16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

Calm down. He’s home safe, it’s done. Give him a dressing down emphasising need for trust if he wants to go out with his mates again and tell him how much you love him. Does he have a weekend job? If not help him get one to improve his sense of responsibility. Kindly, cut out demonising him. All the trouble third child stuff is rubbish- he needs your parenting and guidance to resolve and get him back on track. It’s the job. Good look with your health, counting your blessings and keeping your boy close will help.

This sounds like typical older teenage behaviour to me. He’s safe, he was with his friends hopefully. I guess it depends on how he is otherwise. I’d his behaviour problematic or is he pushing as occasional healthy boundary?

I think 10:30 or 11pm is quite an early curfew for a 16 year old.

I have a 16 year old and curfew is either between 12-1 on the weekend depending on my mood and where she’s going.

I do have a few rules that enable her to stay out till 1am. One is that if she’s going to a party then no sleepover after unless it’s her friends staying here. My other rule is that I either pick her up or she gets an uber with male friends using my uber account.

At the end of the day, it’s not worth getting too cross. He stayed out late on Halloween and is home safe and sound. Some teenagers get up to a lot worse!

jeez I don't dislike him, he's the 'problematic' third child to show this ain't my first rodeo.

He is close to me, incredibly close to DH and looking at going to a nearby uni so they can continue their weekend hobby together, so sorry to disappoint on that front.

I was just venting about the lying, turns out I shouldn't have bothered

Sorry about your cancer diagnosis but this thread is more of a waterfall than a drip feed @Phunkychicken Your son is a normal teenager pushing boundaries. I’m sure his mates told their parents the exact same nonsense he told you. Push back a bit and then back on the merrigoround you go.

Gosh when I was 16, I was on holiday with my girlfriends on various Greek islands. My parents’ paid for my travels as a reward for doing well at school!!! When we weren’t doing that, weekends were spent out in London. Now I know in hindsight how much risk was involved in all of that for us girls at that age - we were sensible and (lucky?) no harm came to us (I have no daughters but I think it’s worse/more risk for young women today actually)- however- I think going on nights out with friends is quite normal at 16… presumably if you were more open minded, he wouldn’t be afraid of telling the truth. I expect my view is unpopular here but I think you sound a bit strict seeing as he is 16. 10:30 is an early curfew unless there’s school/college/work next day.

OP of course you're not unreasonable to be annoyed but don't blow it out of proportion - most 16 year olds push boundaries and lie to try and get out of trouble! It doesn't make him a juvenile delinquent, it's pretty normal. Try not to put him in that box of 'the one who will get into trouble' because he will live up to that expectation! Instead, tell him you're disappointed by his behaviour, give him a consequence and move on.

Go easy on yourself and yes, also on your problematic third child.
The only advice I have.

Parent of an ADHD 16 year old...

Mine was at a house party in London on Thursday that got raided by the police and out at a Halloween party till midnight last night.

I had warned them the house party would get shut down... and yep, they had to go and party in the park like normal 16 year olds.

You are being WAY too strict so it's no wonder they are pushing boundaries.

With DD I just ask that she tells me what she's doing, I have a tracker so I know where she is, and don't really have rules and curfews.

To be fair, I reckon a lot of people did this as teens, probably even younger

If this was a first time of this kind of lie I would not lose it but maybe talk about reasonable compromises you can strike. Like later nights area ok if, say, he's going to a gig that's not going to finish before 11,or travel back is going to take some time.

16+ is OK to be out late, though I do get worrying about a 16yo with ADHD. DS is 14 and has ADHD too, and is a bit less worldly than most of his peers so I will probably be more cautious than with his older sibling who was much more mature and capable of handling himself if things didn't go to plan, for example.

Meaning, younger than 16.

Sorry but I wouldn’t be giving a sixteen year old a curfew of 10.30 pm in the first place! He would have been managing his own sleep choices from fourteen onwards and if he was tired or didn’t get up for something, he would suffer the natural consequences.

His choice of friends is important and I understand you wanting to make it as difficult as possible for him to stop mixing with a bad crowd but ultimately he has to learn to keep himself safe and the only thing sometimes between them and disaster is your relationship, so don’t erode that too much in the mistaken belief that that will will keep him out of harm’s way. Only he can do that by being trusted and advised.

