Page 2 | Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

AppleUnderSwan · 2025-08-04T14:44:00+00:00

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 16:19

OneNaiceSnail · 04/08/2025 16:17

The op seems to have mistaken her pregnant daughter for a war criminal. Is sleep deprivation even allowed under the Geneva Convention anymore? No no wonder she’s bolted with this compete lack of support, I wouldn’t be coming back if I were her

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The daughter wasn’t far off wrong with her “psycho” comment

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 16:20

The poor thing is in early pregnancy and probably utterly exhausted

and her mum is shaking her awake every 2 hours

I mean… it is just so far removed from how I’d respond to my DD in same position that we could be different species Op

missmushroom · 04/08/2025 16:21

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 15:57

He has his own flat?

My son is 22 and has his own flat.
Some can do it.

Greedypombear · 04/08/2025 16:22

Lemniscate8 · 04/08/2025 15:57

It does sound like he is a lot more supportive than you are

he's also a 23 year old who has gotten a 16 year old pregnant, not exactly a paragon of morality

itsgettingweird · 04/08/2025 16:25

Meet her in a public place.

Keep the lines of communication open and let her know you’ll always be there for her.

No, this ain’t what anyone would want for their 16yo DD but it’s a decision she’s made and it’s better for you to be there for her if it goes wrong than her feeling trapped in that situation should it occur.

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 16:26

missmushroom · 04/08/2025 16:21

My son is 22 and has his own flat.
Some can do it.

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Come again?

Did I even allude to otherwise? I was meaning it’s a decent sign that he is financially independent

Newname42 · 04/08/2025 16:28

I’m trying to be sympathetic to your situation because obviously your DD being pregnant at 16 from a 23 year old is far from ideal and your concern is understandable. However, it does sound like you’ve lost control over your own actions, waking a pregnant 16-year-old every 2 hours is not only unreasonable, I’d say it’s bordering abuse and in this situation your daughter has made a good call to go to her boyfriend where she can get some proper sleep and time to get to terms with her situation. I would suggest looking into counselling, either family counselling or on your own, to help you think more clearly and approach the situation constructively to provide your daughter with the support she needs.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2025 16:32

It wasn't a good idea to wake her every two hours though I do see what your intentions was. I would make it clear that you won't be a 24/7 babysitter for the next few years, it's quite possible her boyfriend will end the relationship and you will be left to pick up the pieces.

BunnyLake · 04/08/2025 16:33

Waking her up every two hours so she can see what it’s like with a baby is one of the most bizarre things I’ve read on here. Does every other first time expectant mother set their alarm every two hours to prepare? Did you? No wonder she called you a psycho.

Soontobesingles · 04/08/2025 16:37

OP. Pregnant at 16 is hard but not the end of the world. She is correct that your reaction was psycho - can you remember how exhausting and stressful early pregnancy is? And you choose to wake her up every 2 hours? What was this supposed to achieve? It sounds as if you are reacting from a place of emotion and not logic. I would advise you speak to someone like a therapist about your feelings and deal with those away from DD who now needs you to act rationally and support her. Look up all the positive stories of teenage mums succeeding in life (Kay Mellor, Stacey Solomon, Angela Raynor etc) - this doesn’t have to be the end, but she will need you to step up and be a rock now. If you can’t do this you are going to lose her.

Soontobesingles · 04/08/2025 16:37

OP. Pregnant at 16 is hard but not the end of the world. She is correct that your reaction was psycho - can you remember how exhausting and stressful early pregnancy is? And you choose to wake her up every 2 hours? What was this supposed to achieve? It sounds as if you are reacting from a place of emotion and not logic. I would advise you speak to someone like a therapist about your feelings and deal with those away from DD who now needs you to act rationally and support her. Look up all the positive stories of teenage mums succeeding in life (Kay Mellor, Stacey Solomon, Angela Raynor etc) - this doesn’t have to be the end, but she will need you to step up and be a rock now. If you can’t do this you are going to lose her.

Paganpentacle · 04/08/2025 16:39

Lemniscate8 · 04/08/2025 15:57

It does sound like he is a lot more supportive than you are

He's going to have to be isn't he?
Keeping a roof over their heads, buying all that baby gear....🙄

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 04/08/2025 16:40

waking her up every two hours was bat
shit mental. I'm not surprised she's gone.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 04/08/2025 16:40

I would ask the police for a wellness check of you know his name or address.
He may be a wrong un... While they can't bring her home they can see if she is OK. Legally she should be on education for 2 more years.. What's her plan for that? Financial implications for you if she has indeed moved out..

BubblyBath178 · 04/08/2025 16:43

I think your daughter has been manipulated by this man, it sounds like he’s love bombed her and is promising her the world right now. No doubt, once the baby is born, he’ll scarper. Yes, she’s ’over the age of consent’ but she’s a child and he’s a grown man. What have they got in common? It’s disturbing to me. She’ll be back OP, just be there as her mum because she’ll need you 🥰

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 16:44

Campingisnexttogodliness · 04/08/2025 16:40

I would ask the police for a wellness check of you know his name or address.
He may be a wrong un... While they can't bring her home they can see if she is OK. Legally she should be on education for 2 more years.. What's her plan for that? Financial implications for you if she has indeed moved out..

