Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

368 replies

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 15:44

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

OP posts:
Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 15:45

You just need to be consistent in being there for her and make sure she knows your door is open for her and a baby if she decides to return.

You must be worried sick.

BIWI · 04/08/2025 15:47

She hasn’t run away though, has she? So your thread title is very misleading.

The best thing you can do right now is just to be there for her. Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t harangue her about her situation or what she wants to do. Waking her up every 2 hours was completely nuts!

ThisSharpFox · 04/08/2025 15:48

Yeah, you did act like a 'psycho' to be honest.

You can only do what she asks for at this point.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2025 15:48

Apologise for the crazy idea of waking her up every two hours and make sure she knows she can come home any time.

Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 15:48

Yip waking her every 2 hours was a bit of a silly thing to do.

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 15:53

Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.'

well Op in terms of how to get her to scarper…. This would be the best way

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 15:54

We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school.

You never asked?

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 15:55

Last night
she went over to her boyfriend’s to spend the night at his place

thread title…. Hyperbolic much?

MBJ15 · 04/08/2025 15:55

I think perhaps you may have scared her off and she’s in a protective fight or flight mindset. I certainly would apologise for how you reacted in the first instance, however it’s a shock and you are human, but I suggest starting again. Ask to meet the boyfriend, whatever happens he’s always going to be the father.

i hope it works out for the best. Good luck

Lemniscate8 · 04/08/2025 15:57

It does sound like he is a lot more supportive than you are

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 15:57

He has his own flat?

Hotandbotheredaching · 04/08/2025 16:00

It sounds like you drove her away with your behaviour. I think you need to start by apologising and say from now on you will support her and not judge (or try to teach her lessons) And please no advice unless you are asked.

OneNaiceSnail · 04/08/2025 16:01

Are you fucking serious? Your teenage daughter is pregnant, and instead of supporting her and allowing her to rest when she can like a normal human being, you’re spitefully torturing her all night (sleep deprivation is literally torture). You are an absolute psycho. If this was happening to someone on here by their partner, people would be telling them to phone women’s aid for advice, if not the police for abuse! What tf is going through your head? This is clearly your way of trying to punish her because you’re ashamed of her

BreadInCaptivity · 04/08/2025 16:02

Well given the level of support you have demonstrated in exposing her to sleep deprevation are you really surprised she’s gone elsewhere (anywhere)?????

BreadInCaptivity · 04/08/2025 16:02

Well given the level of support you have demonstrated in exposing her to sleep deprevation are you really surprised she’s gone elsewhere (anywhere)?????

Original poster
AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 16:04

He's 23, any 23 year old who would date a 16 year old is someone to stay away from. She has runaway because she told us that she has no intention of coming home for the indefinite future. Yes I probably have made some mistakes, but I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her

OP posts:
Original poster
AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 16:05

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 15:57

He has his own flat?

I think he is renting with a friend

OP posts:
Iloveagoodnap · 04/08/2025 16:06

The horse has now bolted so there’s no point in trying to keep her away from the boyfriend. The first thing I would want to do is meet him and try to find out a bit about him. If she’s been a bit cagey, and if he has his own place which is unusual at that age, I would be concerned he is actually a lot older than she’s admitting.

i would try to establish regular contact with her and check with her that she’s attending midwife appointments and scans etc.

Ask to see ‘her new flat’ and establish if she is going to be able to live there with a baby.

How are they supporting themselves? Does he work? Is she going to college in September or is she now going to claim benefits until the baby is born and she can then think about employment or education.

It’s best now to be supportive and practical. Not to wax lyrical over the guy and the situation but to ensure she knows she can come to you for help and advice.

Octavia64 · 04/08/2025 16:09

You have lost control. It might be wise to accept that and stop doing anything that may drive your daughter further away.

clearly you have a view on this situation but if you keep on trying to make her see reason she will probably cut contact with you.

i would advise against that, and she will need your support so try to give it.

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 16:11

So he’s independent and will be working and supporting himself at least

I am guessing even for pregnancy, you and your dd were far from close

what had been her plan come September? Did she work hard for her GCSEs?

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 16:12

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 16:04

He's 23, any 23 year old who would date a 16 year old is someone to stay away from. She has runaway because she told us that she has no intention of coming home for the indefinite future. Yes I probably have made some mistakes, but I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her

It is far from ideal
and yes…. It is a little disturbing a 23 year old having sex with a 16 year old

but…. It is done now.

and if you’re not careful, you are going to seriously fuck things up op

Billybagpuss · 04/08/2025 16:16

First thing you need to do is apologise. The 2 hour thing was batshit and she’s going to have to grow up very quickly over the next 12 months if she decides for sure to go through with it, it’s still early days.

Do meet her for coffee, or whatever she’s able to stomach and make the meeting about her, how is she feeling, how is the flat what is bf like and don’t judge her, or try and influence her in any way unless she genuinely asks for your opinion and looks open to the reality. Yes she’s being very naive but she needs to feel safe with you as obviously the proposed living arrangements will be challenging.

OneNaiceSnail · 04/08/2025 16:17

BIWI · 04/08/2025 15:47

She hasn’t run away though, has she? So your thread title is very misleading.

The best thing you can do right now is just to be there for her. Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t harangue her about her situation or what she wants to do. Waking her up every 2 hours was completely nuts!

The op seems to have mistaken her pregnant daughter for a war criminal. Is sleep deprivation even allowed under the Geneva Convention anymore? No no wonder she’s bolted with this compete lack of support, I wouldn’t be coming back if I were her

SoScarletItWas · 04/08/2025 16:18

The best thing is to text back and say you’d like to meet up and bring a couple of things for the baby for their flat.

And you make it clear while you’re there that she is welcome to come home for a night or forever at any time.

And you ask how can you help her prepare for baby coming? If she finds herself unsure she can talk to you about options at any time.

That is what you do right now. You’ve scared her off into his waiting arms, so you have bridges to build with them both.

Of course it’s not ideal that she’s having a baby at 16 with someone you don’t even know. But get to know him and start seeing her as a young woman, no longer your child. What she’s done is going to grow her up fast.

PunkApple · 04/08/2025 16:19

Apologise for waking her up every 2 hours, I understand the point you were trying to make but I doubt it would be appreciated by any pregnant woman, let alone a teen at that.
Let her know you're worried and that you're here for her and you're sorry for the way this has panned out. If you are genuinely sorry then I'm sure she'll come back. I understand your concerns RE the boyfriend but sadly you'll only push her further towards him if you create any issues about it.
Of course at 16 she's immature but she's technically old enough to consent, and she's going to be a mum so she's got to grow up quick.