DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

What a wonderful young man you have raised. He did the right thing, legally and morally. Can you coach him in come backs for anyone who mocks him for it?

”Wait. [dickhead] masturbated in the disgusting school bogs and sent an unsolicited video to [vulnerable girl] and you think I’m the one who did wrong? You need to sort your thinking bro”

He's done the right thing, which is often and on this case the hard thing. How grim that he not only masturbating at achool to send to his gf but other kids were watching complicit. They're all underage, voyeurism and creating porn essentially is and should be beyond them ESPECIALLY in a school.

Definitely speak to the school so they can make sure the bully knows that they're watching how he treats your DS, ensure your DS knows he did right and it might make his life a little harder short term but he was absolutely right and sometimes it's the world around him that's wrong, not him. He's in the noble minority in this case bless him.

I disagree. The girl involved did not want to report it or request any assistance. She may have dealt with it in her own way. Whilst I am all for reporting if someone is in danger, I do feel he breached her trust and went ahead without her consent. I don’t think he should be ignoring other people’s wishes or taking over. In his own way he is also violating her wishes.

Had she expressed fear or anguish it might be different, but she didn’t. Op needs to explain boundaries to her son, and considering the impact of his decisions more carefully, some are nuanced.

I think I would have a chat and say this is a good time to think about how to deal with the fallout of making a stand, because he's never going to be the person who doesn't, and other people will often fall in behind the dominant males because of fear. Give him some understanding of group dynamics and why others do that. Maybe

• one clear statement to the girl and his friend 'I acted because I thought I had witnessed sexual harm, and I don't want to be a bystander when something happens that harms someone, I realise that you're not going to like me very much right now, but I hope that sometime in the future you will understand why I did what I did, I do care about you being ok'.
• being open rather than defensive often works better, but he should avoid over justifying, arguing or trying to win people over. Accept they will coalesce around the other guy.
• seek out allies, friends and people who won't ostracize him, hold his head up and keep his self respect
• whistleblowing is always fraught, it doesn't mean he shouldn't do it, but he could learn to take a beat to think about how to.

Society needs people who take a stand, otherwise we get tyrannised by powerful people. There's a really good book called Defy about this.

It isnt that he told on the boy. It is that he bypassed the victim and ignored what she might have wanted to do to handle it. That is very paternalistic. Supporting victims should be the priority.

What kind of schools this where multiple children are recording one boy doing that urrhh. What if an adult gets that video? That’s like child sex images.

Other kids were watching the video, so unfortunately it's not just her choice in this case. By playing it in front of others, she exposed them to harm.

I was definitely not shagging anyone at 15 but I'm inclined to agree with you. It was a consensual video shared between two teenagers in a relationship who (presumably) have been intimate or intend to. The process of exploring sexuality is complex and teens do a lot of stupid things.

The problem is that this girl has essentially had her life ruined by a very intimate incident getting blown wide open. There is nothing to suggest that her boyfriend was trying to abuse her, that he was creating CP or that either of them are sexually deviant or criminal in any way. However if it lands with the police or in court, then all of that will get picked apart and she'll probably be traumatised for life. That's not even taking into the gossip and rumours which will be flying around school.

Considering she already had difficult experiences regarding relationships. the public humiliation of this entire incident will probably affect the rest of her life.

A crime was committed. It doesn't matter if the girl decided to hush it up or not. It's still a crime.

Many kids being sexually abused don't want to go to the police. Does that mean if I know a 14 year old is being sexually abused I should do nothing and just stay out of it? If I know child pornography is being distributed I should do nothing? I should leave it up to the 14 year olds to decide?

OMG OP this is horrendous.
I don't know what to say other than sending hugs.
Is this really how teenagers behave today.
I feel for you and your son, the only advice I can offer is hopefully they have a safeguarding champion at the school and they can support your son.

Why have you decided the girl is more vulnerable than other girls, or other 15 year olds for that matter?

OP says that she has a bad home life that is why

OMG! this definitely needs reporting!! That's awful!

Yes when they are in a consensual relationship with a peer and know how to report it if they wanted to. You don't go above their heads and report it without their consent. The fact that nobody involved is an adult and he is her boyfriend is what makes the difference here. The son will probably never have a friend again.

Exactly it’s rule number one when dealing with victims. You allow them to decide what is the best course of action, unless they are in immediate danger.

Empowering the young girl to deal with this wretched boy, rather than ignoring her wishes, and ploughing on anyway. It’s really not advisable and can be re traumatising. It could also put her in more danger if the relationship is toxic/violent.

He should not be overriding the girl’s wishes. This would concern me.

This is not sexual experimentation. It’s abuse. They are minors. The boy sent the video unsolicited, so the girl didn’t consent - that is illegal. The girl wasn't capable of consenting.

Nonsense. Indecent images of children do not get shared between professionals because they are indecent. If police find them, they don’t share them to CPS, they don’t get shared at court. If the images have been shared they will be removed from the internet by CEOP.

If the boy did have indecent images of the girl it wouldn’t prove anything apart from more offences. The girl did not consent to this - what child wants a video of her boyf masturbating?

DS saw it too, irrelevant if it was sent to the girl. He is a victim too and had the right to report it.

Have you missed the part where the wanker had another boy film him wanking and then sent the video on to his girlfriend??

And this all happened at school?

Being safe (in terms of verbal bullying) and having friends is never an excuse for doing the right thing. Good on your kid for doing the right thing!

The school needs to manage the fallout.

Any sexual video of an underage person is by definition child pornography. Doesn't matter who took it or why.

Anything uploaded to the internet is no longer private. By sending this video (via Snapchat? WhatsApp?) the boy is being at best dangerously naive.

But then I find many grown adults dangerously naive. There was a newspaper article the other day where parents had uploaded 'back to school' photos of their teenage daughters to Facebook and then were horrified when Facebook used those same photos as advertising aimed at adult men.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2025/sep/20/parents-outraged-meta-uses-photos-schoolgirls-ads-man

I wonder what was the next step after the boy sent the video of himself - I would imagine he would like one sent back. Which could then be shared or be on the internet forever.
I think the OP's son did a good thing.

This is absolutely horrendous. I’d be going nuclear on the school. Threatening to involve the press and absolutely report to the police. The girl who is 14 did not want to receive the video, was visibly upset when she did and was going to report it until her boyfriend convinced her not to… this is absolutely obscene. I would be seriously considering moving my child to a different school depending on their reaction.

Of course as an adult you would weigh up the situation - check that the victim is safe and talk to her first. You would agree a way forward with the young girl, so that she felt supported.

I hope as an adult you would approach this with sensitivity and care, and seek consent before you did anything. You would not steam roll her and report regardless. This would also apply to sexual abuse.

Sounds like she only decided not to report it after her boyfriend convinced (coerced) her not to….