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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

405 replies

IcyBob · 24/10/2025 00:38

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

OP posts:
SweetnsourNZ · 24/10/2025 06:02

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/10/2025 01:48

Well done to your son. He did the right thing and be proud of him

school should protect him

contact the police. They will easily be able to find the video even if deleted with their software

this is sexual abuse and needs to be stopped imm. And school should do something as serious red flags and safe guarding. To the girlfriend - your son - the ones who were filming it and also age dependent on the bf himself

Maybe the school is. Hopefully they are but due to privacy they are keeping it quiet.

SweetnsourNZ · 24/10/2025 06:17

CallItLoneliness · 24/10/2025 01:40

I might be inclined to report the issue to the police. The girl is 14!!! Not sure where you are but this is below the age of consent in most countries, and if the school won't address it the police should.

I would definitely be reporting it to Police. This girl probably isn't his only victim and the fact he had a partner in crime filming it is scary. SA is always a traumatic situation for all concerned but that's what abusers rely on. Everyone keeping quiet and not upsetting anyone. What's the chance the creepy bf will coerce the girl into sending him nude photos or worse and then putting them on the www.

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 24/10/2025 06:19

Please be proud of your son. He has acted with courage to protect a girl who sounds pretty vulnerable.

It’s important to have friends, of course, but not at any cost and certainly not at the cost of enabling bullies. Your job is to ensure that th school leaders do their job and protect your son.

itsgettingweird · 24/10/2025 06:27

What an absolute star your ds is.

Absolutely contact the school and ask how they are going to keep him safe after doing the right thing.

I understand your concerns though and your reaction. My ds is also autistic and extremely black and white with a strong sense of right and wrong. He reports things without any hesitation and sometimes my initial thought is “you shouldn’t have got involved”. But I’ve adjusted my thinking overtime and realised he’s likely to be one of the few people who save someone at risk. And for that I’m proud of him despite the worry.

SweetnsourNZ · 24/10/2025 06:28

Muu9 · 24/10/2025 05:57

So you think the girl was wronged? If a teacher had seen it instead of DS and the teacher had reported it, would you say the teacher also was in the wrong?

Show quote history

Would have been a different scenario though as they would have been caught red-handed by someone with more power than them. Her son is in the middle and that's where it's dangerous for him.

SweetnsourNZ · 24/10/2025 06:32

itsgettingweird · 24/10/2025 06:27

What an absolute star your ds is.

Absolutely contact the school and ask how they are going to keep him safe after doing the right thing.

I understand your concerns though and your reaction. My ds is also autistic and extremely black and white with a strong sense of right and wrong. He reports things without any hesitation and sometimes my initial thought is “you shouldn’t have got involved”. But I’ve adjusted my thinking overtime and realised he’s likely to be one of the few people who save someone at risk. And for that I’m proud of him despite the worry.

I would also ask the school why they think your son would lie about such a thing too. Don't they consider that really strange? Kids don't usually just make this stuff up.

Perfect28 · 24/10/2025 06:32

Are you telling us that another boy filmed the boyfriend masturbating.

Your son did the right thing, just back him.

Barryana · 24/10/2025 06:42

He did the right thing. Hopefully it will die down quickly. But that girl will remember he cared enough to report it. And i think those boys will realise it was gross eventually.

WhatNoRaisins · 24/10/2025 06:43

I get the difficulty here, as much as I believe in teaching our kids to be good people I think secondary school is an environment that has to be survived.

I'd be telling him how it's great to want to do the right thing but sometimes you've only got so much influence on a situation.

UnintentionalArcher · 24/10/2025 06:46

Your son absolutely did the right thing. He reported a crime that he was witness to. I understand the desire to protect him - for the future, however, I don’t think a message of ‘don’t get involved’, especially to a black and white thinker, would be helpful as it may simply send him the other way so he feels that he should never act on anything.

In my experience, quite a few teens would report this kind of thing. In our school, it’s something we would likely come to hear of, and from more than one student, as there are lots of children who realise how very wrong this is and a number (ND and non-ND) who would act on that feeling. My point being that he’s not alone or particularly unusual in what he’s done and we should celebrate when young people know right from wrong and have the courage of their convictions.

