13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

Totally get you are upset - who wouldn’t be? But she has shared this with you as her safe adult.
maybe she regrets it / doesn’t want to do it again.
or maybe she just thought you should know and you have blown it up.
I don’t know why you keep saying she could be pregnant she’s on the pill so unlikely- no one walks around saying they could be pregnant after having safe sex. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be upset but you are focussing on the wrong things

The police wouldn’t care less about a 13yr old and a 15yr old having sex. Even if he was 16.

And before you bang on about statutory rape, actually look it up

In case anyone believes this nonsense, here is research confirming that average age of motherhood over the past 250,000 years is mid 20s. It’s never been normal to have a baby at 13. It’s physically and mentally very dangerous because the body hasn’t developed fully. In the past, most girls wouldn’t have started their periods at 13 so definitely would not be having babies.

www.openaccessgovernment.org/average-age-of-conception-throughout-human-history/151423/

Hard hard agree.

I suspect very few of us ‘condone’ what has happened.
I would be horrified and heartbroken if this was my child.
But I hope, that if it ever did, I would handle it more gently than the OP appears to have done.
Most posters are having issues with the way the DD has been spoken to and treated. It’s unlikely that the was she has reacted is going to lead to positive outcomes for her daughter or their relationship.
As I said previously my main concern would be that she has been coerced or forced.

I was a teacher at a girls school. It’s not as rare as you might like to believe.

It’s not about being blasé, it’s about reacting in an appropriate manner to not push an already mentally fragile young teenager even further into making bad decisions.

Your hyper focus on pregnancy after sex one time, while on the pill, is off. As is you saying “of course” the whole year group knows she might be pregnant. What’s really going on here? Do you have a teen pregnancy in your history somewhere?

I agree with pp: any mother would be devastated that a 13yo girl has had sex. It’s too young, even if there aren’t pre-existing MH problems. But your reaction as you yourself have described it is pretty shocking: you need to be a parent here. She needs you. You’re utterly preoccupied with how her actions reflect on you and affect the family. She IS your family. Where is your empathy and understanding of her? She’s 13. Get a grip of yourself and take care of her, nurture her, support her, love her, look after her, care for her. You’re casting her out when she needs to be reels back in. This isn’t a situation where punishment is required. Quite the opposite.

Do you actually believe that self esteem issues have anything AT ALL to do with how you look?

You need to educate yourself before you do your DD some serious damage.
The fact that she’s slim and attractive shouldn’t invalidate the way she’s feeling.
If you’ve ever told her to ‘stop being silly’ or anything similar, then you really are the problem.

She wasn’t emotionally mature enough to have an older boyfriend. What were you thinking allowing this?

But…. You have over reacted. Yes she is far, far too young to be having sex. She can’t see him anymore and she must get a pregnancy test.

but you must also put this into perspective. She is the same child she was before - there is no grenade into your family. She needs support not judgement.

Reacting to her having sex is one thing - that is appropriate. She is vulnerable, this is not a good thing.

But you really need to get over the 'virginity' thing. Virginity is a meaningless social construct.

Calm down , take a big deep breath and change your whole demeaned towards her.
shes a child, 13, like my own son so know how things go. My DD also has MH issues and what you need to do is completely support her, she’s a scared kid, needing help. Is she autistic?
highly unlikely she’s pregnant if she’s on the pill, but have you spoken to the pharmacist? You can get the MAP.
above all you need to turn this around and put her into the heart if her parents again, she’s likely behaving like this as she’s scared - good luck

"worried I would spoil her fun" - seriously?

I'm sorry op, you have handled this very badly from the beginning and your reaction now is making things a million times worse. She has poor mental health. She is making poor decisions. She confided in you. By reacting to her disclosure with anger you are ensuring that she will never confide in you again.

Step back from the situation, calm down and compose yourself before you do or say anything else.

