13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

“The sole point of me pointing out the irony to the original poster”

Oh was it not? Ok.

Please point out my “ableist language”… I’m looking forward to what BS you’re going to come out with next 😂

I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

Those words are really shocking to read OP.
You are blaming your own DD for your debt.
Do you really resent her so much for the debt you are in. As well as for bringing trouble (or is it shame) to your life.

I am sorry that you are wondering why you are still here and feel so stuck.
But you missed the opportunity to be really close to your DD by being reassuring and supportive in her time of reaching out to you for that.
The whole of parenthood is a time to act selflessly….to put your own feelings aside.

This will pass OP. Please put things right with her before it’s too late. Tell her that it was shock that made you react that way and you are sorry and love her so much that you completely over-reacted and really wish she hadn’t had to see that side of you but you really didn’t mean it and want to take it all back.

Help her realise her worth OP. Don’t think of wishing to abandon her now. She really loves you as her mum no matter what she said.
Don’t push her away. Help her feel good about herself.
Good luck!

I completely understand you and your post conveys your and your hubby's agony. Your daughter is influenced by her school and her peers. You can't influence her decisions but you must definitely discuss and clarify every dangerous situation she will want to put herself through. Not because she'll listen but because it's the right every parent should do. Regardless of choices she'll make you'll look back into the past and know you did your bit for her as you hoped she'll see the meaning behind your worries.
Take care of yourself and your husband. Don't let this period influence your wellbeing in the long run.

That was a triggering read and I feel sorry for your daughter - and for you because you've clearly had life experiences that have led you to believe that this is an acceptable way to relate to your child.

I really hope this thread serves as a wake up call for you.

I don’t think OP is coming back.
I hope she’s at least read some of this thread and thought about how damaging her actions have been.

Funny, that's exactly what I thought after reading the OP, and the second post just furthered my suspicions.

Ok I’ve woken up this morning still ruminating on this post (weird, not usually one to give much of a fuck offline!) but I’ve come to the conclusion that on reflection the post was very weirdly worded and the last bit especially “walking away”? Nah. No mother would ever.

this has to be a wind up

I hadn't suspected it before but I think the suggestion that the OP is the father is a strong possibility.

Absolutely insane reaction. There is very, very little my children could do that would 'change my relationship' with them, particularly something with their own bodies (no matter how disappointed and worried I'd be).

The chance she is pregnant is really, really slim. Why would everyone in school think she might be pregnant?

What an appalling way to deal with this scenario. It is also almost verging on slut shaming. 13 year olds should not have sex, it is not good for them, it is risky and there are implications to it, but it does happen.

Children like this need help!! Especially for the sake of others in the future.

I think it makes perfect sense actually. Daddy's little girl is sick and tired of her overbearing and possessive father and after failing to end her life, feels no ownership over her own body and says yes to the first boy who wants sex. As predicted, Dad reacts by freaking out about someone else using his property without permission, with zero empathy or thought for the two children caught up in this.

Exactly.

OMFG what are these comments!! She's 13. Not 16

I would be enraged. I wouldn't direct it at her in an overt way and the focus should be on her feeling safe enough to listen but the fact that she doesn't care is concerning. Honestly cannot blame you for wanting to chew out the boy though

I can't believe these comments. This sex positivity BS has gone too far. Obviously try to speak to her instead of scolding her but there's no way everyone here would be perfectly fine with their 13 year olds running around having sex and ending up pregnant/getting people pregnant. This isnt sexism it applies to a CHILD of either sex... I'm genuinely in shock that people are speaking as it she's 16. Some very strange undertones to the 'its none of your business, she can have sex' attitude

It's not about sex positivity for children (which would be awful), it is about how far beyond 'that was risky and wrong and I'm worried about you' this has gone.

Just as an example of another illegal, worrying activity, would you say about a 13 year old who had got really drunk (but ultimately no long term physical harm came to them:

• 'My entire world just collapsed'
• 'complete change our relationship'
• 'Im so fucking hurt by her'
• 'Her family is falling apart'
• 'Her entire school year knows'
• 'I'm wondering why I'm still here'

There's a really disgusting moralising element to it (hence the shame that everyone knows etc).

I don't think anybody has posted that it's ok. I posted that kids were having sex when I was that age in the 1960s (not me but there were some) not because that makes it ok but because OP's daughter isn't the first and won't be the last (and it's nothing to do with the Internet either).

I would be very upset in the OP's situation but she (or more likely he) has made it ten times worse by their reaction.

She trusted you and you told her it will change the relationship. It’s not too late to apologise. It’s normal to freak out but you need to keep most of the freaking out to yourself. Unlikely to be pregnant. Try a new approach and watch how much better things become.

He is also a child.

It sounds like both the children involved have very low self-worth and maybe they thought this was a way to feel valued by someone.

The attitude that the OP has taken, treating this girl as if she's now "tainted" in some way and he doesn't want anything to do with her is making things worse, and if this is his normal parenting style, goes some way to explaining why she feels the way she does about herself.

Well you've certainly ensured she'll never tell you anything ever again OP. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to tell you that and all you could do was berate her.

I can't believe you're blaming her for you being in debt and talking about walking away - she's had sex, not killed someone. No one wants their 13 year old having sex of course, but she's a child who was probably looking for something that was missing at home - unconditional love. The way you talk about her as if she has ruined your life is tbh really shocking.

Poor kid. Based on your post I'm not at all surprised that she says she never had a relationship with you. You sound like the parent from hell - and I agree with others that you must be the father. No mother would be so vile.

My DH's mum kicked him out of the house once he was eighteen. Some mothers would be so vile!

I think there was one, singular weird comment that said "her virginity is none of your business". Apart from that, I don't see anybody advocating for sex positivity for children or indicating that they think it's OK for children to be having sex. It's so bizarre that you've invented an alternative version of the thread, despite the fact we can all clearly see in black and white what's been said, and can see that your summary of it is a complete misrepresentation/lie.

I’m so sorry for the hatred, judgment and disrespect you’ve received in these comments.

The way my 14 year old daughter has changed, the person she is projecting right now, the shocking behaviour, sheer lack of disrespect or consequences, the narcissistic traits she’s began to display and the down right arrogant degrading attitude I’ve witnessed from her lately, I can kinda half sympathise with your daughter’s behaviour, albeit not yet as severe. And can honestly say I have never ever felt so tried, tested, disrespected hated and defeated in my entire life.

I hope you get through this.
one tired mama to another

As an aside, big shout out to all the parents that have responded here.

I was basically that kid. Your compassionate responses toward the child have helped me see that my upbringing wasn't normal or right. I had my suspicions.

Better than therapy. Thanks everyone.

Allowing and encouraging your 13 year old child wouldn't have been rightneither. The poster could have been calmer but it's much worse for a parent to encourage sexual activity

Which poster has encouraged it