Given your concerns, I think you’re right to speak to the school about ensuring he is protected from any fallout. You may also want to speak to him about how he reported it - the children I have in mind who report things like this often find subtle ways to do so and he might want to know how to do this in future if he was quite public about it this time. Nonetheless, him speaking out in what I presume was a fairly public way will have sent a message to his peers (lots of whom will have thought the same as him) about this being very wrong, which shows real strength of character.

SunnyKoala · 24/10/2025 06:53

He did the right thing. He didn't take power away from the girl, she's being bullied/abused and therefore needs those around her to step in to help protect her when she's too vulnerable.

Knowing right from wrong and being brave is a protective characteristic in life. Meeting challenges it brings will help him work out his limits. I think it would be a good idea to politely remind the school to look out for him but hopefully they will.

lessglittermoremud · 24/10/2025 06:54

My eldest son (ASD) would have done exactly the same thing and reported it, a friend of his was being bullied, he quoted the anti bullying policy to the perpetrator and went and reported it straight away against his friends wishes as her life was being made a misery.
It made him a little unpopular for a little while, but he didn’t give a flying fig because in his mind he had done absolutely the right thing. At the time I was super worried but in fact it’s made him a few more friends because people know he’s not one to mess around and is loyal and the school were fantastic once they were aware of what had been going on.
Your son was absolutely right to report it, I would hope any child neuro diversity aside would have the confidence and knowledge to the same.
Interestingly my sons consultant when he was diagnosed said a lot of children become police officers because they see things very black/white, feel most confident when rules are in place and the law doesn’t have many grey areas.
You should be so proud but I totally understand the worry about him going against the grain and standing for what is right.

Fluffytoebeanz · 24/10/2025 06:55

As the mother of a DD who was sexually assaulted at the age of 12 by someone in her year (went on for a while) I think you should be very proud of your son. There is a terrible misogyny in schools at the moment and it's being brushed under the carpet. She was told by the headteacher "boys will be boys".

And don't let them not deal with it.

Google the spoken word poem "Silly Billy" it sums it up

cuberoot · 24/10/2025 06:58

Pyjamatimenow · 24/10/2025 01:37

I think people on this thread are being idealistic and naive frankly. High schools can be bloody dangerous environments. Only the other day I was reading about a fatal stabbing in a school in Sheffield. I think you need to speak to the school about how they can help diffuse this situation for your son. Going forward you need to talk to him about keeping out of situations like this and the reasons why.

I sadly agree and share OP's worries. Contact the school immediately and ask for a detailed plan to protect your son.

ActuallyIthink · 24/10/2025 07:00

I dont think he did the right thing. The girl may have been uncomfortable due to where she received the video and wanted to handle it by speaking to her boyfriend about where and when that sort of thing is appropriate. The reality is that lots of 14 year olds are sexually experimenting to some degree. They are the same age and so there is nothing illegal about it.

A more appropriate response would be your son asking the girl how she would like to handle it, reminding her of her options such as reporting, and then following her lead. What he did was decide this was abuse and completely unwanted and then take it out of the victim's hands.

That's not supportive for the victim at all.

SleepWalkingtoSeville · 24/10/2025 07:04

Ohthatsabitshit · 24/10/2025 00:58

He absolutely should have reported it and should be supported to maintain that position. Sending sexual content involving minors is criminal. The children DO know that and that poor girl shouldn’t be having to receive it.

100% this. Your son did the right thing. You have done a good job raising him. Stand by it.

Sending sexual content to/of minors is a crime. Let alone the fact it was unsolicited and the girl seemed upset!

Perfect28 · 24/10/2025 07:05

ActuallyIthink · 24/10/2025 07:00

I dont think he did the right thing. The girl may have been uncomfortable due to where she received the video and wanted to handle it by speaking to her boyfriend about where and when that sort of thing is appropriate. The reality is that lots of 14 year olds are sexually experimenting to some degree. They are the same age and so there is nothing illegal about it.

A more appropriate response would be your son asking the girl how she would like to handle it, reminding her of her options such as reporting, and then following her lead. What he did was decide this was abuse and completely unwanted and then take it out of the victim's hands.

That's not supportive for the victim at all.

You are seriously mistaken here. There absolutely is something wrong, and illegal, about minors sharing intimate imagery.

Particularly as in this case it was unsolicited, which is actually a crime.

Age appropriate experimenting, sure. This is not that.

