13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

I'd be upset and worried too, but your job as a parent is be calm, and support your child especially when they're vulnerable, and try to ensure they're safe.
Not start thinking about abandoning your child!

OP your reaction is very strange. Teenagers always have sex - if they use protection (get her on the implant.if you don't think she'll take the pill reliably) and stress to her she needs to use condoms, that's all you need to do.

I actually feel quite sorry for your DD and the boy, he's a child too and sounds like a troubled one, and you went to his foster carers house to shout at him?!

Yes- your feelings are understandable.

No -you should not be showing them to your child in this way.

Time to 'woman-up' and deal with the actual challenges of the situation and not those that have not yet happened.

I think that in the future you will be glad to look back on being kind and practical and loving. You will be sorry for ways in which you made the whole situation even worse!

Don't 'catastrophise' in front of your child even if this is your reaction in private.

She probably told you because deep down part of her was not okay with it and she felt it was too soon so she told you so that you could put the boundary in place for her as she felt unable to, maybe she felt pressured by him. She came to you and told you because she loves and trusts you and instead of being there for her and reassuring her that it will be okay you are thinking about yourself and how hurt you are. She is a scared 13 year old girl out of her depth who is now facing the whole school knowing what happened. Some of how she is responding to you is bravado, some lack of understanding of the consequences because she is so young. She hasn't thrown a grenade into your family, she is still your daughter who needs you and you are still a family. I am not sure what the relevance of you financially providing for her is, she is your child that is your role as her parent, why would you even consider walking away from her when she needs you most?

Find out your local school nursing service number and get them in contact with her, they can advise on where locally does pregnancy and STI testing for 13 year olds locally, although she is low risk. I would also speak to the school safeguarding lead because they need to know if he is in her school, they can also advise you. Be prepared that social services may contact you because he is a foster child and his social worker will have been informed by the foster parents, they will likely phone you to offer support.

She is very likely not pregnant if she's taken her pill properly. I don't know why you had to drive back. Why did you not get her a pregancy test if it was a few weeks ago, then you would know straight away? It is upsetting and disappointing but at least she's told you. Loads of girls have sex underage and don't tell their parents. Don't push her away. Have a serious conversation about how her life would change forever if she was pregnant and she needs to be sensible in future. Your comments about her body issues are a bit disturbing. You do realise eating disorders are serious mental health disorders. It's not someone just thinking they are fat. I find this rather offensive as a mother of a child with anorexia. They aren't doing it to piss you off!! And being beautiful had f all to do with having mental health issues. Why are you saying you would walk away from your child? Agree with pp it's not about you she is a child, a child who's made a bad decision and she's got mental health issues so she needs your support. Get her a pregnancy test and go from there.

OP, kindly, do you have anxiety problems yourself? Your thinking on this feels very out of proportion and you are catastrophising.

If she is taking oral contraception it is very very unlikely she is pregnant. People take these for decades without fail.

It is understandable you feel devastated and concerned. But these are your feelings, and as the parent you need to contain these feelings and focus on supporting your daughter. You want her to learn from this and be able to step back and make better decisions for herself- overwhelming her with emotion and judgement is going to have the opposite effect. You do not want to encourage impulsivity which is what you are likely to be doing.

I'd strongly suggest giving her a cuddle apologising for your reaction and listening to how she feels about this.

Ok, 2 things.

1. As PP have said, you need to make the school aware, tomorrow. Two reasons really - to make sure the two of them don’t decide to run away together and secondly, to head off any bullying, and there will be bullying - about her losing her virginity.

2. I’m assuming she’s also on medication that could affect the reliability of the pill. If that is the case, it’s probably too late for the morning after pill but the GP or local family planning might be able to offer alternative suggestions.

Next, take a step back. Yes. Really. Firstly she doesn’t hate you - she trusted you enough to tell you what had happened. It has blown up (& tbh I think I’d have done the same had my DD said that to me) but you now need to deal with practicalities.

How will you enforce the no-contact rule (& without making it seem like a romeo & juliet situation?

How will you help her deal with the fallout at school, especially if ‘her whole year group knows? Or the inevitable SS interview if
if the foster parents report this to the boy’s SW (which they will have to) who will then have to do a follow up - and which could lead to consequences other than just a pregnancy/abortion, not least a criminal record for the lad.

I’m assuming she’s also had mental health counselling for her earlier issues, can you get them back on board and quickly in case she tries to OD again

And lastly, would family therapy help you to find a way through it that keeps some part of your family group together?

It is shit, you do get to scream and shout, And she has just started a total shit show. But you have to keep telling her you still love her even though you want to throttle her and him so she doesn’t feel so unwanted and unloved that she tries something daft, in whatever form that might be.

If she’s on the pill it’s very unlikely she’s pregnant so all this ‘we could be dealing with a pregnancy’ is a bit ridiculous at this stage.

Your dd will do what she wants and your reaction makes it more likely that now she will hide it from you. I would be devastated if I thought my 13 year old was having sex especially in these circumstances, so I don’t blame you for that. But your reaction was completely counter productive.

You are also correct to worry about the relationship with this boy which sounds very unhealthy but again, your reaction will make them more determined to villainise you and find a way to see each other. You need to let the dust settle and then have a very open but calm conversation with her without going mad.

What is OD that she commited....does she has proper mental health support....what is it that makes her so unhappy

Christ you’ve handled this badly OP.
What a way to push her away from you!

