Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

I think you need to apologise. Explain it has all been a shock to you and you accept you could have handled things better.

Tell her you want to be supportive and that you will always be there for her. Offer to meet her partner and be open minded and gracious. If he isn’t a good person, she will realise in time, and still have a good relationship with you.

you are NOT “psycho” or “nuts”. you did the right thing, showing her the reality of the situation. this must be so difficult, sending love op. best of luck

If someone woke me every 2 hours when I was pregnant, I'd have left home and never returned. It is absolutely psychotic.

@ArmySurplusHamster you agreed with my previous comment, just wondering what you make of the comments following OP’s latest update?

In terms of my own opinion now, I think the OP has handled it fantastically, considering.

I still cannot believe the amount of support being shown towards the daughter. The comments advising OP to apologise to her daughter and support her in every way possible… I should think that by offering to have the baby x1 day/night per week is more than enough at this stage. No doubt OP will bond with the child once it is here, but whilst she is still in shock, I think she is being incredibly supportive and I wouldn’t encourage OP to offer anything more at this stage.

I would be highly disappointed, upset and quite frankly livid if my pregnant 16 year old ran off with a guy I knew nothing of (I would have assumed this is a normal response as a mother. Do we not have higher hopes for our children?).

I understand not wanting to push her too far, but personally I think the daughter has already done that herself. She has willingly upped and left, doesn’t seem to be that appreciative of her mothers newfound support and to be honest I’d happily let her crack on, see how hard it is and no doubt she will come running back with the baby in tow once she realises she needs OP and cannot cope.

Flabbergasted by the support shown towards the daughter. I think it’s OP who needs the support (I think you’re acting brilliantly btw, OP).

I think support is automatically given to the baby. You can't rip it out can you

"I would be highly disappointed, upset and quite frankly livid if my pregnant 16 year old ran off with a guy I knew nothing of" "she willingly upped and left"

Of course, of course, of course op is feeling floored by this. She's a human at the end of the day. Of course she wanted more for her dd. But you also have to see that her mother, raging at her, telling her she's not fit to parent, waking her every 2 hrs to really drive it home is the reason why she's left home. She's not just "ran off with a guy" she's left because of ops inability to manage her reaction to this in the context of a relationship between them OP described as poor to start with.

I have compassion for op and I'd also be devastated if my son or daughter found themselves in either position. But we can't pretend like ops reaction doesn't matter in this because it does whether we like it or not.

If you are a scared pregnant 16 yo are you going to align yourself with someone who's being tactful and supportive and kind to you, or a parent who's waking you every 2 hrs to prove to you that you aren't ready to carry the pregnancy you've decided to carry who you already have a difficult relationship with?

It sounds to me like this girl is craving love and acceptance and she's taking it where she finds it. And so far op has not been forthcoming enough on that front rightly or wrongly - there will be natural consequences to how op navigates this situation as difficult and upsetting for her as it may be. If I was in ops dds shoes it would take me some time to trust op again. When our kids mess up, it's the best chance we get as parents to actually prove to them we love them and are there no matter what. It's what makes us emotionally safe as parents. Op handled this badly and tried to essentially bully her dd into an abortion. I'm as pro-choice as they come and I find that awful.

Plus, once the shame, the disappointment, the anger and all the other natural feelings op will have subsides - which will eventually happen - what's left is still going to be a 16/17 yo with a baby who needs a support network and a lovely new grandchild. People are advocating for the dd because once the shock wears off op may see things very differently by which point relationships could potentially be ruined.

I think that ship has sailed or will take years of therapy and a complete personality change for the dd to trust her mother again.

The daughter has found people who are helping her. Have been kind to her and are supportive of her choices. Why would she need someone who tried to get her to abort her baby and was angry and cruel and tortured her with sleep deprivation

I completely agree, I just think the fact op is on here and taking all this in is positive and will hopefully stand her in good stead and she's able to do the work to rebuild things. Op can't undo what's done, all she can really do now is look forwards and think about what she wants for her family relationships long term.

None of my babies woke me up every 2 hours! She is 7 WEEKS PREGNANT, OPs behaviour was about as unsupportive as you can get!! This situation is entirely of your own making, look after your daughter and help her work out what she wants to do for goodness sake!

Given AppleUnderSwan‘s last post I am not sure if she is taking in anything.
I get the impression the meet up with her dd revolved around what dd was going to do in terms of education and doing A levels

Whilst dd agreed to go back to school in September to start A levels AppleUnderSwan knows the agreement was probably made under duress from her and her dd only agreed to shut the conversation down.

Then there was the offer to have the baby once per week on a Friday only

I think this was quite a strange way of saying they could help out when they could.

It just comes across as controlling and authoritarian

I also think the DD will be shuddering at the idea of her mother, the woman, who days earlier had tried to torture her into getting rid of her baby, now dictating that she will look after her baby on a Friday.
I think the dd was trying to say that there was no way she would let this woman near her baby let alone drop the child off for the day with her when she told her mother that her bf’s parents had already said they were helping her

I think the offer comes across quite rigid. In other words if you want anything else on any other day of the week don’t bother calling .

The bf’s parents might only be available for baby sitting duty 1 day per week too, but at this stage they are coming across as supportive and offering help when and where it is needed.

To this AppleUnderSwan‘s reaction is to accuse them of

encouraging this messed up situation

Which does sound like she wanted them to push her child to get an abortion and not be happy about the news and be joining in with plans for this baby.

I feel it was one thing for the news of the pregnancy to be a shock but quite another the way AppleUnderSwan went about trying to coerce her into an abortion

OK, this is time to be super careful. Your daughter will push back and try to resist you the more you try to control the situation. Let her spend some time with the boyfriend and no money and let the reality sink in a bit. When you meet her, tell her you will support her with her decision and that your door is always open to her. She needs time for it all to sink in and for her and him to have a reality check about what their future will be. .I know the reality of him going the distance is slim. But it might happen, she hopefully has a few months before a more serious decision needs to be made. Good luck

I started an affair with someone roughly a year ago this month. We both really liked each other and said if after a year we would leave our marriages. He left his wife in January sooner than planned and I left my husband 5 months ago.
We moved in together and I thought we would start a great new life together.
However I feel he doe

I agree with this.

I had three children and none of them woke every two hours as babies, not even when they were newborn. Crazy idea!

She has moved in with her partner, she hasn’t runaway, you know exactly where she is. Your plan of waking her up every two hours was a very poor one. If you want her to come home, I’d suggest apologising for that. You need to meet the boyfriend, and she needs to know that she can come home, if that’s what you want, whenever she wants. You also need to look to establish, although not necessarily immediately, what involvement you plan on having. Is she going to continue at school, is there childcare available for her to be able to do so, how is she planning to support the baby.

The thing is he has money.
He isn’t some layabout idler who is living on benefits. He has a trade and unlike a lot who spent their time getting a degree, he won’t be out of work. If he isn’t tight with his money then she isn’t going to be without money.

The reality of the situation is that staying at home was stressful and tortuous and living with her bf is calm and she has a support network

How were you not concerned when she must have been hanging around with him- did you not ask where she is going,with who,how longs shes going to be etc? As for waking her up every 2 hours, thats crazy behaviour, bit late now to start parenting- shes a teen and pregnant. If i was you i would get familiar with the father fast, the baby is on the way and to keep your daughter and baby safe you will need to know him and make sure you are there for your daughters appointments if he isnt.