Tuuuuune · 24/10/2025 07:06

I also agree that people are being idealistic. And also that he decided that this was not something the girl wanted or could deal with and so took over the situation.

I do think that he thought he was doing the right thing though, and that he sounds like a great kid.

Beentheretoolong · 24/10/2025 07:11

ActuallyIthink · 24/10/2025 07:00

I dont think he did the right thing. The girl may have been uncomfortable due to where she received the video and wanted to handle it by speaking to her boyfriend about where and when that sort of thing is appropriate. The reality is that lots of 14 year olds are sexually experimenting to some degree. They are the same age and so there is nothing illegal about it.

A more appropriate response would be your son asking the girl how she would like to handle it, reminding her of her options such as reporting, and then following her lead. What he did was decide this was abuse and completely unwanted and then take it out of the victim's hands.

That's not supportive for the victim at all.

There is never going to be an appropriate time for a 14 yo to receive “that sort of thing”. She’s not old enough to consent to sexual activity and sending indecent images to her is illegal regardless.

OP’s son has absolutely done the right thing and school needs to help protect him.

ActuallyIthink · 24/10/2025 07:11

Perfect28 · 24/10/2025 07:05

You are seriously mistaken here. There absolutely is something wrong, and illegal, about minors sharing intimate imagery.

Particularly as in this case it was unsolicited, which is actually a crime.

Age appropriate experimenting, sure. This is not that.

Show quote history

Why did you decide what experimenting is? By that age, most of me and my friends had been penetrated with consent by at least one body part of a local lad. We didn't have phones so we actually did the real stuff to each other.

Bypassing the victim is never a good idea unless they are a lot more powerless than you are. It isn't the case for this boy and his classmate and it could massively backfire on him. I certainly wouldnt sell my boyfriend out when I just needed a chat with him for some guy who overstepped the mark and told the teachers on us all. I'd say he is jealous and making it up or that I never had an issue with it and he saw it and decided to report it probably to try and break us up.

ActuallyIthink · 24/10/2025 07:18

The law continues to make clear that society does not encourage sexual intercourse in young people under 16, as it can be a cause of concern for their welfare. It does not follow that every case has child protection concerns and it is important to ensure that a proportionate response is made and that only appropriate cases are brought to the attention of social work and the police.

As set out in the national guidance, if there are no child protection concerns about the young people in the relationship and professionals are confident that the sexual activity is taking place/has taken place within a safe and mutually respectful relationship, then their confidentiality should be maintained.

MattDillonsEyebrows · 24/10/2025 07:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

researchers3 · 24/10/2025 07:20

leftorrightnow · 24/10/2025 02:36

Agree. Your son did the right and honorable thing but it’s not street wise and he needs to get a bit more street smarts or life will be too hard for him.
can you tell him he was right to see how wrong the whole situation is but that if another time something like this happens, he should come to you first and you’ll help him work out the best way to handle the situation which also protects him.

Show quote history

Hard disagree with this. These attitudes are what have enabled sexual predators and abusers away with this shit for years.

OPs son did the right thing. How brave.

Theroadt · 24/10/2025 07:21

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 24/10/2025 00:42

I think you need to contact the school and ask if they can make sure no harm comes to your son who has done the right thing of reporting what is essentially child on child sexual abuse. He's been a fair whistle-blower and he deserves protection.

The school should really be taking this more seriously that they've had a child masturbating on their grounds, and then send that video to another child who could not consent to viewing that video.

That's absolutely awful.

This. No way should your son shoulder any blame. What a brilliant young chap 👍🏻

ThisOldThang · 24/10/2025 07:23

ActuallyIthink · 24/10/2025 07:00

I dont think he did the right thing. The girl may have been uncomfortable due to where she received the video and wanted to handle it by speaking to her boyfriend about where and when that sort of thing is appropriate. The reality is that lots of 14 year olds are sexually experimenting to some degree. They are the same age and so there is nothing illegal about it.

A more appropriate response would be your son asking the girl how she would like to handle it, reminding her of her options such as reporting, and then following her lead. What he did was decide this was abuse and completely unwanted and then take it out of the victim's hands.

That's not supportive for the victim at all.

There was once a case in the uk of a couple who had married at 16 with parental consent, who were then investigated by the police for the production of child pornography because they'd had some fun with a camera and developed the photos.

It was in the papers around the time of the millennium.