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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

243 replies

Phunkychicken · 01/11/2025 13:49

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 01/11/2025 16:31

My sixth former daughter doesn’t have a curfew just a rule that she keeps me updated where she is. For ease she’ll often send a WhatsApp location if she’s moving around or in a city. For me it’s about her safety rather than control.

Our other rules:

She also needs to be with a friend and never leave a friend behind.

If anyone in her group is in trouble (drunk too much) then she should call me

TeenLifeMum · 01/11/2025 16:33

Overdonecabbage · 01/11/2025 16:07

  1. *If you need me too I will always come and get you.*

I add that I will pick up no questions asked at all until morning. And I mean it.

Yep, we say this.

picking dd1 up at 1am on Wednesday when I had work Thursday at 8am was not my favourite thing but I did it to ensure she’s safe. Once she can drive I’ll be calling on her for favours!

Supershiny · 01/11/2025 16:34

I had a ‘no lying’ rule with my kids (now in their late 30’s) and as far as I know they never lied. We talked things through that I wasn’t happy about and always came to a good compromise. They still got in trouble, a couple of minor police involvements, but they were always honest about it.
I always felt that if they really wanted to do something then teenagers find a way to make it happen so I’d rather just know what they were up to…it worked for us, even though they still did some things that I wasn’t always happy about. If they think you’re always going to say no then they’ll just end up lying.

SmallestGnome · 01/11/2025 16:36

Haven't we all stayed out considerably past curfew and lied about where we were? It's part of the teenage experience. I'm thankful my parents didn't have trackers on me when I was growing up.

He's safe, don't sweat it. Tell him you were worried and you'd prefer him to be honest next time, but I wouldn't be making a big deal about it.

At his age I was doing much worse and FWIW I'm a well rounded individual with 2 children and a background in law. It seems you've written him off before he's even had a chance to live his life.

spoonbillstretford · 01/11/2025 16:37

herbalteabag · 01/11/2025 16:26

I used to stay out most of the night at that age some weekends. Used to go clubbing, get drunk and walk about on the beach after. Or go to houses of people my parents didn't know existed.
I didn't have a curfew for my 16 year olds. I also found that by not having restrictions, my children (as far as I know) were pretty honest about where they were.

Well there were the cool well off girls with lax parents going clubbing, taking Es and having older boyfriends when I was 14/15. Doesn't mean it was a good idea, and I'm really glad I wasn't in that group.

At 16 I could get served in a pub so we were going out regularly in Y12. But now pubs and clubs are really strict on ID so if a 16 year old is going out in London they will just be hanging around outdoors which is quite different from going to a specific place. So mine did not go (they didn't even want to go) to pubs etc until 18 as they would not be served. They do go to parties and drink alcohol but parents are around and they get picked up or walk home in a big group.

I did go out and drink at this age but very much with training wheels on, same as with DDs. That seems an entirely sensible approach to me, they are so vulnerable at this age if out and about late when you don't know where they are.

Daisy12Maisie · 01/11/2025 16:38

I hope the surgery goes ok.
I think in 6th form they need to be let go a bit. My 16 year old doesn’t have a curfew and he can have friends round whenever he wants. We have a log cabin in the garden and him and his friends hang out there so they don’t disturb me.
He has missed 2 big social events lately as he was visiting his dad. Not his fault he has separated parents. He is going 3 really hard A levels and he has a part time job so I think I need to let him relax and do what he wants the rest of the time. I get very anxious about safety so I track him and his brother on life 360 so I always know where they are. They are fine with that. If him and his friends are having a couple of beers he will text me when he goes to bed to let me know he is ok. I can see on the life 360 when he is home. I worry about him near water on a night out. (lots of young men have drowned in our area over the years) so I can see he is not near water so I can relax and go to sleep.

Im not saying my way is the right way at all but I think pick your battles and focus on him keeping in touch and letting you know he is safe rather than worrying about a curfew.

I would tell him you haven’t been feeling well and you were worried about him and other than that just make up with him.
Maybe say your priority is his safety so can he keep you updated and let you know he is safe and in return you will relax the curfew.

When I went to uni the women who had come from the strictest homes were the ones who went absolutely wild so I think it’s better to let teenagers have a bit more freedom. (Just my opinion).

user2848502016 · 01/11/2025 16:39

Phunkychicken · 01/11/2025 15:21

jeez I don't dislike him, he's the 'problematic' third child to show this ain't my first rodeo.

He is close to me, incredibly close to DH and looking at going to a nearby uni so they can continue their weekend hobby together, so sorry to disappoint on that front.

