DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

I think you need to contact the school and ask if they can make sure no harm comes to your son who has done the right thing of reporting what is essentially child on child sexual abuse. He's been a fair whistle-blower and he deserves protection.

The school should really be taking this more seriously that they've had a child masturbating on their grounds, and then send that video to another child who could not consent to viewing that video.

That's absolutely awful.

Thanks for responding. I don’t know what action the school is going to take; DS says the girl wants to protect her boyfriend so has deleted that video and denied its existence to the administrators. Apparently some other children saw the video, but they thought it was up to the girl to report it, and are scared of the boyfriend. I’m going to contact DS’s pastoral care person - who he reported it to initially - in the morning and let her know about his worries.

I’m angry with myself that my first reaction was “oh god DS, what have you done?!”. I didn’t say that, but I thought it! I should be proud of him, but I’m a coward who hates any sort of confrontation myself, and I want him to be safe and have friends.

He absolutely should have reported it and should be supported to maintain that position. Sending sexual content involving minors is criminal. The children DO know that and that poor girl shouldn’t be having to receive it.

He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

Another pupil filmed it??

You should congratulate your son on knowing right from wrong and crucially being brave enough to act on it. If more teenage boys (and in fact, grown men) were like him the world would be a better place.

Losing the friend who filmed it is not great loss. Does he want to be friends with someone who will film someone masturbating at school so he can send it unsolicited to a teenage girl? Do you want him to be friends with this person?

The girl will eventually see that DS was correct and acted in an honourable way. Unfortunately, that may not happen for a few years yet.

Back DS. Push the school to protect your DS and deal with this situation properly.

Yes!! 😬😬😬 DS says the kid who filmed is “a nice guy who has terrible judgment”. No kidding.

Jesus. I’d be glad your sons got the common sense to realise how wrong this all is and back him all the way. I wouldn’t be worried about people finding out he reported it, I think the boys who participated in this should be more concerned about other pupils finding out that one filmed the other while w@nking 🤦🏼‍♀️ Not to forget that’s it’s distributing child p@rn regardless of whether they are children themselves

You are absolutely right, and your post made me choke up a bit. I’ve always been concerned about how DS’s neurodivergence might affect his maturity and judgment (he does some pretty daft things!) but his conviction to do the right thing, even at personal cost shows me that we’ve done alright with him.

I just wish his peers would catch up.

That was my thought!

The situation with the girl sounds tragic; according to DS her home life is awful and she’s had a string of terrible experiences with boys despite being only 14. And now she’s crazy about this vile boy and wants to protect him. I can’t believe that just a few years ago, the biggest school dramas were about Pokemon cards. God, this parenting teens thing is hard!

Two of them. The whole thing is gross. What the feck is going on? Your DS was right to report it and should be protected by the school.

I think people on this thread are being idealistic and naive frankly. High schools can be bloody dangerous environments. Only the other day I was reading about a fatal stabbing in a school in Sheffield. I think you need to speak to the school about how they can help diffuse this situation for your son. Going forward you need to talk to him about keeping out of situations like this and the reasons why.

I might be inclined to report the issue to the police. The girl is 14!!! Not sure where you are but this is below the age of consent in most countries, and if the school won't address it the police should.

Your DS is the only one who did the decent thing here.

Maybe he could change schools? It's sounds like a really weird setup with boys filming each other masturbating and circulating videos like these. Girls are subjected to illegal videos. All sorts of weird stuff. I wouldn't want my son or daughter in a school like this.
Report it to the police. Expect the school to take robust action and ask them to protect your son. Consider moving schools.
All the other children in the school know what happened and know who is wrong.

Well done to your son. He did the right thing and be proud of him

school should protect him

contact the police. They will easily be able to find the video even if deleted with their software

this is sexual abuse and needs to be stopped imm. And school should do something as serious red flags and safe guarding. To the girlfriend - your son - the ones who were filming it and also age dependent on the bf himself

Poor kid. Protect and defend him. Make sure he knows you have his back.

Agree. Your son did the right and honorable thing but it’s not street wise and he needs to get a bit more street smarts or life will be too hard for him.
can you tell him he was right to see how wrong the whole situation is but that if another time something like this happens, he should come to you first and you’ll help him work out the best way to handle the situation which also protects him.

I don’t think it was your son’s place to report it, the girl involved decided against it, and your son should have respected her decision. He has overstepped despite his intentions coning from a good place.

Especially as the filming and then having any kind of image of a child is illegal, regardless of whether they are children themselves.

My advice would be to agree that ds acted honourably, but ask him to consider that it was not his decision to make if the others had decided to delete and ignore. That he should discuss with you going forward if he has tricky decisions to make.

And yes, of course he did the right thing. Unfortunately that won't protect him from bullies.

I've a horrible feeling this sort of thing is commom.

You're doing great OP, you're a caring parent and you've done well with your son. I would actually ask to make an appointment with the school head as soon as possible to discuss it and any possible repercussions to your son. If they see this is serious enough that you want a meeting, they should take it seriously. And perhaps even get some help for the girl.

Only you @IcyBobwill know if you are in the kind of country where this could blow up with extremely severe punishments.

I don't actually think your son reporting this was the 'right' thing to do - the girl was the victim here, and if she didn't want to report it he should have respected that, even if he didn't agree with it.

If these boys are bullies, he may well have caused trouble for the girl involved, as well as for himself.

He acted with good intentions yes, but without thinking about what reporting the incident would actually mean for everyone involved.

That's the problem with autistic children, everything is black and white with them. Your son did the wrong thing for the right reasons. By reporting it to the school he took the power away from the initial victim (the girl), and this needs to be explained to him and an alternative action such as coming to you first put in place. That said, the school has a responsibility to protect pupils that make complaints or what's the point?
What to do now? Definitely let the school know your concerns and really the Police should be informed. They are especially trained to get to the truth in these matters and will also know how to handle the victim sensitively. Don't you have a policy with sa victims in UK where a complaint can be lodged but it is up to the victim if and when it is actioned? They can retrieve deleted material on phones too I believe.
I do understand what you are going through. I have a bright but autistic son who also reported sa against another pupils when he was in high school. Was a bit different though as the victim agreed to him doing this and his classmates backed him. I was a little worried about repercussions at first though.
Good luck op, your son sounds like a good kid.

So you think the girl was wronged? If a teacher had seen it instead of DS and the teacher had reported it, would you say the teacher also was in the wrong?