Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

Pre marriage was he prone to porkies?

All sounds very very weird

What must your kids think? Seeing their dad lie and their parents squabble so relentlessly

It's a power and control thing, he thinks your his mum.

Thank you for reply. Yes, the huge ones were pre marriage, but we went to counselling albeit very briefly, but he changed ( or I tuned out?!).
Now I feel like my family and kids would think I'm totally crazy separating over things like the tiny lies I've mentioned in OP. But I honestly I am at the end of my tether and clueless on what do next. Hes moved out probably 4 times over the years for less than a week over a huge row about lying.

Couldn’t be arsed with this whatsoever, but then again if he’s always done this and you’ve had 3 kids with him I assume it’s not a dealbreaker for you

Sounds like he never grew out of the childhood phase of doing this, 5/6 year old I think is pretty normal to do this.

I couldn't deal with this, can you sit him down and in a calm way explain he doesn't need to do this and how upsetting it is for you and therefore the children.

I would have to think about ending the relationship.

Heartbreaking, I know.

It all sounds exhausting and that you have a parent/child thing going on with the white lies!!what happens when you say 'did you eat both biscuits?' If he said yes, would he get into trouble like a child or an adult?

How you have lived with an habitual liar all these years beats me OP. It obviously impacts every part of your life because you basically can't trust anything he says.

He is not suddenly going to change. You either need to accept who he is and the miserable life that is a consequence of living witb a liar . Or you divorce.

I can't stand liars so I know what I would do.

I dont know how you've put up with it for 14 years.

This has come up a few times on the Relationship board and the advice, pretty much universally, has been to end the relationship. Most people think that liars dont change and being in a relationship with one is impossible.

How about he gets counseling, for himself, to work out why he lies and to learn how to be confident to tell the truth. There must be something very deeply rooted to tackle.

This marriage sounds rotten to the core
and has been for many years
for the sake of your children if not you, try to salvage it but bringing this to a close

This would drive me crazy OP. How can you trust someone when you can't believe a word they say?

Did he have very critical parents and he used to lie to stop them being angry with him? He may find therapy useful if so.

Hes moved out probably 4 times over the years for less than a week over a huge row about lying.
And yet you continue to tolerate it. 3 times only yesterday!

Not something I would accept in a relationship. Who cares what your parents think? You don’t owe them an explanation. Or if you feel under pressure to justify your decision recall the worst lie he’s told and tell them it’s because of this. He must have told some whoppers over the years.

This would give me the ick tbh.

Doesn't sound like he has the capacity or capability to change this behaviour as it’s come up so many times before. Time for you to make a decision.

Look to his childhood (or more to the point he should look to his childhood, if he wants to resolve this).

So I literally just fancied a biscuit and asked where they were as they'd been in the car, I wouldn't care if he'd eaten them! It's so strange, but also devastating. I feel like my entire circle would think I've lost the plot if we separated. And beyond this things are so good. It's just awful. I don't know what to do. Thank you all. ❤️

These are not white lies! You’re minimising - lack of trust is massively destructive and I can’t believe you’re still tolerating this shit

He’s probably grown up lying. Some families are like that. My uncle’s wife was always lying and telling their child to lie. The emphasis was always to be defensive and lie to get what you need. She always covered up for her son. Needless to say the marriage broke down. They are still liars. I don’t know how you married him let alone had kids together. Your only hope is to get him to counselling and make sure you bring your kids up differently.

Ok so you can tell us at length all the examples and waste more time

or you can start to do something that will give your children a better home life

Yes, I think this, and he hates all types of confrontation. I took my wedding ring off yesterday and said I cannot do this anymore. I am hoping he will come up with going to solo therapy, I've asked him so many times.
I also think what hell on earth it would be to coparent with him.

Hi @Teanandtoast
You say you have done counselling but it is unfinished business. I would return amd get to the root of this if trust is important to you

"I love you but I have to be able to trust amd depend on you. The lies are undermining that and I want us to work together to be truthful with each other, no matter what'

^ what i would do . The partner better stop lying or go to the sessions again because it is crunch time for the relationship 🤔

I've known one person like this, who lied constantly over little things for no obvious reason. We all found it confusing.
Eventually it turned out the lying was the tip of the iceberg. He had been sexually abusing one of the children.
Obviously, I can't know if those things are connected. But, in my own mind, I would consider weird lying a red flag. Because it's just so outside of the ordinary.

Oh so no kids?? Get the hell out then!

Sadly there are

3 kids, wild and ND