Shes not the first 13 year old to have sex and she won’t be the last. What you should have done is kept your cool, explained the possible consequences that you need to sort with her- morning after pill etc
Then kept that door open so you could talk about this and the implications of her older boyfriend having sex with a minor, risk of STDs, not being emotionally ready…

You have made this all about you and your family and the impact on you and your family. You need to calm down and start thinking rationally before you push your daughter away and lose complete control of her.

you need to set her on the correct path.
somehow or other

Genuinely puzzled by your reaction here OP. Virginity isn’t regarded as a precious treasure by our society as it was in the past. Clearly it’s undesirable to have sex when immature and underage but lots of teens do. You going ballistic in this way is likely to make her behaviour and mental health worse with the added bonus that she won’t bother confiding in you. Her school year knows? Doesn’t matter. Spend some time talking to someone you trust about this and then try building some bridges with your girl. I have two adult daughters so not talking out of my arse here.

Does she have anyone less hysterical to talk to?

You need to stop the massive overreaction and try and rebuild your relationship. She is never going to tell you anything again. Of course it’s not great that she had sex at 13 but it’s really not the end of the world.

Does she have another adult she can talk to? Someone detached like a teacher she trusts? It’s just concerning if she’s already struggling with her mental health deal with the losing her virginity and the huge family overreaction. I would personally be doing a lot of reassuring that you love her as much as you always have done and even though you’re angry you don’t love her any less.

I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her

What the actual ever loving fuck?!

Be devastated by all means but your reaction is vile and so harmful. Why would she be pregnant if she's on the pill to start with? Why will this change your relationship? Why are you hurt? She's a child - a mentally unwell child in a coercive and harmful relationship with another damaged child and she's made a mistake but you're doing everything completely wrong in response. What do you hope to achieve by your reaction?

Please be there for her, otherwise she won't come to you next time. Have you considered that she may have been raped? At that age many girls would not recognise being coerced.

Whilst I agree I would be far from
happy about this I think you’ve handled it all wrong. The fact she told you about this herself was such a good thing for her to do and your reaction means she probably won’t confide in you again. It’s a tricky area to navigate but cutting the weekend short and telling her your relationship is now not the same seems abit cruel and counterproductive

What's done is done, and it's how you handle it that matters.

Apologise to her for flying off the handle and saying things you didn't mean - you were shocked and frightened but will always love her and always have her back. She's a child still.

The boyfriend is probably as fragile as she is - this doesn't excuse him or make him a safe person, but if she believes she loves him you'll drive her towards him by making him the (your) enemy - Romeo and Juliet narratives always appeal to emotionally fragile teenagers.

Your comment at the end about trapped by debt until 2028 because of supporting your 13 year old child poses more questions than it answers but does suggest that you already resented her - What's that about?

Your child needs her mother's support - she's 13, not 23 so it's very much still time to focus on her and put yourselves as parents second.

How has she had mental health problems since she was 6? Was she abused? Did she witness something? That's too young to have happened without a trigger.

Why do her school mates think she’s pregnant when she was on the pill. How do they know she had unprotected sex and why do you think she’s pregnant when she’s on the pill.
Is she autistic or ADHD?
13 isn’t unusual for first sexual experiences and losing virginity. It’s not ideal but you really have blown this hugely out of proportion. I feel sorry for her.

Of course she doesn't realise what she could have "done to your family". She's 13!

As PPs have said, stop making this all about you. No wonder she shut down.

Take some deep breaths, maybe some counselling for yourself.

If she is as vulnerable as you make out she needs sympathy and guidance, and if the boy is as bad as you think you should report it as rape. It's really not a 'your world collapsed' problem, it seems very unlikely she could be pregnant although obviously get a test, it is something that needs addressing, she is very young to be sexually active.

I agree I feel so sorry for this poor girl and her mum shaking her like that.

I can see why she is reacting the way she is and I can see why she's chosen to have sex in a very unsafe way, I very much acted the same way when my mum lost her shit and I never trusted her again, I couldn't speak to her because of how she reacted as it was safer not to and to take my chances of her not finding out. Some things she found out, some things she doesn't know to this day. You saying the family is falling apart because a 13 year old had sex is a massive overreaction and guess what? Thats not true actually your reaction will be what ruins the family especially the relationship between you and DD. Telling her she can't see the lad won't help either, they will find a way behind your back and if it isn't him it will be someone else.

I get why you are upset OP any parent would be at their child having sex at 13 but your reaction won't help your DD, it pushes her away. Best thing you can do right now is apologise to your DD for your behaviour, speak to her about safety and become a safe space (a parent a child can be open and honest so they don't feel the need to take the risky path). You actually remind me alot of my mum which is why I really hope you can take people's comments on board and adjust your approach before it's too late.

Ok - deep breath. I’m speaking from a place of experience. My daughter had very significant MH problems at 13, and lost her virginity at that age. O was devastated, but what i did was accompany her to the SH Clinic to get her some long term contraception, and so that she could speak to a nurse.
i was hurt, and of all the things that happened at that time, it was this one that made me feel the worst. I realised that she would do it no matter what I tried, so I decided to work with her, not against her.
I know you just want to wrap your girl in cotton wool, but you need to be realistic. You’ll push her away otherwise. I’m not saying you have to facilitate her having an intimate relationship, but you have to recognise that you can’t change what’s already happened, but your actions now will decide what she does next.
sending you love OP

She’s on the pill already!