The way you talk about your she sounds like an incredible vulnerable child and you seem totally out of step in your expectations. You are dismissive of her eating disorder and seem to be expecting a much greater level of maturity and reflection than a 13 yo would have.....especially one with such poor mental health.

That sort of poor mental health doesn't come from nowhere. Has she experienced trauma? Is she neurodiverse. Whatever is going on for her it is clear she isn't processing life experiences in the usual way....but maybe neither are you.

Why didn't you safeguard her and report the boys sexualised comments?

She needs you to support her not shout bout how she's ruined everything. You say you thought you had become close. Presumably you know feel her actions mean you aren't close which is wrong....would you feel a toddler hated you because they had a meltdown?

I think you need to apologise to your daughter for your reaction and try to salvage the relationship. She trusted you with some big news and you blew up and told her your relationship had completely changed. What she needed was support and to talk it through. Yes it's not great. I would be fuming too but not with her. She's a child. Be angry with yourself, even the older boy but this isn't on her. She showed poor judgement but had you had the sex talk with her? Once she started dating him what boundaries were in place around when they saw each other? Did you talk to his foster family about the relationship and agree rules with them?

Around the Roman period. It’s thought it was probably even more common prior but little is known in the way of proof.

What outcome would you hope for though?
I'd want to protect my child's mental and physical health.
Ensure they continue to confide in me.
Make sure they know I am on their side and will support them with anything.
Stop them engaging in further risky behaviour.

None of that is achieved by going nuts, cancelling holidays, going round to have it out with the boy, or telling your child they've messed up your relationship/family.

You haven’t dealt with this well at all. You need to take a deep breath and fix your relationship with your daughter. Why did you go home from the holiday? Surely that would have been a good opportunity to spend some time together and have some conversations.

Calling a 15 year old boy in foster care a ‘cowardly little shit’, or expecting him to be present for the conversation with his foster parents or feel entitled to see his reaction is way out of line. You are the adult here.

Your DD has made a mistake. She needs to know that you are a safe, non-judgmental presence and to think through together what is best for her going forward.

She’s vulnerable and needed your support. What she got was the opposite. I doubt she’ll confide in you ever again. I’d try and build some bridges if possible. Apologise and tell her while her action was foolish, you will support her in whatever comes next.

Like others, I don’t think you have covered yourself in glory here, but I understand your feelings and would have been similarly extremely upset if my 13 year old told me what yours did.
I’m interested in how and why your daughter chose to tell you at that precise time? Was it just you, or you and her dad together? Were you having any kind of conversation/argument that might have prompted the disclosure? Do you think she might have waited until you’d gone way, precisely so that you couldn’t go round to the boy’s home and confront him? (I know you did anyway, but she wouldn’t have known that.)
I also think your daughter needs some guidance and counselling about healthy relationships and boundaries- was she really ok with her first time being outside in broad daylight? If yes, that’s worrying. If no, that’s worrying.

It wasn't common, most girls didn't even start menstruating at 13 in the past let alone be married and having babies by then.

I’m actually horrified that you’ve told her she’s changed your relationship with her.
That poor child.
If My mum had said that to me, I would have been absolutely devastated. I think that was a bloody awful thing to say to a vulnerable kid who clearly actually needs you at the moment and who was brave enough to open that door and tell you what she had done.

How on earth could any mother ever say these horrible, hysterical things to and about a vulnerable child with mental health issues - who has already taken an overdose in the past?

It is so sad to think that a child who has tried to confide in a parent, about a really significant issue, a big problem, should be met with this destructive & self-indulgent response.

Me too. I hope op can find some humility and learn from this episode. This girl really needs her mum 😭

Erm, you are aware that includes the dads age in the ‘average’ aren’t you?

To be clear, I’m not saying this is ideal. Quite the opposite. I’m responding to the original quote of ‘how times have changed’ and pointing out that maybe they actually haven’t.

Literally nobody has said it's no big deal. How do you think the OP handled it? Well?!