DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

I think your ds absolutely did the right thing. The girl sounds vulnerable. My dd has a couple of friends, who are vulnerable so I see first hand for example one, who is adamant she doesn’t want a full on relationship with a guy. Then has a couple of times anyway because throughout her life, she hasn’t been allowed the freedom to be who she wants to be. On many she levels hasn’t been taught bodily autonomy by her parents and then turns to boys to fill the vacuum. Luckily the boy she’s currently seeing cares very deeply about her but she isn’t in an emotional place to even comprehend all of that. Her first boyfriend wasn’t like this at all. And she couldn’t see how awful he was. It sounds as if this boy is vile. Likewise, it is unlikely the girl would be able to see this. So bravo to your ds.

How did he find out who filmed it? I think it’s very odd that the guy didn’t film himself.

I think your son is the only sane one in all this.

He’s 15, not yet an adult, and is still learning how to navigate life. He also has ASD/ADHD so you are being unfair on him.

On another note, sharing explicit images to under 18s is illegal even if the recipient has given consent, I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong. Normalising this kind of behaviour for girls is appalling. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to see someone masturbating at my age, never mind as a 14 year old, Why are we expecting our young women to have to deal with this stuff? As for the poster who said she and most of her friends had sexual experiences with boys by the age of 15, not all of us did. Most of my friends hadn’t by 16 and many were older. It doesn’t have to be the norm.

Then the right thing to do is to consult his parents or a trusted adult that he felt she was being coerced to remain silent, and not rush to ‘report’ it - he could put her in more danger.

I’ve just seen your post quoting guidance on when to report. OP says the girl is known to be vulnerable due to her home life and has been in previous abusive relationships. Would you consider this boys’ actions - having a friend video him masturbating on school premises, then sending it unsolicited to his girlfriend - to be part of a consensual relationship ? Because if what OP has said is true, her reaction to opening the video didn’t reflect that, and there is cause for concern.

And at what age do you draw the line. If the kids involved were 12 years old would you say the same thing? 10 years old?

Nobody involved being an adult is exactly why it should be reported. There's a reason children can't legally consent to sex.

Responsible adults should check the situation to make sure the girl is safe and the boy stops creating child pornography images.

A lot of child porn that is distributed online has actually been created by children themselves. They are manipulated/groomed into it. It should in no way be normalised for children to film themselves sexually. Just because a child claims they're fine with something doesn't mean the responsible adults in their lives should shrug and leave them to it.

Personally I know any person, particularly male, who bypassed me to escalate on my behalf is usually as misogynistic and controlling as the person they've taken issue with. I had it at work when one guy went to HR about my interactions with another guy. It was far more about the two men and their competition than me.

He needs to learn about consent at 15. It wasn’t his place to
over ride her decision. If he disagreed with her, he should have discussed it with her, seeking understanding and letting her decide what is best. He can encourage her without forcing the issue.

The law draws the line at 13. I would too. I was getting the pill at 14 at the clinic.

You need to familiarise yourself with the laws on creating and sending sexual imagery because you are not correct.

Absolutely.
If we were talking about older 'children' (over 18) then I'd say it was up to the recipient of thr video to report it, but we're talking about minors here.
OPs son has done the right thing.
The girl in question clearly needs more help and support than she's currently getting, and this may be a step towards that.
OPs son should be protected from any fallout. Obviously he will be the person people will consider a grass, but there were other people who also saw the video. And there's also the person that filmed it.

The incident happened in school and its a huge safeguarding issue.

Please don’t ever use the term ‘child porn’ there is no such thing - it is child sexual abuse - not another genre of porn. Very important distinction.

I got that from the law. It applies to exchanged images.

It is not his decision to make without her consent.

He saw it, it affected him.
She's 14. Doesn't matter about whether she consents. The video fulfils the criteria of something to report under safeguarding.

I just want to say you feel what you feel - you
didn’t voice it. My DD always sticks up for people being poorly treated, would 100% of said something in this situation. She has also been the receiver of negative attention because of this, as her parent I can be both proud and frustrated due to the added stress / drama etc. if my energy levels ar low I will think ffs firts

That’s fucking disgusting and I’m so proud of your son! I, like you would be worried about him. Go into school and be a little angrier about it all if you can, your vulnerable son has been exposed to sexually explicit material!! Use that angle to secure schools backing (they won’t want this coming out I can assure you) should she have had her phone? Should the boyfriend have been in the toilets long enough to masturbate? Should phones be allowed in the toilets? There are some big safeguarding issues here and you can make it clear that if your son isn’t adequately protected then you will have no option but to take this public with complaints at a higher level. It’s no help now but one day that girl will look back at this and realise how brave your son is and be grateful because girls are always taught that it’s not that big of a deal when it absolutely is! Don’t be hard on yourself for wanting him to keep his head down it’s natural but take strength from his strength.

Your son is the only one in the whole situation who has shown good judgement, maturity and a clear understanding of right and wrong.

Yes, parenting teens is hard but you're obviously doing a good job of it. Well done.

No, I wouldn't seek consent before I did anything. I would talk to the girl, but even if she didn't want to tell anyone I am still legally obliged to report safeguarding issues and would do so. Then I would leave it to the experts (social workers, police) to decide how best to handle the situation.

In my job as a teacher I have unfortunately had to report sexual abuse three times so far (physical abuse many many more times than that). If I waited for permission from the kids before I reported I would probably never report anything.

But it's not just teachers who have this obligation to report. All adults should report especially when v they've seen evidence with their own eyes (in the form of a child pornography video being distributed online).

This!! All day and every day this!! And he’s a vulnerable child at that. I’ve had to try really hard not to comment on other peoples comments saying that he betrayed the girl because I firmly believe we are all entitled to our own opinion regardless of what it is but I think OP needs to be a little angrier. Imagine you’ve worked hard for years so that your child isn’t exposed to pornography or inappropriate material just to be exposed to something this gross!

True, you're right. Child sexual abuse images.

I disagree.

You don't need a victims consent to report a crime, especially when the victim is a child.

But he is not a teacher with legal obligations! He is another pupil, and should have sought advice before ploughing on regardless.

So you wouldn't call the Police if a man was beating up his gf and she asked you not to?

Sometimes the best support a victim will get is someone else doing the right thing in spite of their own wishes. This girl will be getting the message every day that this is normal, and that she is a prude and disloyal if she reports. One person taking a stand can start to dispel this brainwashing and support her own instincts that it is wrong.

Yes, he could try to discuss and persuade, but nothing shows the seriousness of the issue like taking that stand to report it.

I possibly would not be here today if my boss hadn't reported my abuse to the Police. Against my wishes.