DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

Thank you, I am not being pedantic

He did seek advice. He went to a trusted adult (a teacher) and explained the situation.

Or by seeking advice do you mean asking another child what they think he should do? Because that's a terrible idea.

He should have spoken to his parents. You are only looking at this through your teacher lens.
In overriding her decision he has stripped her of her power in this situation, so she now feels powerless and helpless - and she may be at risk of violence or retribution. This is not black and white.

That's a very tricky role for a young lad to take on. Also, had an adult in the school seen it they would be obliged to report. Why should the response be so different if another child sees it? Young people should be encouraged to come to adults with anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or they think is harming someone else.

Back in the real world

If there was an assault in the street then yes, I would call the police while it was ongoing. If I saw someone who had been beaten up by a partner, I'd remind them of their options, including those that meant getting to safety but not calling the police. The police arent right for everyone.

So you want the pressure of 'supporting the victim' to be on an underage teenage boy? Instead of on responsible adults who have been informed of the situation and can now decide how to act.

He is 15. His peers will increasingly be in situations where they require his emotional support.

Remember though this is a video made in school, sent in school, viewed in school - it absolutely needs to be dealt with by the school, so telling an adult there is the right thing to do.
Not just telling your parents who have an interest in supporting only one child out of the 4+ involved.

No. It doesn’t. From CPS: There are specific criminal laws to protect children. It's a crime to take, make, share or keep an indecent photo or video of a child under 18. The only exception is when 16 or 17 year olds take intimate photos with a spouse or partner and they're not shared with anyone else.

The specific criminality here is a person under the age of 18 creating, possessing and sharing sexual imagery of themselves with a peer under the age of 18. The boy himself is culpable, as is the friend who actually filmed it.

It's never appropriate for an underage child to send a video of himself masturbating to another underage child, for fuck's actual fuck's sake.

?

This is the real world. This is something real that has happened and similar child sexual abuse consent is being shared in schools across the country.

The OP's son felt uncomfortable with the situation and told a responsible adult. That was his real world reaction. He did exactly the right thing and what we all want our children to do. If they see something illegal/dangerous/scary tell a trusted adult.

I wish more children and adults would do the same.

I think we have to be realistic about what teens are doing with each other.

Agree. This is the recommended course of action in these circumstances. This kind of. Thing is rife in schools and to suggest it should be left to the young victims to police it is ridiculous.

What do you think 'reporting' entails? Who do you imagine he is reporting to to other than a trusted adult?

Any 'trusted adult' should immediately refer this on to the DSL regardless - anyone in the school would instantly do so and I hope any parent hearing about this would contact the school immediately as well. If not, they don't meet my definition of 'trustworthy adult'.

I think this would have actually changed my mind. If my child had thought that the girl was vulnerable in this situation I would hope that they would have overridden her request and escalated it.

I may be going against the grain but if the girl had not seemed upset or vulnerable then I think it could be acceptable for your son to see this and not escalate it if she hadn’t wanted him to.

It’s very nuanced but seems like this is for the best. Go into school to discuss and make sure there is no fallout for your son x

And you think ‘realisically’ that they should be left to police it themselves ?

So 15 year olds should practice supporting sexual abuse victims? Using real life sexual abuse situations? Without any support from any responsible adults?

Right, I'm going to stop responding now before I give myself a heart attack.

Isn’t he a victim too? He saw the video and from further posts other kids saw it. They are all victims of this boys actions.

The OPs son has also seen the video without his consent. He is also a victim here.

While he wasn't the intended recipient, he has been witness to child on child pornography, and maybe he needs support too. He was absolutely correct to report it.

You are literally encouraging a CSA coverup. You aren't morally qualified to berate people about terminology.

Not to mention the fact that if she was uncomfortable about where she received the video, that in itself suggests she wasn’t expecting it. So it was unsolicited and illegal.

Jesus! Have some boundaries! Kids need to be told when they are doing the wrong thing. He has broken the law.

I don't know what the law is in OPs country but here it is very much a crime.
Sexual Offences Act 2003
s.12 Causing a child to watch a sexual act
s.13 Child sex offences committed by a child applies to offences such as s.12 and s.11
s.66A Sending photographs or film

Consent does not apply due to their age. They cannot consent.
You have no idea what you're talking about.