DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

You've missed all the laws about image sharing. This is considered to be sharing child sex imagery until the age of 18, so even beyond the age of consent.

Again you've skipped over the part where this is unsolicited, so therefore not consented to.

Women and girls should not simply have to get used to this

Why does OP’s son need a good talking to? He knows it’s wrong which is why he reported it. OP’s son was not the one masturbating or filming it.

It is also a criminal offence for both girls and boys aged 13, 14 and 15 to have consensual sex with anyone else aged 13, 14 or 15. This applies whether they are the initiating partner or the consenting partner. This criminal offence where both are aged 13, 14 or 15 applies solely to penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus with the penis and to touching of the penis vagina or anus with the mouth. People in this age group participating in other consensual sexual acts are not committing criminal offences.

Your son did the right thing and yes you should be proud of him BUT I can totally understand your concerns here.

Those saying - push the school to protect ds, what exactly does that look like? They can not monitor this situation 24/7 and even more so in these days of mobile phones and social media. They can not ensure that the DS is not ostracised and loses all of his friends.
What exactly is this protection?

Apologies OP, I’ve just read your first post properly and realised it was the other boy masturbating not your son!! I’ve reported my post, so hopefully it’ll get taken down before the thread gets derails by my misinformation.

This really is depressing. Bad things happen in part because good people stand by and do nothin. OP is right to be concerned about son’s aafety but he 150% did the right thing and in the end, that is what matters.

It is only unsolicited and without consent if the girl involved says it is. As the boy bypassed her input and escalated it, she can say at any time that she is ok with it or that it didn't happen. This is why you need victim support to be able to report something like this.

Eh??

Yes, I’ve just realised that, reported my post and written an apology post, hoping it gets deleted soon.

Exactly, if all his peers decide DS is not trustworthy because he will escalate things out of your hands if he thinks is it "the right thing to do", they can't make the students trust him again. What he did isn't being a good friend to the victim, and that is what victims' need.

Exactly, if all his peers decide DS is not trustworthy because he will escalate things out of your hands if he thinks is it "the right thing to do", they can't make the students trust him again. What he did isn't being a good friend to the victim, and that is what victims' need.

I don't know what safeguarding looks like in schools in other countries but here in the UK, it would 100% be taken seriously. The fact another child filmed the sexual act, is disturbing to say the least. That is likely to be classed as 'producing illicit content of someone under 16', then you have the fact it was 'distributed' by the boyfriend and the girl unwittingly viewed 'pornographic images of someone under 16'. It's a shit show to be frank. Your son absolutely did do right by reporting the content. It really depends what the school are planning on doing to tackle the issue and how they are going to protect your son, for doing what was correct. You need a conversation with the school, and urgently. The fact the girl 'deleted' the content, is irrelevant, if the school got the police involved, it's easily recovered!

Ok calm down everyone.

As if you all weren’t shagging your boyfriends at age 15. 😂😂😂

This girl received a video from her boyfriend. They may regularly share intimate videos of themselves with each other. We don’t know that.

So you report this boy to the police. His solicitor will immediately say that the video is consensual and will no put forward intimate videos of the girl that she has sent to her boyfriend as evidence. So is she guilty of a crime in that case? Ultimately you’ll have a court hearing where this girl could have intimate videos of herself shared with professionals. I’m cringing for her even thinking about it. How awful.

You have 2 same age teenagers having sex whether people like it or not. ‘‘Twas ever thus. There’s no coercion or rape element because both are underage.

Your DS has possibly ruined 2 peoples lives and should stop snooping on people’s phones. At the very least, he should’ve asked the girl if she wanted to receive that video before tattle telling.

Disclaimer: had the video been sent by an adult male involved in the grooming of a child or it contained illegal sexual
acts then it would of course be different.

It's a bit late to argue about whether ds was wrong or right to report, it's fine now.

I think the pragmatic thing to do now is work out a response with the school and ds and stuck to it.

This may be denial, no comment or a admitting it strongly and confidently.

Whichever strategy you may want to coach ds on some assertive answers that he can pull out if needed.

I think he'll get a more positive response from his peers if he takes a strong moral stance. Statements like 'well it was wrong wasn't it' 'we use those toilets it's gross to do that there, what if someone walked in!' or something else that puts the blame back where it belongs. It's likely that a lot of his peers will actually agree with him.

Obviously the above needs to be very carefully considered to keep ds safe but also protect his reputation.

I'm AuDHD like OP's DS. Honestly, fuck your notion of "street wise". Whenever people say that, it's code for "put up with shite and don't say anything so you don't upset the people who think they're in charge, because if you do upset them, it's your fault for saying something, not theirs for doing wrong". The world needs people who don't put being street wise or popular ahead of doing the right thing. I agree you don't want to teach your kids to be tattle tales, but this is serious, this isn't dobbing your mate in for smoking behind the bike sheds. What those boys did was a form of sexual harassment.

If the DS had gone to OP, she probably would have hushed it up because she said her first reaction was avoid conflict. Leaving these horrid boys to carry on sending unsolicited masturbation videos to girls.

OP's DS is in the right and the adults should be backing him here. Including protecting him from any nasty little shits who want to do him harm.

Something else to remember is, DS saw this image too, accidentally or not, he is a victim too as well as a number of others who saw it according to OP. They are children and shouldn't have to see this stuff.

Your son also saw this video OP, presumably? So he was exposed to a video of a boy masturbating also? Regardless of whether the girl wanted to report it, he is perfectly within his rights to report for himself.

Great minds!!

Your DS did the right thing. Explain his worries to school and the knowledge others have seen the video and are not speaking up. In the U.K. this would be illegal too. It sounds like the all the children need educating about the law and having the courage to speak up.

That’s how people get away with abuse. By other people knowing about it and not reporting it! Shame on you saying he should ignore it.

I understand your initial reaction, but I think you should be very, very proud of your son.

Your DS did the right thing. The only thing he did wrong was admit that it was him who reported it. He should have denied it as there were others who saw the video too, and with a bit of nous he could have made who reported it all guesswork and ambiguity.

It's classed as a form of paedophilia in the uk even if it is children sending to children.

The fact that some pp here see reporting these horrible boys as "tattle telling" tells me everything I need to know about who is raising some of the disgraceful excuses for misogynistic, toxic young men out there. Presumably, y'all would be just fine with your son sending home made underage p0rn to a teenage girl? You'd all be fine with your son filming another boy jerking off in the school toilets, where younger children could have inadvertently interrupted and seen that? You wouldn't want to know that your sons were up to this kind of thing, so you could step in and be a bloody parent and stop it?

Taking the victim's lead on how they want to handle the issue isnt ignoring it. It is allowing the disempowered to be empowered. What the son did has removed all agency from the girl because he thinks his principles are more important than her having control over her life. It's very arrogant and selfish.