16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

Op just talk to him, I’ll be honest I’d just be relieved they’re safe and discuss it not happening again. Sorry you’re going through all of this

What absolute nonsense.

ADHD is a spectrum: symptoms and severity varies widely.

Massive overreaction. You should be grateful he is out having fun not stuck inside gaming like so many teens are. Your health worries are nothing to do with him and you should not be laying blame on him for that.

To offer a counterpoint, I lied occasionally as a teen and did not have hysterical, silly uptight parents. While varied viewpoints are helpful, the absolutes often seen on Mumsnet are quite something.

It’s not an absolute 🙄 but teens are more likely to lie when their parents have fixed restrictive rules and then get hysterical and shouty when their random rules are flouted. Obviously.

Teenagers fibbing is par for the course, but if you want him to be open with you, I’m not sure coming down hard on him is the way forward. It will just encourage him to lie better next time.
Why is it making you feel so angry? Why was the 11am curfew so important, especially if he was staying under someone else’s roof - surely that has no impact on you?
And KX at midnight is absolutely fine - it’s busy, there are plenty of staff around, plenty of places still open to get food and drink, plenty of transport options…

Absolutely this. My middle child has ADHD and other issues. Despite him being a teenager now I’ve only recently started leaving him in the house without me or his other parent in the last few months. He doesn’t even go out in our neighbourhood by himself yet as he’s too vulnerable. He’ll get to that eventually. I wouldn’t and don’t assume that other people with ADHD need to have the same restrictions as he does as that’s simply not the case.

OP, I think it’s completely normal to freak out about your child doing stuff like this when they have any kind of additional needs like ADHD. I truly do empathise, but I think it’s less important to punish and more important to make sure he knows what to do in difficult situations and that he can trust you to not go off on one if he fucks up and needs your help if he does need to call someone for help while out and about.

My DD was gigging across London aged 16, either with her band or as a duo. The only rule was that she cabbed back to Kings Cross (very safe late at night these days) and myself or another adult picked her up at the station when they got home because of expensive equipment.

It's actually really hard to go out now as a teen as everywhere requires ID even into their twenties. Whereas I was in various clubs in London from aged 14 with most of my classmates (I did live there mind and we were all very streetwise). My parents were much stricter than those of my peers (I stayed over a lot with my bestie) but even I had to be home by midnight aged 16 at weekends. 10.30pm is very, very early imho.

Because my dad was really strict and a bit of a dictator it made me sneaky, I lied a lot and had a horrible relationship with him. I was a very different parent with my two. As long as they were safe, didn't do stupid things, told the truth about where they were and kept me updated I was ok about late nights and London trips. I remember the frustration of being treated like a child at that age and I wanted mine to feel respected and that they could be truthful with me above all else.

Totally agree with this approach. No rigid “curfews” here. Think some parents rather enjoy the last of the power they wield over late teens a little too much…

I lied all the time for absolutely no reason! My parents were actually quite liberal but I still lied and to be honest totally abused their trust by getting up to some extremely dodgy things.

If you think he hasn't noticed your nine surgeries in the last two years, you're deluding yourself.

You want this lad to grow up a bit and show signs of developing maturity, but you're treating him like a three year old.

It's possibly hard to talk to people about this massive thing that's hanging over you, but I think you need to ask him if he has any questions on this score that he'd like you to answer.

The key to lying is the issue of trust. Does he trust you? Does he think you've made up your mind about him from the start or does he know you believe he has some capacity to turn out well? Does he realise on some level that you see him unfavorably compared to his siblings? Don't just ask yourself these questions and come up with self serving answers. Ask him.

Same.

I asked my teens to have solid plans for getting home when they went out. If those plans were fluid I wanted to know that too. If they needed a lift from me, I asked to be phoned before midnight. If they went out and needed to leave a party or gathering for any reason, I asked that they contact me and I would take them (and any friends too) home with no questions asked.

