13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

The person you responded to was totally valid and you overreacted here. Christ.

You sound like you have extreme and archaic views on sex. How have you got to the advanced age you are, clearly sexually active yourself, yet are this naive and ignorant to teenagers having sex?

I’m in my 20s and went to school last decade, people at school were definitely having sex back then. It’s not ideal, but ultimately it’s not new or rare. As a parent you’re supposed to pivot to these challenges and remain focused on your child’s wellbeing. Sex is a basic human function, with a biological purpose, is it really that strange that your child had a coming of age moment? You should be supporting her in making her trust you, encouraging her to have safe sex as opposed to the unsafe sex she’s currently having, and to tackle the school bullying.

The way you have responded has totally humiliated your daughter and will make her feel shameful about having sex for the rest of her life. That was probably what you wanted to achieve, so well done. But in 40 years when you look back on a life having no grandchildren or no relationships with those grandchildren and an estranged relationship with your daughter, you won’t have anyone to blame but yourself. It will be a lonely existence that you have caused yourself unfortunately.

lost her virginity?
It's not a nice way to speak about your young teenage daughter, in real life or online.

I'm surprised a 12 or newly 13 year old was diagnosed with endometriosis.

She seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family
It's not really about you and you don't even know if she is pregnant? Very unlikely if taking contraception.

But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.
I can't make mush sense of this. You want to walk away from your dd?

<confused>

Do you always catastrophise like this? I feel very sorry for your DD having to deal with you on top of everything else.

Hello, I am a horrific teen mother. I was 16 when I had DS. I am still with the father, we’re married and had two more kids (much, much later). We’ve been together 18 years now. When I met him he was in foster care too. Your daughter is extremely unlikely to be pregnant in this scenario. The world hasn’t ended because she has had sex, just like my parents world didn’t end when I had sex. If you force her to end the relationship, she will just continue seeing him and probably not be so careful. Keep the communication open with her, and don’t freak out about whatever she tells you because she will just stop telling you. I would recommend getting her the implant or the coil.

To go to his house and shout and want him to feel your devastation is extremely dramatic, and also extremely irresponsible. He does not give a fuck, he’s 15. This is not a grenade, this is a teenager having sex. If your relationship with your daughter is changed by this then you need to rethink who you are as a mother. My parents were quite upset about me getting pregnant, but they supported me regardless and we’re still extremely close. If they hadn’t have been supportive, god knows where I’d be now. But because they supported both me and DH, we have a very lovely life with 3 very lovely children. Why would you walk away from your life just because you child has had sex?! You need to calm down.

Oh and by the way, when people in my teen years started equivocate my attractiveness with my slimness, I developed an eating disorder that I still struggle with today

Why do you think she might be pregnant? Is she not taking the pill properly? It is 99% effective when taken correctly.
When did she have sex? It may not be too late for the morning after pill.
She needs an STI check but assume you have that planned already.
Take a deep breath. You have spent a long time building this relationship up, she has confided in you and you have lost it with her. Her saying there was no relationship is a reaction to your reaction. She does not hate you: she’s a complex 13 year old girl. She is going to make mistakes- some big ones. It must be very hard dealing with everything you’ve had thrown at you along the way but showing anger right now is not the way. She felt that you were her safe person to confide in- despite everything, you’re succeeding and doing the most important part of being a mum. You can get this back.

Tbh this sounds like it's dug up some buried shit about your own childhood and early teens. You might want to examine why you've overreacted to the extent you have and why you see your bairn as a debt.

I read this and despair. What mother allows their 13yo to have a boyfriend? Be a mother for crying out loud.

I hope you're reading the replies and taking them on board. It will be your reaction that does the most damage to DD (and your relationship) if you don't stop with the hyperbole and calm right down.
I agree with the majority of PP and unless your DD stole your life savings, she is in no way responsible for your debt, even if that money was spent on her.
She doesn't need punishment and embarrassment, just your love and support.

She doesn’t need the morning after pill if she’s been reliably taking the contraceptive pill. If she’s missed pills or if there are other factors to consider like medication that might interfere with the pill or recent episodes of vomiting then a pharmacist will be able to tell her whether or not the morning after pill might be useful in her case.

You must know how your reaction would have impacted your DD, if her MH was already poor, why would you act that way?!

Get her STI checked ASAP. Even if he was telling the truth about being a virgin, you don’t need to have intercourse to transmit an STI.

Do you react like this to her usually? I fully understand you’re in a bad place and probably stressed to fuck but I do have to say your behaviour won’t be helping. You sound extremely resentful of her, it’s like you’re expecting her to have adult responses and adult understanding while not really demonstrating them yourself.

