16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

Pretty much as she tends to make sensible choices.

She knows there would be huge penalties for missing college or extra curriculars, but we've given her a lot of freedom with a safety net in place and she seems to be handling it a lot better than I did at the same age.

This puts a different spin on things! I still stand by the approach that worked for my family, but he doesn’t sound like he does deserve much freedom.

Massive over reaction in your part regarding curfew. Cinema would still be open! He probably lied knowing your reaction. Chill out and choose your battles

At that age I was literally out all night - and that was the 90s with no mobile phones.

Op, virtually everyone on this thread thinks you’re being the unreasonable one here. Perhaps reflect on that as to the way forward.

Good luck with your operation

I do

and the way you speak about him is almost venomous

I mean where to go with I've known literally since conception her would be trouble,

Sounds normal for a 16 year old. My 16 year old was at a party until 1 last night, granted not in central London.

I know one of my dd’s friends lies to her parents about her whereabouts quite often and this is because they’re so strict.

Good grief, I lived on my own in central London at 16 and worked full-time. That was in 1970.

I don’t think it’s healthy to judge based on what you thought hed be like from birth

You are labelling his behaviour based on your preconceptions. I’m guessing he knows exactly what you think of him and is affected by that . Yes, this can change and affect behaviour.

He’s 16 and facing ‘no sense of danger’ and being a ‘thrill seeker’ is not unusual for a person whose brain has not fully developed. See frontal lobe development.

Remember not all children are the same and you should never compare him to his other siblings. That will be very detrimental for his own development and his relationship with not only you but his siblings aswel

Personal recognition of his adhd might help to appreciate his actions and how to work around them effectively and without playing
some sort of blame game

I find your comment ‘he’s the problematic third child’ and you knew this since birth has labelled him since the beginning. this is very worrying
You need to snap out of that thought. He has ADHD

note I have one with adhd and autism
another with the same ( as yet undiagnosed)
We have never considered them our ‘problem children’.

16? Curfew? He could legally be living on his own...

Exactly

how sad
no wonder he’s taking no notice
I’m guessing he’s lost all respect for his elders

My sixth formers didn't have a curfew, no. We would have a conversation about where they were going and how they were getting home. My 3 rules ( more advice really) were :

1. Stick together, don' wander off on your own
2. Don't get so intoxicated you are unable to look after yourself
3. If you need me too I will always come and get you.

One is a post grad at Oxbridge (21)
The other is travelling the world on a gap year (3As at A-level) age 19

It worked for us

Oh 🤫

do you have a 16 year old?

But you said from conception. And how a person feels about someone, shows in how they treat them.

When I was 16 I went to an all night party where drink and weed was free flowing. Much older boys from my friends older brothers friends.

We were awake all night dancing and partying.

My mum thought I was at my friends studying and didnt know her parents were away.

Im alive, my knickers stayed on and I didnt do the drugs or get drunk.

Im now a solicitor so I didnt end up a delinquent.

He stayed out 3 hours later than his curfew and you think he is a problem child and looking for a solidarity. I actually feel sorry for him.

He will be an adult in less than 2 years and you wont be able to stop him. Time to loosen the ball and chain.

No - how would the law be different if I had a 16 year old?

Honestly? I think you need to get a grip. If you massively overreact you’ll make sure he’ll never be honest about anything-even when he could really do with your help. Staying out at 16 on an occasional night with a friend isn’t that bad-maybe worth a calm talking to but not this massive reaction you knew he’d be trouble etc. what a burden for the poor kid. At sixteen, having arbitrary curfews don’t work. Talk to him about behaviour you’d like to see and get his agreement to tell you if he’s going to be out later and who he is with. Let him start to have independence. Fwiw, I did go apeshit with my 16 year old when they were caught shoplifting-it scared them as I was a reasonably liberal parent in other ways.

Did you never do this as a teenager? I did it all the time ( days pre mobile phone). I wish I had the sort of relationship with my parents where I could be open enough to be completely honest but I didn’t .
And what is this “ problematic third child” , known since conception that he’d be trouble” nonsense?? The poor kid - he’s only living up to your expectations…

You're getting an unnecessarily hard time. No kids shouldnt be doing whatever they want while stupid parents cheer them on. He should not have lied to you and being in central London after the pubs shut is risky for young males.

I dont think an earlier curfew will help though. Stick to the "no sleepovers" for a time because you cant trust him but let him stay out until 11 when it's not a school night.

This doesn't sound that bad to me. Hell, I WAS the AuDHD kid and I was a lot worse than this!! But staying out late and saying you were at so and so's is standard teenage behaviour, no not all of them before people come along and say 'Well I /mine didn't', but lots of them do.

If you kick off about this he won't trust you in the future. You need to tell him that he has got to be open and honest with you without making him think that if he does talk to you and makes a bad decision you will lose it with him. You've got a lot going on, but its not great to talk about him the way you are either. Have a sit down chat, tell him you are upset that he wasn't honest with you, work out how you're going to go forward together without lies - involve him in the process. Explain how dangerous it can be out and about in London late at night. But this is a tale as old as time, pretty much everyone lies to a degree and most teenagers lie once or twice about where they're going and who they're with, its not that ridiculous.

I suspect that he has picked up on your opinion of him and is living up to your expectat9ions.

Law? I’m not talking about the law

I am talking about bog standard parenting

see you you feel when you have a 16 year old and out all night and rocks up at 5am….. you’d shrug and say, well you have the law on your side.

Many of us who have had 16yos quite recently have described how at this age it is about safety rules and open communication.

My dd is 17. She loves a party and was at an organised rave in the local city til 4am. On someone else’s ID last night. Two weeks ago she was a 2.5 hour train ride away at another one in a large city. They stayed the night in a hotel. Two girls and two boys (friends, not gf/bf).

Dd is upper 6th and she’s the only one not 18 out of the group. She wasn’t doing this a year ago but she definitely didn’t have a 10.30pm curfew. However, what almost everyone else is to loosen the reins a bit and talk to your ds about how to keep himself safe when he does stuff like this and give him some age appropriate responsibility for himself.

And if you are concerned about his friends, the best way to do this is to be the mum that does pick ups. And to be the household everyone wants to go to. I collected dd and 5 other kids last night at 4am because getting an uber was too difficult. We even have a 7 seater specifically for the job.

At the rave 2 weeks ago they left at 2am specifically so that they could ensure they’d have no issue returning to the hotel. Smart I’d say. Kids, who’ve been given some responsibility, have taken an uber after a club and know how tough it can be to get one, so kept themselves safe because parents weren’t just round the corner.

Your ds otoh isn’t currently being allowed those opportunities to learn. So he’s doing it on the sly with no guidance a thus more likely, not less, to get himself into scrapes.

He's old enough to join the army ffs, he's not a little boy.

If he'd woken you up at 1am (which isn't that late of a curfew but idk your usual sleep schedule) crashing into the house drunk and silly, it would make sense you being irritated, but he was staying elsewhere.

Have you never got chatting with friends and stayed out later than you intended?

No wonder he lied to you if this is your reaction to a 16 yo being out a bit late.