My only conditions wrt their social lives were seatbelts to be employed in all vehicles at all times, and if grades in school dropped because of burning the candle at both ends, they needed to curtail socializing and consider dropping an extra curricular activity to see if grades could recover. Time management and establishing priorities are important skills for teens to master.

Re age...

I think there is a difference between 16 and in Y12 and 16 and in Y11.

Mine is a summer birthday, so she didn't have the kind of freedom she does now in Y11, but that was more down to GCSEs and being at school. Parties were relatively rare and most friends were heads down revising all year.

Now she's Y12 and at college where kids in her year are 16-18 she has far more freedom and it feels appropriate.

If your son is Y11 then I think 10.30pm is reasonable.

The 9 surgeries were all biopsies? I’ve had a few of them and haven’t told my children. No reason to

Yes we parent flexibly weird rigid “curfews” is very 1993.

Also have year 12 er we don’t allow hanging round in town after 9pm for safety reasons not that dd2 does that now anyway. Parties usually end at 12 ish as host parents rightly pull the plug. Would be weird to pull her away from a party with her friends for a made up random time deadline we have set. Don’t know any parents of dds friends that actually do this.

DS had to make a choice at some point in the evening / night. Which is the better option, staying in a group of friends or travelling home / to a friends alone?

You need to talk through a few scenarios with him. Help him to make the least bad option when there isn't a good one.

If he had called at 10.30 and said I'm out with friends and no one wants to go home what should I do? What would your advice be?

You need to unfurl the leash. You are treating him like a toddler with the level of control you’re trying to impose, which will never end well.

I think you are getting a hard time on this thread. I think the teen years can be a nightmare for many parents but you know if you feel things are getting a bit out of control for your son. I do think teens lie but I think many posters here are being totally disingenuous if they wouldn’t be worried if their son was lying an awful lot and hanging round in central London when they had no idea. I live in London and yes King’s Cross is different than it was 30 years ago but hanging out in any city centre at 1am is risky and most people would thing so. We had a similiar situation, adhd constant lying , constant staying out and in the end lots and lots of pretty awful things were going on to worry about - a lot of which we had no idea
I am sorry this is happening to you and I am afraid I have no advice except- yes trying to open a dialogue. When I look back we sort of totally lost our relationship for a couple of years and it was replaced by a lot of shouting which wasn’t good.

He lied because you are over strict and have given him a ridiculous curfew.

I never lied to my parents as they didn’t give me a silly curfew. As a consequence they always knew where I was.

Try it! My DS has ADHD. He normally comes home from parties around 12.3/1. I used to stay out later at that age. You do need to relax a bit more and you’ll find he is less likely to lie….

All my friends who had strict parents used to lie to them…

You’ve “literally known since conception that he would be trouble” and have labelled him the “problematic third child”.

Did you actually want him?

I realise he’s messed up by fibbing about being out late, but the way you’re talking about him as if you just assumed he’d be a nuisance before he was even born is absolutely horrible to read.

Does your DH think the same @Delatron ?

He is slightly more strict than me so that can cause issues. Not around alcohol though. More about curfews.

It’s hard when you have different upbringings. So I would go clubbing in Leeds at 16 and get the night bus home. DH was probably just at a friends. It is hard when you’re not on the same page for sure. But DS is nearly 17 now. I mean I went abroad for 2 weeks at that age so it’s tricky to say ‘you need to be home by 11!’

Alcohol? How are you on the same page about that? Ok with booze or not?

What at nearly 17? He has a beer or two. Never seems drunk. Always lets me know when he’s in a cab. Usually home on time. I mean I’m gonna pick my battles here. I accept you disagree but telling a nearly 17 year old that they can’t drink would not work in my eyes.

The lines of communication are firmly open here. We know where he is, he never lies and he lets us know when he’s in his way home or we collect him. Never seems drunk. I’m happy with that!

Yes DH definitely on the same page with regards to alcohol. Driving it underground at this age isn’t helpful. The kids whose parents don’t let them drink do - and they are the worse for getting completely drunk!!