DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

I hope the Ops son had a stress free day. Ive lived in 3 European countries with kids and been around kids/locals. I just cant fathom what culture thinks its normal to have someone else video you masturbating at 14yrs old!??

I’m not saying it shouldn’t be reported but that he’s too young to handle it himself. OP is worried about the fallout for her son and if he’s come to her first perhaps she could’ve helped him handle it in a more discreet way which would ensure that the guilty boy was being dealt with without risking his own relationships in a new school and country

It’s not culturally acceptable anywhere.

With all due respect I’ve spent my life being the heroic type putting myself out and doing the right thing and getting myself in endless trouble for it. I can’t say much of what I’ve done has had great results when I did things in the straightforward reporting way and escalated things through the appropriate channels whether that be at school or work or otherwise in society. I may be jaded and disillusioned as a result I don’t rule it out.
But I’ve know come to the conclusion that in the vast majority of cases you create more lasting change by brig discreet and diplomatic about things than by going barging into situations like a bull in a china shop.
sincerely, a reformed bull who’ve learned the art of subtlety and thinking before acting

Agree left. The son did the “right thing” morally. The behaviour is wrong weird and concerning we mostly agree on that. But selfishly as a parent we want our teens happy and accepted so a part of me would wish he’d minded his own business. What’s the reporting going to actually achieve? It can’t solve this girls troubled background and reporting it may cost ops son and potentially lead to social isolation.

When dd reported a concerning event the girl in question who she was trying to help gave dds name as a group who were shop lifting in retaliation. Dd wasn’t even there and is certainly not a shoplifter or even vaguely in the shop lifting group, This was established and accepted eventually but remember dd saying that’s the last time she tries to intervene and “do the right thing”.

In the UK if this is reported to an adult, they have a duty to report to the police. It makes no difference if the victim is willing to report or not, the police would still investigate and retrieve the videos from the phones involved. These are minors we’re talking about - children - and there are laws specific to this kind of thing.

I cannot believe so many posters are taking such a casual ‘leave them to it’ approach to what is a serious criminal offence, which in this case has gone way beyond the three people originally involved and is a perfect example of how these things get out of hand.

A fourteen year old doesn’t think beyond the point of their own gratification - as evidenced by the fact that the boy involved someone else to do the filming, and didn’t give a second thought as to what he would do with the images. As a result the video is now being shared with others, potentially being sent unsolicited to other vulnerable children, and at some point will inevitably end up on the internet for perverts to salivate over. And it will be out there permanently, part of the wider issue of the creation, circulation and viewing of CSA .

It’s actually quite shocking that some posters can’t see that that is why you don’t allow children to police these things themselves, and that there are much bigger issues than the victims’ unwillingness to report.

I don't think many of us were anything but bulls at 15, were we? There are ways to go about things without being that way about it. It doesn't have to be a choice between the bullish approach and saying nothing.

In this case though, CSE needs a bull.

I world think - why does it have to be my child going into bat on this? He will end up being the messenger who gets shot. Yes he’s “done the right thing” but he will pay the price. Sorry old and cynical.

Maybe older and wiser. He has put himself on the firing line.

You think it is healthy for someone to have two pals film them masturbating then send the video to an underage girl? Really? You did this kind of thing when you were a child? Honestly?

But someone has to be the whistleblower. Isn't one of the problems we face these days that nobody gets involved?

I experienced an unprovoked verbal attack on public transport a little while ago and the thing that struck me was that nobody else said a word and didn't even check in on me when the perpetrator was gone.

I think your son is great, Op.

I think it was just one - the other boy. In her post OP was referring to the girl to whom the video was sent. Not that it makes any difference to the fact that a crime has been committed, and it does illustrate how easily these things snowball. The ‘star’ of the video didn’t give a second thought as to what would happen to the footage afterwards, and predictably, the boy who actually did the filming is sharing the video with others so there’s the potential for it being sent unsolicited to other vulnerable children. It will inevitably end up on the internet, adding to the slew of vile material solicited by perverts. And yet some posters are advocating allowing children to self police. It’s batshit.

Yep. I think the point here is that OP’s son didn't alert the police. He correctly reported it to an adult at the school and now they have a duty to report it to the appropriate authorities. I think his only mistake was announcing his intentions instead of just getting on with it.

