16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

Op it sounds like you don't like the 3rd child.
My mother was a bit like you so controlling she had to have control.
I left home as soon as I could and never went back.

The fact that the law says a 16 year old can live alone, strongly suggests that they are capable of taking care of themselves. Now I'm not saying we should all boot our 16 year olds out, but if someone is old enough to actually live alone legally, it's not surprising that they aren't taking kindly to being told what time to come home.

If you’re not ok with it then you’re not ok with it but…I was doing a lot worse at 16

Agree
We did much the same

They Told us a general idea of what time they’d be home / ready to come home
and
always knew we’d pick them up from wherever

As they were boarders they had fewer freedoms during term time and in a way we had less experience of dealing with them. I would never have given such early curfews though.

I do actually. And still think you are being vvvvu. Particularly in expecting an ADHD 16 year old to be able to make better choices when in a group situation with friends.

It seems as if you expected him to leave his friends and ensure he was back at his own home by 10.30pm when it seemed like his friends weren’t going back to the sleepover house by 10.30pm.

Bizarre expectation.

I think the way you talk about him is quite sad. You say you've known "since conception" that he would be trouble, so of course he's fulfilled that prophecy.

He lied. Teenagers do it. I certainly don't think that it's as bad as you make it out to be

I gave birth at that age

His 16.
You are going to let him stay out a little later at 17?
Are you joking? What about 18? 21?

Let the boy live

Some are capable sure

my 16 year old has adhd and would not be capable

more to the point, I wouldn’t want him to take care of himself

i I sure as heck wasn’t at 16

and I’m doing ok 😆

I’m sorry about your health situation OP. But TBH this is uncomfortable reading how ‘you always knew he would be trouble from conception’. It’s very possible that your son is sensing your ambiguity towards him, and his behaviour is reflecting this. Equally, children are more likely to lie within a household where there is more focus on rules than open communication. Either way I think I would try to take a few deep breaths, let him know how disappointed you are with him, but I would focus on your own health for a while rather than maintaining punishments which are being set up to be broken and the cause of more stress for both of you .

1. *If you need me too I will always come and get you.*

I add that I will pick up no questions asked at all until morning. And I mean it.

I couldn't get worked up about this. If he has to lie about where he, then over reacting won't help.

I am very uncomfortable and sad with the way the op relentlessly lays in to him, even from conception!

I 100% agree with a 16 year old, let alone a 16 year old with adhd, having a curfew

But AdHD or no, in less than 2 years he will be an adult. Sixth form is the time to start to talk about mutual respect and trust, rather than arbitary curfews and rules. 10:30 is a yr 9/10 curfew IMO. Midnight in yr 11 here.

Per child

I don’t know about ‘legally’, but does that ever happen completely in practice? To my knowledge a landlord wouldn’t accept a 16 year old on a rental agreement and a local authority would place a 16 year old in some kind of supported accommodation. So yes they are living without parental oversight but still somewhere with rules and very possibly a curfew.

I am NT

I was very much still parented at 16, at 17 and 18.

I trotted off to uni knowing the bare basics
would
Would home at the holiday with bags of washing
my mum would have the fridge full of
my favourite food and my bedroom tidied up and treats left on my bed. My washing done whilst I was at home.

i am now a very successful professional single mother of two teens - completely financial independent, responsible for 90% of
Cooking and cleaning and life admin.

we have decades of being an adult so what’s the mad rush at 16

Since conception? Are you sure he's not just fulfilling your expectations?

There’s loads of mumsnetters who had their own flat and 4 jobs at 16

@Phunkychicken the above poster has it.

YANBU to be upset because he’s a silly teenager who lied to you.

YABU to say ‘I've known literally since conception her would be trouble, they had to give him a bigger folder as he was in A&E so often as a baby/toddler -massive thrill seeker and no sense of danger.’ Please don’t treat your teen son differently because of his past behaviour as a toddler. And you must stop calling him problematic - it’s unfair and will be a self-fulfilling prophecy - be careful what you wish for.

To quote you @Neurodiversitydoctor

There is nothing magical about the age 16 or 18. Risk assesment is a iterative process throughout adolescence.

How do you expect to enforce curfews at other people’s houses anyway? You either let them go on sleepovers - in which case the rules of the host house prevail - or you insist on a curfew to be back at your own house.

DD2 and her friends are y12 and Y13 and none of them are going into London of an evening yet. Parties generally finish at 11.30pm.when parents collect them. Last night's one she stayed over so could have been later but I don't mind about that. Being out in London late would be quite different.

Not the least because the last train would have gone if they were still at KGX at 1am. They have been to a concert and got back at half past midnight but to me that's still different from just hanging about somewhere random in Kings Cross. And also not being honest about timing.

16 year olds are not adults and vary enormously in maturity. It's not unreasonable for there to be a time they have to be home by. DD2 also has a part time job to be up for.

I used to stay out most of the night at that age some weekends. Used to go clubbing, get drunk and walk about on the beach after. Or go to houses of people my parents didn't know existed.
I didn't have a curfew for my 16 year olds. I also found that by not having restrictions, my children (as far as I know) were pretty honest about where they were.

Unfortunately the tighter you try to tie this one down, the more he will push away. Must be difficult,especially with your health concerns, but try to chill out