16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

ADHD parent here (of 3 boys). A 10.30 curfew for a 6th former/college student is utterly ridiculous. Of course he’s lying, you’re far too strict and authoritarian. He needs to start learning to rely on his own judgement so you need to be negotiating boundaries not enforcing a weekend 10.30 boundary.

he needs to be able to trust that he can rely on you if he gets into a situation which is too much for him. That he can call from kings x at midnight and say “mum, I’m out of my depth, can you come and get me” without serious repercussions.

But he knows full well he’s your “problem child” and will continue to live up to that label as long as it’s applied to him.

I love him very much, we're pretty close, but he has been very hard work. And I am fast more bothered by the lying than anything else, especially as we were out for dinner before he went out and talking about lying and said we'd rather him be honest even if he thinks we won't like it. He fully agreed and then did that. There has to be consequences for that, more fool you if you do just let them get away with it

I found the teen years as tiring as baby and toddler because of the late nights, and I couldn't sleep til they were home. But by 17 they were often out til 1am at weekends and holidays. Not on school nights.

However, Mine were usually at friends houses - parties. U-18s are very restricted in where they can go. No clubs, for e.g.

Unless they have fake id ordered off the internet.....

Sit him down and explain the full story to him about the whole situation. He needs to know what he is contributing to and what he is a part of. He then needs to explain to you why he does what he does and both sides need to listen.

He's safe, that's the most important thing. And teenagers lie. I have realised that they will lie about anything. He's pushing boundaries, having adventures. Why not just move on and warn him you are worried about him, and can you come up with more realistic times so you can be involved in his plans a bit more.

So he was meant to be out in town till 10.30 then back at his mates house to sleep? But instead him and mate plus other stayed out later but still eventually went back to mates house a few hours later?

To me that's not that terrible. It feels like a normal 16 yo thing to do. As long as he's safe and not getting in trouble I'd not be that upset by that.

I’m sorry about the cancer worry but referring to your DS as a problem third child and saying you always knew he’d be difficult is really worrying. Feels like anything he does will be treated as proof he’s difficult. This will not make for a good relationship and if you think he doesn’t know how you view him you’ll be wrong. I would also be cross about the lying and not coming home when he said he would but this needs to be framed as you need to be able to trust him because it’s a worrying time for parents getting used to their “baby” being a young adult, rather than this is what you do, you’re difficult. I have a 17y.o. DS so I know what I’m talking about. How would you feel if one of your parents had viewed you as a problem from before birth?

My goodness, the amount of us years ago that would have left home at the age of 16.

Kings Cross is perfectly safe at any time of night. Well lit with lots of other people and police around. DP and I were there with our baby at midnight the other week and I never felt unsafe at any point.

He is lying to you because you are not giving him any room to tell the truth. As a teen I would never tell my mother where I was going, who I was with, what I was doing as I knew her reaction would be totally disproportionate and unreasonable. As a result 10 years on we now have very little contact.

Nothing your son has done sounds out of the ordinary for a teen. However, the way you talk about him is definitely out of the ordinary and comes across as rather cruel - he is probably well aware of how negatively you think of him. This does not enable him to feel he can be truthful to you.

Gosh, my ADHD kid was not the one who ended up in A&E all the time, a danger magnet or chaotic and impulsive. That was my ND kid.

Anyway, I digress.

What is the 'problematic 3rd kid' anyway? What does that even mean?

He's 16 and pushing boundaries. Good. Keep setting them. It's tedious, but it's good for him to feel accountable to someone.

And try not to cast him in the role of the family fuck-up. It's damaging and exhausting for everyone.

Lying is something children and teenagers do, because they are negotiating how to be a separate person from their parents.

Think about it. You have not told him about your cancer diagnois (and I'm sorry you are dealing with that). You presumably feel that, as an adult and a parent, you are entitled to lie to your child about certain things, because you are separate from your child. You want to protect him by not giving him free access to every single aspect of your life.

Your teenager is doing this too. Sometimes he will get it wrong and he will lie about something that is really terrible. Other times he will lie about something very trivial, like the fact he was perfectly safe, but not where he told you he would be, at the time he told you he'd be there.