I was just venting about the lying, turns out I shouldn't have bothered

Well no it shows you need to take some of this on board and think about whether you want to change anything about how you parent your child. People have pretty unanimously told you YABU and are being too strict so there’s a reason for that….

CuddlyPug · 01/11/2025 16:39

Neither of my sons had a curfew. One of them is ADHD but he's a bit of a homebody.

spoonbillstretford · 01/11/2025 16:40

SmallestGnome · 01/11/2025 16:36

Haven't we all stayed out considerably past curfew and lied about where we were? It's part of the teenage experience. I'm thankful my parents didn't have trackers on me when I was growing up.

He's safe, don't sweat it. Tell him you were worried and you'd prefer him to be honest next time, but I wouldn't be making a big deal about it.

At his age I was doing much worse and FWIW I'm a well rounded individual with 2 children and a background in law. It seems you've written him off before he's even had a chance to live his life.

Actually no - but that was because my parents let me come in at a reasonable time. Or they picked me up! Take note @Phunkychicken . So I didn't have to lie as there was no reason to be dishonest.

Mirroronthefloor · 01/11/2025 16:40

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 01/11/2025 16:14

I don’t know about ‘legally’, but does that ever happen completely in practice? To my knowledge a landlord wouldn’t accept a 16 year old on a rental agreement and a local authority would place a 16 year old in some kind of supported accommodation. So yes they are living without parental oversight but still somewhere with rules and very possibly a curfew.

I gave birth when I was 16 also lived in a shared house with no curfews or parental oversight. Less than ten years ago I doubt laws have changed too much since

WiseAdviceNeededPlease · 01/11/2025 16:41

I'm really sorry about the extra stress you're dealing with on the medical front, have been there, the waiting to find out is the worst part. I was doing exactly the same as your son at that age but I didn't get found out, I'm law abiding and functional etc.. I just didn't tell my parents what I was doing because they would say no. Maybe better to try and find a compromise if you want him to be honest about his plans I think it's pretty normal teen behaviour it's a stressful age for parents! Sending solidarity.

FKAT · 01/11/2025 16:42

You see I think it's bizarre to be picking 17/18 year olds up from parties - unless you live in a very rural area with no taxis and no friend who can drive.

I'm in London. I think if you're adult enough to go to a party, you're adult enough to get yourself home.

Also did none of your 16yos go to Reading Festival / on holiday with friends / interrailing after GCSEs? DS went on a lads holiday. DNiece went interrailing around Europe for 6 weeks with her boyfriend. It would be a bit weird to impose a curfew after that.

Overdonecabbage · 01/11/2025 16:45

Mirroronthefloor · 01/11/2025 16:40

I gave birth when I was 16 also lived in a shared house with no curfews or parental oversight. Less than ten years ago I doubt laws have changed too much since

Sweeping the chimney at 7?

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 01/11/2025 16:46

16 year old lies to stay out later than his 10.30pm curfew. Stop the fuckin press.

10.30pm 🤣🤣🤣

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2025 16:52

FKAT · 01/11/2025 16:42

You see I think it's bizarre to be picking 17/18 year olds up from parties - unless you live in a very rural area with no taxis and no friend who can drive.

I'm in London. I think if you're adult enough to go to a party, you're adult enough to get yourself home.

Also did none of your 16yos go to Reading Festival / on holiday with friends / interrailing after GCSEs? DS went on a lads holiday. DNiece went interrailing around Europe for 6 weeks with her boyfriend. It would be a bit weird to impose a curfew after that.

Edited

Yes Dd did go to reading. As I said no curfew in sixth form.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/11/2025 16:54

I think your health worries are making you spiral and his behaviour is having more of an impact.. and you are working yourself up which can't be good for you. I'm sorry you are going through this worry and I hope that you get the results you hope for.

It troubles me to read him described as "trouble since conception." (how could you possibly know that?) and "a thrill seeker" who is always in A & E. "He is the problematic third child" like he's the difficult third album or something. You say that he doesn't know about these labels but I guarantee you, he absolutely does, it leaps out of your posts and it will certainly come across in your attitude to him. It may make him feel like the family scapegoat who can do no right and that can really affect him, so that he thinks Oh well if they think that's what I'm like, why bother? I may as well live up to it.

He's home safe. That is the main thing.
He's now a sixth former and a third sibling, so he's used to seeing older siblings out partying. He was with friends, not alone. He's still finding his feet at sixth form and making new friends, he will soon find out if they are a bit over the top. It's a learning curve for both of you.