In my view whistleblowing is more relevant where there’s a clear victim though (like you being abused) rather than something that is illegal due to the ages of those involved.

The op isn't in the UK we all know the laws in the Uk. My story that you called bullshit on happened in the late 90's at a time when kids could run around and do what they want and not go to school. My friend still continued sleeping with her 25 year old boyfriend after I told my head of year. Me and my friend did sort out our differences she wasn't a bad person. She was very risky and sexually active. I was shocked at the time. I suppose if it happened today schools would take it more seriously and police would be called. It was a different time back in the 90's. Maybe the school should have involved the police but they didn't.

I don't know what the laws are in the country the op is living in maybe their citizens take a more relaxed approach who knows. Maybe they believed the girl and decided to take no further action. In the UK it is different the police would continue their investigation and would probably confiscate their phones.

I parent my children and protect them from harm. I allowed my children to be innocent and protected them against racism and predators. I take a 0 tolerance approach if any foolishness is brought to my children I remove them from the situation immediately. I teach my children to expect more not less. This is because of my lived experience growing up. I have 3 older children who are now off doing there own thing, and are free to make their own choices, and a 10 year old son. My son is very switched on what's right and wrong. Schools are teaching children from a young age on how to behave. I still wouldn't expect my son to put himself in harms way until he is old enough to handle the responsibilities by himself.

You wanted someone on the bus to speak up and possibly make the situation worse. People are walking around with all sorts of issues these days. The ops son is great but can he fight and protect himself. Heros tend to be strong and know how to protect themselves.

He should of told his mum first before telling the school. We need to teach our children to talk to someone they trust first so they have support next to them before reporting any incident.

I don’t think my opinion is going to be popular but I don’t think we need to be celebrating OP’s son ignoring the wishes of this girl. He has completely removed her agency and voice. They could have discussed it further and he could have spoken to a trusted adult without naming anyone. A decision didn’t have to be made at that moment.

I imagine it will make it much less likely that she will confide in him in the future. The school should protect OP’s son but I am saddened that this girl’s agency has been removed.

Firstly, he did speak to a trusted adult - a teacher. Not like he went to the police is it? Even if he had told a parent, we all have a duty of care to safeguard children. OP would also have had to act on the information, ultimately.

Also, you and many other posters are missinf the point that this involves multiple children and not just the girl. Therefore her wishes are not the only consideration here. What about the boy in the video whose sexual act is now being shown around his classmates? She isn't the only victim and people bleating about taking her agency away aren't understanding that. There are multiple children here in need of protection from their own stupidity by the adults around them, before this goes any further.

People here are also treating her like an adult victim, and she isn't. She's 14. The same rules don't apply.

My big thing was that nobody said anything to me after he left. I hope I would at least have checked in with someone at the receiving end of abuse.

So if she was in a sexual relationship with an adult and told him not to say anything he should keep quiet about it? Where do you draw the line?

But she wasn’t so that would be a different question entirely. Is like saying if she was on fire and said not to call anyone then just leave it!

I am not saying what happened is in any way normal just that we need to be aware of males taking away agency from females. A decision could have been made after it was discussed further and, in my opinion, it didn’t need to be reported there and then. If she refused to report the next day then OP’s son could have made the decision to report then. Not just decide to ignore her wishes at that moment. My opinion would be different if an adult had seen the video, and not a teen friend.

The girl obv changed her mind after her bf spoke to her - knowing what he did was wrong a s he is prob putting pressure on her to deny it

your son did nothing wrong @IcyBob

he is the only one doing and saying the right thing

hopefully teachers have reported to police but you can as well

I think in this case it is more relevant to think of a male seeing another male do something wrong at a woman’s expense and letting it go. She has not had her agency taken away. We tell them to report when they see something untoward.

The male who took the agency away was the bf who sent it without consent.

The male who took the agency away from the subject of the video, who is also a child, was the filmer who is now showing it around.

We teach children to report things to adults. That's what he did. How on earth do you expect a 15 y o who is likely distressed by what he has just seen to make up some cock and bull "asking for a friend" tale?

Any professional who works with children and young people, on hearing that, would have known it was someone at the school and would have said, you need to tell me who is involved so we can stop this now before it goes any further.