She’s confided in you and you’ve had a massive reaction and gone straight to catastrophising, saying she’s ripping your family apart and that you’d leave her if you could. I mean this kindly op but do you have any MH issues yourself because this as a reaction seems really extreme, yes being worried about potential pregnancy is a valid thing, being worried about stds is valid too, did you sit and have a discussion with her once you knew she had a boyfriend and had heard him say house things about abortions? You say she didn’t give any consideration to stds but have you, as a responsible parent made sure she understands those risks when you knew your mentally unwell child was in a relationship with a very troubled 15 year old boy. A lot of parents are naive and don’t have these talks because they can’t possibly imagine they 13 year old would be sexually active, it’s even more important that parents have these discussions when they MH and background makes them very vulnerable. Or they’re naive and think because they aren’t in house alone together then it’s not possible.

Did you not speak to the foster parents when you’d heard him talking about her getting pregnant? That would have been the best time to do that so that his foster parents can speak to him and you speak to your own child.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I think you are making it a huge issue and it doesn’t have to be. Being angry is not going to change the fact she had sex. She came to you and told you and you blew up about it. She’s a child and so is this lad.
If she is on the pill it’s unlikely she’s pregnant, if she is (which I doubt it) then she can have an early abortion, it’s not a huge deal and of done early it’s as simple as taking a couple pills.

You need to calm down, give her a big hug and tell her that everything’s going to be ok…..because as parents that is what we do.

But she told you because she trusted you. Then you overreacted. She may have been regretting it and needing your support. Did it trigger you? It’s not great but she didn’t kill anyone. A lot of teenage girls have sex because they want love. Unlikely she is pregnant she is on the pill please try and calm down. How would it ruin your relationship that’s a ridiculous thing to say/think she is a child. In this country consent is 16 which is probably to young, many kids will be doing it younger unfortunately.

Your daughter confided in you and you have reacted in a way thatt has almost certainly ensured that she will never share any vulnerability with you ever agan.

As PP have said, you need to calm down.
if she’s on the pill, it’s highly unlikely she would be pregnant, so stop saying that. Also the only reason the “whole school” would know that would be if she was telling them all, in which case on her head be it. Your finishing statement saying that you’re “wondering why I’m still here” and if you weren’t in debt then you would “walk away” (from your 13 year old?) makes me hope that your daughter isn’t aware of these feelings, as that surely won’t help her own apparent MH issues at her tender age.

“she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family”

“her family is falling apart”

Why be so dramatic? Is that helping anyone? She’s had sex, not murdered someone!

Yes, I would be very disappointed if my DD lost her virginity at 13 but the way to deal with it is through calm communication, not complete over-reaction.

It’s very unlikely she’s pregnant if on the pill and taking it properly. And even if she is, she can have an abortion, like she says. Not great, but not devastating.

Personally, I think your reaction has done more damage to your family unit than your DD losing her virginity at 13 has.

I'm sorry im I missing something here wtf a child at this age really never in my dreams im a mother of 3 children would i be bloody happy about any of mine having sex at this age or even in a relationship to be allowed to get to this stage call me old fashion but wtf is going on here ,my youngest is a also a vulnerable child at 13 but sorry there's no excuse for this i don't understand this at all

Ok it’s shit. No one would be thrilled about this but you can make it so much worse or try and salvage the relationship so she still trusts you and comes to you. You’ll need to hope she’s been taking the pill properly, in which case she is very unlikely to be pregnant. Stress to her the importance of using condoms next time to avoid pregnancy plus STI’s. But being angry and saying she can’t see this boy anymore is going to make her hate you! You need her to want to come to you and talk to you.
I am sure she reacted in the heat of the moment and if you try and calm down, it will help!

Absolutely this

I don't think you could have reacted much worse tbh.

You do not know he has targeted her. You do not know how close to 14 the daughter is, nor how far over 15 he is. There could be barely a year between them. A 15 year old in foster care is also an incredibly vulnerable child, who also needs to support and understanding. Who may have been previously exposed to all sorts of horrors and be doing nothing more than looking for someone to actually care about him. Children do not end up in a foster environment unless their family of origin has significant problems of its own.

@Completelydevastated
Your anger with her is completely misplaced.
You are blaming your child for ripping your family apart.
You told her your relationship with her has changed.
🤦‍♀️

Please get yourself into counselling.
Get separate counselling for your daughter.

I agree your making it all about you.

And im sorry 6/7 year olds shouldn't have mental health issues, they live in a world where everything is a fairytail so you need to have a look at yourself I'm afraid. Your poor daughter

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/advice-for-families/healthy-relationships/

There's some great advice on this site op