You need to learn to pick your battles.

Expecting a nearly-adult child to be completely transparent about everything in their life is treating them like a baby.

It is healthy and normal for teenagers to lie to their parents, however annoying it might be. It's part of them learning how to become adults and how to have aspects of their lives that are no longer their parents' responsibility.

the lying is because you’re too strict. It’s like a possessive parter, you end up lying just to get a bit of oxygen. Who cares if he’s home to a friends at 1am? Worst that will happen in KC is a phone snatch. Honestly he’s fine.

A curfew?! He’s 16 😂 you’re lucky he even usually entertains that. I can’t believe you give him a curfew at 16. People leave home and fight wars at 16.

Plus this is a massive overreaction. You might not tell him but I bet he knows you think he’s problematic and that you can’t be arsed with him.

Lying isn't great but it's fairly clear you would not have let him go so he probably thought it was better to lie about it than to tell you.

The people who never lied as a teenager were either very compliant kids or had parents who were very permissive.

I've read your posts but I can't see where you said how you found out.
If it was through tracking, then I guess he would probably switch that off, leave his phone somewhere the next time he wants to so something you won't let him do.

And I am sorry about your cancer worries, so tough alongside teenagers.

Central London in the early hours is not great but if his friends had planned it and he knew you would say no that is probably why he lied. I think at 16 you need to trust him a bit more. If he has a decent friends and they were together? Years ago it would have been nightclubs till the early hours at that time. The problematic third child it’s not great that you think that even if you don’t say it. I would suggest therapy to deal with your feelings as maybe that’s getting in the way of your relationship with him? Good luck with the operation it sounds like a stressful situation.

Uh-ho, you've known since conception that he would be trouble?

If he had asked you in advance, what would you have said?

Im assuming he lied because he knew what your response would be. With mine at that age, I trusted them. I also said if they r er felt in danger, I would be there in a shot. To never feel they couldn’t call me because I might be angry.
Mostly it worked out very well. Occasional picking up a drunk teen. Only on one occasion was it a bit edgy and that was my (ADHD incidentally) teen who took drugs but fortunately called me.

Also the dramatics about him lying seems very hypocritical given you’ve kept a massive piece of news from him yourself re your cancer. Can you not see how ironic that is?

I knew form a young age my kids were ‘different’ - they are all ND in one way or another. I have never referred to any of them as ‘the problematic (inset number) child’ neither have a said ‘I have known literally since conception they would be trouble’

the way you tow about your son is the problem, not him nor his diagnosis. It’s actually vile the way you regard him.

Not uncommon behaviour for a teenager. The way you speak about him conveys a strong disliking. What a shame.

You know your child, but I found that with my “easy” eldest and my difficult youngest that in the teen years it was better all round to discuss rules and give them slightly more freedom than I felt they should have/deserved and then let them step up or mess up and then adjust accordingly.

I am sorry about your health worries, it must magnify everything 🌷

Have a look at this thread OP: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5436747-husband-constant-white-lies-what-to-do
Lots of posters saying very clearly that the habit of lying is often caused by parents who constantly over-react to wrongdoing. If your parents are going to be furious if you tell them the truth, the easiest thing to do is to tell a lie and keep yourself out of trouble. Often how ADHD kids operate. I agree with posters who say that 1030 isn't a reasonable curfew and also that he's displaying 'normal' 16 year old behaviour. If you over-react and come down heavy with punishments, he will continue to lie and he will also look back on his childhood and adolescence as a thoroughly unpleasant time to be at home and with family.

My 17 year old daughter is diagnosed with ADHD. I knew she was ND, yes - but I’ve never spoken about her the way you are your son. Some introspection may be required here.

I am very sorry about your cancer ordeal, OP. I am sure that makes everything else seem much worse.

But you remind me of my mother. All these decades later, she seems baffled as to why we are not close.

That's a ridiculously early curfew for a 16 year old during half term to start with, which is probably why he broke it in the first place.