What?????!

Paganpentacle · 04/08/2025 16:44

She is correct- she's over the age of consent and she can do what she likes.
She wont be expecting any financial or practical assistance then, seeing as she's got it all sorted.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/08/2025 16:46

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 16:04

He's 23, any 23 year old who would date a 16 year old is someone to stay away from. She has runaway because she told us that she has no intention of coming home for the indefinite future. Yes I probably have made some mistakes, but I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her

I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her.

There is a HUGE difference between "talking" to her and "getting through to her".
You don't seem to understand this.
Talking to her is respectful, two-way, letting her speak, understanding her point of view, allowing her to have opinions different to yours, and ultimately respecting that it is entirely her decision whether to keep her baby and how to live her life. All you should be doing is giving gentle, thoughtful advice without criticising or controlling.

'Getting through to her' is you trying to force her to accept your opinion and making her do what you want.

Gardendiary · 04/08/2025 16:50

ThisSharpFox · 04/08/2025 15:48

Yeah, you did act like a 'psycho' to be honest.

You can only do what she asks for at this point.

Yep, I agree, what kind of crazy behaviour is waking her every two hours?! That’s not the action of a mature, supportive parent. Early pregnancy is shit, she needs rest in order to stay healthy. If you don’t support her, at least own the fact you don’t think she should keep the baby.

Paganpentacle · 04/08/2025 16:51

EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/08/2025 16:46

I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her.

There is a HUGE difference between "talking" to her and "getting through to her".
You don't seem to understand this.
Talking to her is respectful, two-way, letting her speak, understanding her point of view, allowing her to have opinions different to yours, and ultimately respecting that it is entirely her decision whether to keep her baby and how to live her life. All you should be doing is giving gentle, thoughtful advice without criticising or controlling.

'Getting through to her' is you trying to force her to accept your opinion and making her do what you want.

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It is entirely her decision whether or not to keep the baby... and she can live her life exactly how she wishes.
As long as she's funding her own baby and looking after it one presumes?
Or will that decision be one that OP has to suck up?

viques · 04/08/2025 16:52

You need to apologise for the waking up thing. Agree to meet, ask if there is anything from her room she needs you to bring urgently.

Then take it from there.

She may sound as though she is being big and brave but she is sixteen, very hormonal, scared shitless and probably finding out very quickly that living with 23 year old who hasn’t got the sense to use condoms is not all curled up snuggling on the sofa eating chocolate and watching Netflix.

Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 16:53

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 16:04

He's 23, any 23 year old who would date a 16 year old is someone to stay away from. She has runaway because she told us that she has no intention of coming home for the indefinite future. Yes I probably have made some mistakes, but I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her

She hasn’t run away though has she.

you don’t get to make decisions for her in this scenario. It’s a matter of communicating with her not trying to break her so she does what you want.

you’re in severe danger of pushing her away for good.

Girlmum1995 · 04/08/2025 16:54

I was a mum at 16 so I actually understand what you’re daughters going through except I had a mum that held me through it.

you are beyond bang out of order waking her up every 2 hours that’s brutal for anyone never mind being pregnant and not every baby does that!
do not do what another poster suggested and call the police! All you’re doing is driving her away.
if you want any hope of saving your relationship with your daughter, meet her, follow her rules for a few months and get the trust back, support her like a mother should be doing not acting like a psycho (she is right btw).
she is now considered the legal age to move out, have sex and live her life however she decides, you may not like that but that’s the truth.
your daughter will be terrified especially in the first few weeks after the baby arrives, she needs her mum to really love and support her now more than ever.

I went to uni, got a degree, own a house and had 2 more daughters. We have an amazing life and my now 13 year old is an incredible person but I needed my mum so much through those years and becusse she supported me she’s still one of the first people I call if I need someone, she’s cared for me in my later pregnancies and was the first to meet all my daughters so think about the type of relationship you want 10 years from now

AliceMcK · 04/08/2025 16:54

You need to take a step back, apologise for being physco, tell her when she’s ready can you meet to talk. Ask to meet him, when he’s ready and on his terms, tell them both you will support their decision what ever it will be and you want to have a healthy relationship with all 3 of them.

If you want to protect your daughter you need to be in her life and to see what’s going on, you can’t do that if you alienate them. If he is a bad one he will love you pushing her away.

user1471538283 · 04/08/2025 16:55

I would regardless how I felt apologise and make myself available for her whenever so that her lack of a relationship with you doesn't mean she feels stuck with her bf.

I understand how disappointed you are and she's not going to know what's hit her when the baby comes but at the moment she's loved up and believes this will work out. And it might.