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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

405 replies

IcyBob · 24/10/2025 00:38

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

OP posts:
Livpool · 25/10/2025 13:50

CrazyGoatLady · 25/10/2025 13:30

The male who took the agency away was the bf who sent it without consent.

The male who took the agency away from the subject of the video, who is also a child, was the filmer who is now showing it around.

We teach children to report things to adults. That's what he did. How on earth do you expect a 15 y o who is likely distressed by what he has just seen to make up some cock and bull "asking for a friend" tale?

Any professional who works with children and young people, on hearing that, would have known it was someone at the school and would have said, you need to tell me who is involved so we can stop this now before it goes any further.

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I didn’t say they didn’t - the whole situation is disgraceful! In my opinion - not expecting anyone to agree with me - I think the son did too. And - again my opinion only - made it less likely for this girl to confide. There was no immediate danger so I just think reporting could have waited - until the girl had time to reflect.

I am not saying I am right in my opinion and I am off out to spend the day with my 10 year old who, who I pray will never be involved in anything like this as he grows. I hope I can bring him up better than to behave like the bad guys in this scenario (not the girl and not OP’s son)

Falseknock · 25/10/2025 14:26

WeeGeeBored · 25/10/2025 12:31

My big thing was that nobody said anything to me after he left. I hope I would at least have checked in with someone at the receiving end of abuse.

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Someone should have said something to you. I would have if it was me. I understand your feelings around that. I did explain to a young man why an older gentleman was upset with him a few months ago. It was an accident to him but older people don't see it that way they only feel pain. I spoke to him quietly about it.

Rosscameasdoody · 25/10/2025 18:59

BeachLife2 · 25/10/2025 10:36

In my view whistleblowing is more relevant where there’s a clear victim though (like you being abused) rather than something that is illegal due to the ages of those involved.

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Every one of the children who viewed that video is a victim. Including those who saw it because they were there when the girl opened it, and also those who are viewing it as a result of the child who did the filming, sharing it. There will undoubtedly be more victims when other vulnerable children are sent the video unsolicited and when the video ends up on the internet for the viewing pleasure of perverts, the ‘star’ of the video will become a victim himself. What is there that isn’t clear here ?

Rosscameasdoody · 25/10/2025 19:06

Falseknock · 25/10/2025 10:48

The op isn't in the UK we all know the laws in the Uk. My story that you called bullshit on happened in the late 90's at a time when kids could run around and do what they want and not go to school. My friend still continued sleeping with her 25 year old boyfriend after I told my head of year. Me and my friend did sort out our differences she wasn't a bad person. She was very risky and sexually active. I was shocked at the time. I suppose if it happened today schools would take it more seriously and police would be called. It was a different time back in the 90's. Maybe the school should have involved the police but they didn't.

I don't know what the laws are in the country the op is living in maybe their citizens take a more relaxed approach who knows. Maybe they believed the girl and decided to take no further action. In the UK it is different the police would continue their investigation and would probably confiscate their phones.

I parent my children and protect them from harm. I allowed my children to be innocent and protected them against racism and predators. I take a 0 tolerance approach if any foolishness is brought to my children I remove them from the situation immediately. I teach my children to expect more not less. This is because of my lived experience growing up. I have 3 older children who are now off doing there own thing, and are free to make their own choices, and a 10 year old son. My son is very switched on what's right and wrong. Schools are teaching children from a young age on how to behave. I still wouldn't expect my son to put himself in harms way until he is old enough to handle the responsibilities by himself.

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I have no idea what point you are making here. I didn’t call your story bullshit, it was your assertion that it was similar to the situation OP’s DS is in. It’s not.

Falseknock · 26/10/2025 14:02

Rosscameasdoody · 25/10/2025 19:06

I have no idea what point you are making here. I didn’t call your story bullshit, it was your assertion that it was similar to the situation OP’s DS is in. It’s not.

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Sorry for the misunderstanding.

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