So don’t impose your rules on him op from the top down. Parent alongside him and discuss if he had a son of his age, with a similar personality, what rules would he think reasonable? Negotiate! Add in your knowledge and wisdom and point out potential dangers. And make it clear that lying erodes trust and the more trust you can maintain between you, then the more liberty he will earn.

Then let him test the boundaries a little and learn from experience.

I might start with being a bit more honest about your medical situation though op, He probably has guessed more than you think! Children always know!

Good luck with your operation!

It’s not that people let their 16 year olds ‘get away’ with things but it does seem as though you have a pretty short lead that you keep him on. Perhaps allowing him a bit extra space, not a curfew of 10.30 might find you in a bit more of an open territory with him. He’s lied because he knows you’d have said no, easier to apologise than to ask permission.

Oh, and I live in London so she could literally be anywhere in the city until 1am when she needs to be home. The beauty of Life 360 means I can track her if concerned but tbh, I think central London is pretty safe. I’d be more worried if she was in the depths of the countryside with no one about, dark streets and no police.

No I didn’t. But they didn’t have a curfew either. When they were going out we agreed when they were going to get back depending where they were going and what they were doing. And they kept going n touch if things changed. No point saying 10.30 if they’re going to a London gig, or a local house party.

Another thing was that we did tell one or two of our parents’ from the group where we were- there were times we rang that parent and she came to collect us. It meant someone knew where we were and kept an eye out for messages and calls late at night. It was my friends mum who was very open with us and she helped us when we were testing out our independence. She’d often pick us up and even make us food at silly o’clock in the morning and made sure we were in bed safe! Xo

This is really normal teen behaviour. It’s the weekend and he wanted to have fun with friends, he only had to stay with them as curfew is so early in your house. He’s not even allowed out until midnight? I think you need to

1. explain to him you have some health stuff which is making you need to rest and you can’t deal with stress and worry now.
2. discuss how to deal with him wanting a night out. Once a month at least a late night and taxi back should be acceptable.

dont Push him away. good luck with your treatment!

Unfortunately teenage behaviour - they do push it sometimes and I guess that's a good sign that he's normal! All you can do is talk, explain it's not safe at 16 years old to be out that late, not fair on you to worry and be lied to, chose a punishment and cross fingers for next time..

OP, hope you're doing ok. x

He was a little shit and should be punished but you also have to be careful that you don’t push him into rebelling.

We all did daft things at his age and sometimes you need to learn the hard way.

No more sleepovers and bringing him curfew forward considerably is way too much.

I’d ground him for a week and tell him no sleep overs for 2 weeks but I wouldn’t be doing anything else.

What happens if next time he goes out for twice as long etc you need give a punishment but not enough to push him into rebelling and you end up with nothing else to use.

Sorry to hear about your cancer worries, but seriously chill with the curfew malarkey. He's a 6th former now not a child. At that age we were hiring night clubs for parties and strolling into class hungover and with no sleep! Yes we all managed it, passed out A-levels, went to university and all have careers now- chill.

I wouldn't necessarily worry that much if it were a case of his actually going to a sleepover and being out late in London with his host/the group while he told you/let you assume he was safely in for the night at the host's house.

BUT since he wasn't even with the sleepover host/group, I'd dig more into who he was with/meeting and why, since he seems to have made up a completely fake cover story, not just left out/altered some details. To me, the issue wouldn't be London at 1 AM being inherently dangerous or his being too young to be out that late, but rather why he made up a whole fake story to hide whatever he was doing. I'm not saying it's cause for alarm, but it's a little more serious than breaking curfew or lying about what time they got home.

Gosh this gets worse, so desperate to prove yourself as a good parent you think him staying at a close uni due to a shard hobby with his Dad is a positive. That’s one of the worst reasons for choosing a university and you should have been discouraging that. It doesn’t paint either of you in a good light tbh.

He was with friends. The alternative is he leaves them to get home earlier and that’s not much better.

I wouldn’t come down to hard on him.

I pulled all sorts of stunts like this as a teen. Me and my parents were stuck in a constant cycle of lies and being grounded for a good few years.

Plenty of kids go through a stage like this and come out the other side completely normal human beings with successful careers. No one’s minimising your hurt and frustration, but most people know it’ll just be a phase.