16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

How did you know he was still in town is his phone tracked. To be honest I would just be glad he got back safely. I expect most teenagers have done this over the years even when there were no phones. Agree with the no sleep overs for a while but not the curfew is that really going to help. Did the parents of the sleepover know where they were.

This doesn't seem particularly severe behaviour ! Surely every 16 year old has stayed out late sometimes ?

Its not ideal..byt I was out raving all night at that age...

I really dont think you should make him come home early or restrict him being out in the longer term. Surely being out with friends is better for teens than sitting around at home.

This is an age where they are naturally just becoming closer to totally independent

The mate he stayed at was home alone. It's the fact that he lied to us, many times, and was in Kings X at 1am, that is not sensible for a 16yo who has frankly showed he's rather immature and not great at decision making. We live 15+ miles away for context. Was also stopped by Police a couple of weeks ago, ttbf on a flimsy premise but a couple of them were apparently carrying weed (not that it was found).

Since starting sixth form his friendship group has split and he's suddenly with new people don't stuff like this, his 'ols' friends go out and have fun but not in this way.

I've known literally since conception her would be trouble, they had to give him a bigger folder as he was in A&E so often as a baby/toddler -massive thrill seeker and no sense of danger.

Massive over reaction. Have you tried talking to him about why he was there, what the train situation was or why he felt the need to lie?

Oh my god you'd have hated 16 year old me if staying out a bit later than curfew and lying about it is the end of the world (incidentally he lied because he knew you'd absolutely hit the roof if he told the truth, not a great precedent to set with teenagers!)

I'm going to channel 16 year old me and say chill the fuck out. Have you considered that you thinking he'd be trouble from the moment of conception (what the actual fuck by the way) has maybe contributed to him wanting to push boundaries a bit? Knowing you'll get bollocked either way because you're viewed as "the problem child" from actual birth isn't a great incentive to behave well, is it?

You, um, are dropping in quite a lot of stuff here, aren't you? I don't think hiding his cancer diagnosis is something most people put in parentheses - if that's what you mean by saying he doesn't know. Nor do most sane parents claim they knew their child would be difficult because they had a hard time as a baby.

Obviously I've never told him that, but he has been incredibly hard work since he was born. Far far more so than both his siblings together.

I don't know what type of parents you are but none off my friend/family/wider group of parents would be happy with their kids doing this either. He lied as he knew it wouldn't be allowed, I can't believe you think that hanging around Kings X is a sensible ideas for a group of 16yo.

And yes, I used to go out clubbing etc too but lying is an absolute no. Once he's shown himself to make better decisions and be reliable we can revisit but this has proved why he had a curfew.

It's my suspected cancer not his, until it's confirmed there's no point worrying him as there's a chance the mass is benign. Of course I wouldn't hide their own diagnosis, that's insane

I think you are over-reacting to be honest. He’s 16 and a 10.30 ‘curfew’ is not reasonable. I’m also concerned about your comments on him ‘being trouble’ since conception. That’s not a good way to talk about your child and maybe he is rebelling against this attitude towards him? The more you argue with him and try to impost rigid rules, the more he will push back. And take a step back and think about your attitude towards him; he maybe senses that and is pushing your buttons.

Solidarity. I think your other stressors are clouding your reaction. It’s the lying that would bother me. I’d do no sleepover for a month

Why did you post if you already have the answers? If you feel the lying is bad (I agree) and the breaking of curfew is bad (possibly), then what do you want anyone else to say?

FWIW I don't think it's wonderful he lied, but 10.30 feels like quite an early curfew for a 16 year old, and Kings Cross is hardly the red light area it was 20 years ago.

And clearly none of you have ADHD kids if you couldn't tell from a v young age they were 'different'

Anything else you want to drop in while you're at it?

I'm sorry about your cancer surgery. Not my business but I think you should tell him. You can't pull him up on lying when you are lying by omission.

Agree with PP. I don't think 10.30 is a reasonable curfew for a 6th former. DS16 has been wandering the streets of London later than that since he was 14/15. Kings Cross at midnight will be a hell of a lot safer than a suburban park at midnight. Well-policed, well-lit, lots of people.

Im a fairly strict parent but that curfew is crazy for a sixth former.
This wouldn’t really bother me. The lying is because your expectations are so unreasonable. What’s he supposed to do-ask his friend to leave early with him or go back to his friend’s house alone? One is very embarrassing for a teenager and the other is less safe than staying with a group.

Meh, it’s what 16yr olds do. Rather than being furious and punishing him, maybe try and have a sensible conversation about it. Treating him like a baby won’t help.

Do you really all just let your kids go out and come back wherever they want? He'd literally never be home and would be kicked out of school if we did, he has no stop button.

So idea was to increase his curfew when he's 17. But the lying is a complete no

No kidding. Plus calling him the “problematic third child” and saying she “can’t be arsed with him anymore.”

What a horrible way to speak about your child. Christ.

I'm sorry about your cancer, but not sure if you're more angry that he lied, or was in London?

It's a tricky age, agree that 22:30 is early for a sixth former on half term/weekend.

Could you find out from him why he lied - was it that he felt that you wouldn't agree with him going into London? Would it be better to compromise going forward where he was honest about who he was going to meet up with and in exchange he kept to a realistic curfew?

The mate he stayed at was home alone.

This is the problem. Your ds wasn't in sole control of the evening if he needed his friend to leave with him to get home by the curfew.

Kings Cross on a Friday is busy and well populated with people out having a good time - no greater risk at 1am than 11pm, IMO / IME.

He should not have lied - he should just have said 'Friend wasn't up for going home so I thought best to stick together, and I couldn't have got into his house alone'

How would you have reacted? If he thought you would have been furious / grounded him / embarrassed him in front of his friends then he took a risk...you found out so are furious etc, but he might have got away with it, so he took the risk.

He's a normal teen - stop casting him as the family problem.

I hope your hospital treatment goes well. Not an easy time for you.

I've never known a sixth former have a curfew. 10.30 is a very early one too! Maybe it's time to loosen the restrictions.

Yes, you've got it right. Everyone else just has open house for their kids, because that's the only other possibility than a 10.30 curfew at age 16. Come on.

Not one bit of any of your posts indicate you like this ‘problematic third child’ very much. Is it because he’s got a mind of his own and won’t bend to your will. He’s pushing his boundaries sure, like the vast majority of teenagers do. By imposing the sanctions on him like you plan to do will just drive him away and by the time he’s 18, he’ll be telling you nothing at all.

At 16 and in sixth form I don’t think I’d get too worked up about this tbh, not ideal but at least he told you the truth and went back to the friends house eventually.
There a far worse things he could be doing.
I was sneaking in to the student’s union nightclub at 16 and buying pints of cider.
Also you sound a bit harsh, you cannot possibly have known at conception that he’d be trouble! How about seeing his love for adventure as a positive thing?

Solidarity. Lying, about anything, is a total no-no for me.

Try telling him you have health worries at the moment and do not need this kind of stress.

You are important too. He must learn the effect that his behaviour has on the people who care about him.