I don't think "punishments" work that well and are more stressful for you. I think he's lied to you because he knows what the reaction would be if he told you the truth.
Try to talk to him (preferably not at home but maybe a cafe or with pizza or similar bribe so he knows this discussion will be different. ) Sit him down adult to nearly adult ie not as an angry parent who will kick off if he says the wrong thing (tempting though that may be) Tell him you are feeling under the weather and this has made you extra worried.

Reassure him that he can tell you frankly why he was late and ask him WHY he thinks its OK for him to lie about it because you need to be able to trust him to give him more leeway. And ask him how he would feel if someone did that to him.
I think you would get a lot further with him with this approach and its worth a try given the alternative. Ask him what he thinks is fair in terms of going out and get him to say why... there must be some meeting ground there. You want to create an atmosphere where he is willing to talk to you about things like this, because then you can give advice.

Its different for everyone but The rules we had were,

  • no big outings on a school night
  • nothing that would affect getting homework done.
  • always go with friends (preferably ones we knew)
  • prove they knew the routes home.. and how and where to get the night bus if they miss the last train connection.
  • Carry spare cash for emergencies, and a charged phone which is on our find my phone.
  • text if there is any change of plan and keep in touch.
  • Also share the number of one or two close friends (having sworn first I'd never use it)
  • And if they got into any kind of trouble, they could ring and we'd help.

We still had our ups and downs but these rules generally worked. And its better that they do this learning curve now than when they are far from home on their travels or at uni etc.

Maybe get your siblings to take him out and show him the ropes, (or judge if they think he's capable of handling it) That may go a long way towards reassuring you, so that you can concentrate on your health and feel less anxious.

Mirroronthefloor · 01/11/2025 16:55

Overdonecabbage · 01/11/2025 16:45

Sweeping the chimney at 7?

Implying I’m lying? I’m not information is available online to see 16 year olds can live apart from their parents without it being some kind of supported accommodation

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 01/11/2025 16:59

Safe is the big thing. And that means not lying.

The kids that seem to lie to their parents are the ones with unreasonable rules.

"My child has never had a smart phone" smugly said by one parent back in Y9... well apart from the one they got off their friend that they are using on WiFi without your knowledge...

DD knows that her safety is always my main concern and that she will NEVER be in trouble calling to be picked up/rescued at any time and any place. I would rather not have rules that she's going to want to break so that she only has a reason to be honest and upfront with us.

FKAT · 01/11/2025 17:01

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2025 16:52

Yes Dd did go to reading. As I said no curfew in sixth form.

Yes, sorry. It was more of a rhetorical question or a random line of thinking on my part - given that 99% of PPs don't have curfews for 16 year olds.

TheaBrandt1 · 01/11/2025 17:17

Can’t believe a 16 year lad has 10.30 curfew on Halloween. You are way too strict and up tight. Surprised you are a third time parent that is definitely not coming across.

whynotwhatknot · 01/11/2025 17:24

i understanf about lying but we all did it i pretened once to be round at a friends when i was out all night

didnt have a curfew that early though not at 16

TheaBrandt1 · 01/11/2025 17:27

My friends who lied when I was a teen did so because they had hysterical silly up tight parents. I made a mental note at 17 not to parent like that and we haven’t. We have an adult collegiate open dialogue with our teens. We don’t have silly curfews and pointless rules. We respect them and they respect us. It’s turned out well.

SendhelpToddlerBoy566 · 01/11/2025 17:27

waterrat · 01/11/2025 15:38

At that age I was literally out all night - and that was the 90s with no mobile phones.

Sorry but that is very unusual and would have been viewed as quite neglectful in my/my parents' circle.

estrogone · 01/11/2025 17:29

Phunkychicken · 01/11/2025 14:36

The mate he stayed at was home alone. It's the fact that he lied to us, many times, and was in Kings X at 1am, that is not sensible for a 16yo who has frankly showed he's rather immature and not great at decision making. We live 15+ miles away for context. Was also stopped by Police a couple of weeks ago, ttbf on a flimsy premise but a couple of them were apparently carrying weed (not that it was found).

Since starting sixth form his friendship group has split and he's suddenly with new people don't stuff like this, his 'ols' friends go out and have fun but not in this way.

I've known literally since conception her would be trouble, they had to give him a bigger folder as he was in A&E so often as a baby/toddler -massive thrill seeker and no sense of danger.

Crikey. You painted him the black sheep at conception??

I actually don't even know how to respond to your post. Your child is likely lying to you because you of your 'my way or the highway attitude'.

purple590 · 01/11/2025 17:31

I absolutely hate lying, but I lied to my mum almost constantly from 15 - 19! Did loads of stupid things but had amazing times.

I can't believe you never lied to your parents OP!