? What do you mean you would walk away from your whole family (if it weren’t for debts) because your 13 year old had sex? You sound like you need help with keeping things in perspective. Yes it’s disappointing and upsetting but abandoning your whole family over it sounds a bit insane.

"Our relationship will never be the same"

Jesus. Dramatic much? What a thing to say to your daughter.

Agree with pp that you've made this all about you.

But hey, at least she's slim.